Have You Met Me?

Last weekend we spent a lovely weekend practicing being empty nesters. Privacy, solitude, spanking, playtime, dinner out, Dominance and submission. Toward the end of the weekend I asked him that. 

Have you met me?

It was Sunday night. He told me that he wanted coffee and banana muffins made by 7:15 the next morning. It was President’s Day the next day and we were kid free so it was a day I could sleep in a bit.

He knows how much I like to sleep in the morning and so I think he was not surprised when I complained.

But then I didn’t just complain. I told him no. And I asked if he had met me implying that he knew I would hate that. He gave in. He let me tell him no and let me sleep.

Here’s the thing. I have thought a lot about it since. Part of me is really happy and thankful for his giving in but a bigger part of me is disappointed.

Have you met me?

Not such an easy question as I might have thought?

The me before we started all of this, and still a big part of me, hates mornings and does everything she can to avoid them. But then there is the me that truly wants, needs and desperately desires to feel his Dominance and my own submission.

The me that is and wants to do her own thing really wrestles sometimes with the me that wants his leadership and control.

There is the me that struggles with herself to accept this need to submit. There is the me that wants to take his direction and yet worries that I shouldn’t feel this way.

And honestly there is a me that pushes and tests to see where the walls are, what the boundaries are and if he cares and will enforce them. What will he do if I tell him no? What will his reaction be? Will he call me out for my disobedience or will he give in?

Such a struggle sometimes. So yes not such an easy question.

He has met me but I have changed. We have changed.

I guess what I am telling him is don’t be afraid to trust that this is real and to push his authority and demand my compliance.  What I am saying is that if he asks something of me, if he decide he wants something that he expect my compliance, expect my obedience.  He should expect my submission. I don’t feel like I did a very good job of it Sunday night or Monday morning.

I’m not going to promise that I am not going to grumble or complain when he asks me to do things I don’t want to do. The internal struggle will continue. But I am working so the me that wants to submit is more prevalent than the me that wants her own way.

Have you met me?

I am a mess sometimes and confuse even myself so I understand that this can and often is confusing for him. But just as I test his willingness to enforce things I understand that sometimes he will test me by asking me to do things I don’t really want to do like getting up early when I don’t otherwise have to or alternately setting a bedtime so that getting up is easier. I won’t always understand or agree with what he tells me to do. Submission is hard.

That’s ok. I trust him and his leadership and where he will take us. He pushes. I pull and hopefully sooner or later we find we are working together smoothly.

Spanking Survey

I have had this list of questions in my draft box for a few months and honestly I don’t remember who’s it is. Sorry or I would give credit. Thanks though to whoever did.

Sorry in advance for the weird spacing. I have never been able to figure out how WordPress deals with returns. The spacing in my editor never looks like the finished product. Oh well.

1.) Was there a certain event from your life, that sparked the spanking interest? If so, feel free to share:

I don’t think there was anything specific. I think I have always been interested in spanking. Even as a child I thought about it. It was not really until I started exploring on the internet that I allowed myself to acknowledge this part of myself and bring it to Alex.

 

2.) What do you most often call your HOH/Spanker? (Sir, Master, etc.)

 

When we are alone I call him Sir.

3.) What does your HOH/Spanker most often call you? (Young Lady, Girl, etc)

 

Mostly just my name but sometimes he will call me his good girl. I love that.

4.) We’re building a big spanko bonfire, which one implement are you bringing to toss in?

 

Anything thin and wood but if I could only pick one it would be this long thin wooden spatula we have that is all kinds of surface sting. Hate that.

5.) We all know how many punishments there are to choose from; spanking, lecturing, corner time, etc.. but what about rewards? Do you have a favorite ‘reward’ that is used? If not, what’s something you’d like used as a reward?

He controls my orgasms so if I am good he will give me a “pass”. That is always fun.

 

6.) What’s that one phrase, that when it’s used, you know you’re in trouble?

Come on! (And points to the bedroom.)

 

7.) What’s something you’d like to cross off your spanking bucket list? Being shy is not an option here people. 😉

Hmm. Let’s see. I’m a little crazy but part of me would like to experience a real, strict caning session. (And then part of me, not so much.)

 

8.) Someone comes to you, and says they just started practicing domestic discipline. What’s the biggest piece of advice you can give them?

Be realistic in your expectations. Don’t expect that what you read on other people’s blogs is just going to happen overnight. This is a big change for you both and it takes time and patience and practice to even start to get it right. Also, of course, COMMUNICATE! You have to talk like you never have before and be more open and honest than you ever have been or it just won’t work.

 

9.) Where is the craziest place you’ve been spanked?

Nowhere too crazy. Really just here in the house and almost always in our room. Does the living room count as crazy?

 

10.) We talked about a spanking bucket list, now let’s get a little more into it.. what about a BDSM style bucket list? What’s something you’d like to cross off of that?

As I’ve written we are getting into that more and more. We have talked about wax play but have never done it yet. That might be fun.

 

11.) Is there a punishment you thought you’d never try, but ended up trying and finding effective?

 

We have talked about several alternative punishments but not used too many. I’ll keep you informed…

12.) What is something you wish you knew before you started DD/TTWD?

 

I was completely unprepared for how much I would take to and embrace submission. Allowing him to be my leader has opened me up to a whole new way of thinking and feeling. In some ways I wish I had discovered it earlier but then I think I wouldn’t have been ready for it yet.

13.) If you could take a break from one rule, for one week, which rule would it be?

 

I have not always been the best housekeeper but I have committed to him to provide him with a clean and organized space. It is so much better that way for everyone but sometimes… It would be nice to just ignore all my chores and only do them if I feel like it. A week would be just about the right amount of time. 😊

14.) This might sound like a no brainer at first, but really think about it. If you could only have one sort of spanking in your dynamic, would you rather it be discipline or fun?

 

The discipline aspect of our dynamic is key to helping me feel safe and secure in his Dominance. I love our fun and playful spankings but it is the difficult, discipline ones my mind returns to.

15.) If your HOH/Spanker messed up, and offered to let you spank them, would you? Why/Why not?

No never. I have no desire to spank him and he has no desire to be spanked.

 

16.) What is your favorite form of aftercare?

 

Probably cuddles, but sex is a close second. It really depends on the session and how we are both feeling.

17.) How was DD/spanking brought up to you, or how did you bring it up to your partner?

 

I brought it up to him. We had played around a little before but I was the one to request a more active spanking relationship and that led to me reading Dd blogs and eventually requesting that we start a real Dd relationship for ourselves. It is the best decision we ever made in our marriage and I don’t think I would ever want to go back.

18.) If your spanker could use only one implement from here on out, what would they use?

 

I know if I could pick it would have to be the belt he spanks with. Hard to take but with the forgiveness of leather. If he picked I am guessing one of our big paddles. Very effective and memorable. Actually something I will have to ask him.

19.) Do you have a favorite pair of panties to wear when you know you’re going to be spanked? If so, what are they?

No. Lately he has a shirt he sometimes asks me to wear but no panties are allowed.

 

20.) Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) mind reading hasn’t yet been perfected. What’s something you want your HOH/Dom/Spanker to know? (For example, don’t be afraid to spank harder, or something along those lines.) Don’t be afraid, spill!

Most of the time if he could read my mind he would spank longer, sometimes harder, but definitely longer. It is hard in the moment to ask for more so being able to read my mind here would be helpful.

*Bonus Question (just because it’s fun)- Is there a picture (spanking, dd, Ds, etc related) that you just really love? If so, let’s see it!*

Evolution

We started Dd over two years ago to fix our marriage. I had done quite a bit of reading and thought that it might help us and it has.

I thought that we would become closer and communicate more. We both have become more respectful and watchful of each other. Many people look at this lifestyle and think it is one sided but I have never really found that. We both have worked hard on ourselves and both work hard to give each other our best. For us that means that he leads us both and I accept his decisions and correction when needed.

I don’t know if others feel this way but the correction or punishment piece is key to all of this for me. I feel safe when he is in control. For me at least having him exercise his right to take me in hand and punish if he feels the need gives me a sense of safety that really nothing else does.

He punished for something over the weekend. I had disobeyed him on something and he made sure that I knew his displeasure with his words and our hairbrush. I hate that thing!

What I didn’t hate was that he did it though. When he sets an expectation and then follows through with a punishment he reaffirms his commitment to this life we have both chosen to live.

It is such a change for our men. Even after two years of living like this I marvel at his willingness to actually give me a real spanking when it is deserved. He has been conditioned his whole life to act the complete opposite and yet he has taken up the responsibility of leadership with all that goes with it.

In my last post I talked a bit about our exploration of D/s. In a way it feels a bit like how we came to Dd. We had done some erotic spanking and I had found some blogs which led us to start behaving as a Dd couple. At the time I had never really thought about Dominance and submission and while I agreed to follow his lead neither of us would have used those terms to describe ourselves, and I certainly would never have characterized either of us as a Dominant or a submissive. But reading and research, and frankly living this and then wanting more, have led us to where we are. Not new really but an extension and evolution of what we are doing anyway.

What I have come to recognize more and more is that being his submissive is exactly what I want to be and that following his lead, his rules, his example makes me feel safer than any other way of being in my life. The more control and Domination he gives me the more I want to be not just submissive, but his submissive.

And it makes me feel feminine. Somehow giving myself over to him completely makes me feel important and safe and loved in a way that nothing else has. When I am able to satisfy him it makes me feel powerful. By letting him lead and by giving him the power I feel my own.

All of this takes an enormous amount of trust. I could not do this with anyone I did not trust completely and I have said before that he is the best and most honorable man I know. He gives all of himself to what he does and now I truly feel like that includes me. Not just our family but me in particular and that makes me feel so special. It is so easy to loose sight of that priority in a marriage and I feel like we are at a place where we are number one for each other.

I am trying not to jinx any of this by overthinking which can be a problem for me. It feels like a beginning of sorts and beginnings are exciting. After two years it still feels like there is so much we haven’t done and so much more still to learn and I look forward to the where this will take us.

More Mindful

The new year has come and gone and even though I am very late the first thing I want to do is wish you all a fabulous 2014. While we can never see the future I feel very positive going into this year and hope that it is our best yet.

The holidays here were nice. Mostly slow and relaxing which is the best kind to me. My kids were home which is always wonderful  but man does it put a crimp in our Dd style. Don’t get me wrong. The basics remain but just like the summer pretty much all spanking, for fun or more serious reasons goes away.

I think one of the reasons I know I want this lifestyle so much is how much I miss it when it is curtailed. It is funny really. Because we have these prolonged periods of time where we have to interact without the full resources of Dd we are generally pretty good at maintaining our roles without them. It just isn’t as much fun. And it isn’t easy.

Toward the end of our kid imposed hiatus I could feel myself pulling away and generally not being as open to him as usual both physically and emotionally. Just when I thought maybe I didn’t need the connection that spanking gives as much as I used to I found myself  starting to spiral.

Even after two years I still find it amazing sometimes how much I both want and need that connection.

Anyway last weekend my youngest and I took my oldest back to school and spent a fantastic few days seeing shows and eating good food and generally I just enjoyed my girls.

Well this week has been all about the two of us reconnecting and I am happy to say that it has gone pretty well. We started on Tuesday with a long hard reconnection spanking that we both really needed. He then left for a few days but checked in quite a few times so we kept feeling close. We talked this weekend about taking our dynamic in even more of a D/s direction. I’m not sure I really can define how I see the difference between Dd and D/s except for us I think it is and will be more mindful and more deliberate.  In many ways it will be exactly the same because  what we do has always extended beyond the bedroom and into our everyday lives. But in addition to being my husband and HoH, he has agreed to be my Dominant. I have agreed to be his wife, tih, and his submissive. I’m not saying anything new but his Dominance feeds my submission. The more dominance he shows the more I want to give him my submission.

It feels a bit like a new beginning. Here’s hoping!

So on a lighter note… I hope this makes you smile. It did me. It’s supposed to be from a hotel in Amsterdam.

Ramblings

I’m writing. I am. I don’t really know what about but I haven’t written in so long I feel like I should. Like I really should say something. Say something.

I started not writing too much in the summer. Kids home means no real spanking going on and what is exciting about that?

Then they went back to school an we found a new rhythm. In many ways it has been a time of growth for both of us. He has started to take the lead more and more and I have really been working on giving him my submission. He is suddenly more confident now and demanding. I love both. I’m not even exactly sure what the trigger was for this change. Maybe it is just time…time to come to an acceptance of the roles and responsibilities of being HoH. Maybe it takes time to try all this on and to find a level of comfort with it kind of like breaking in a new pair of shoes. After we wear them for awhile they just feel right. I think this feels right to him now.

I’m not sure if labels matter and even how they differ exactly but another thing that has changed/helped has been incorporating more D/s into our dynamic. We are Dd but we are also D/s. I don’t know exactly if I’m sure  what the difference even is except that I think for us both it involves intent. It is very purposeful.

There hasn’t been much punishment although most reconnections include at least a little bit of “discussion” about sass. That halo of mine can be a bit askew at times. It feels more natural and less forced.

I haven’t written because we are good right now. I haven’t written because  that seems boring I guess. It’s like sometimes I don’t want to mess that up by over analyzing. You know?

But at the same time I miss blogging and I miss writing. I like having my blog and being able to hash things out here. So I guess what I am saying is that I hope if there is anyone out there still reading, thank you first of all and don’t give up on me because I am here and will be here. I like having my blog. I like all of you.

So anyway that is where we are. Starting Monday the house will fill again with college kids for winter break with all the joys and challenges that brings. He tested out quiet implements last time we did a reconnection spanking I think to find a way to continue even with everyone home. Here’s hoping.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

My Spanko Card

I mentioned in my last post how we had barely spanked all summer.

Happily since then we have managed to carve out two kid free times the past two weekends. Finally!

Last Saturday started with a little fun and sexy spanking. Even though it was pretty light and with nothing too ouchy I was soon ooing and owing.

You are pretty squirmy and protesting a lot!

I know but we haven’t done this in a long time.

I don’t know about you. I think we may have to revoke your spanko card!

Who knew there were even spanko cards but apparently I was in danger of loosing mine. Humf!

We had a nice day, spending time together and getting a few things done. Toward the end of our time alone it was becoming clear that he was not really going to spank again and so, not wanting to loose my card, and wanting to do a real maintenance session, I kind of challenged asked if we could do maintenance.

I wasn’t really counting on an all wood spanking but that is what I got. He called it an all white wood afternoon. At the beginning of this journey when I was too curious for my own good I purchased a very long beechwood paddle/mixer and a long crepe spatula from Sur la Table.

paddle

spatula

Now Ladies let me just say that wasn’t the smartest thing I have ever done. The spatula is thin and light and one of the stingiest things we own. The paddle has more weight so it is more thuddy but really no better. They are both about two feet long. I hate them both. Add to that a little bath brush action and I was a well spanked girl by the end and feeling in full possession of my spanko card.

Maybe it is just me but that rather serious spanking was exactly what I needed to feel like we were getting back on track. It wasn’t a punishment per se and he didn’t lecture or anything like it was but it helped us both to put anything from the weeks of non spanking behind us and feel like we could move ahead.

Last night we managed again to be kid free! It was actually an anniversary of sorts. Alex took our son back to school so last night was essentially the two-year anniversary of our new life including spanking and eventually Dd. Back two years ago I couldn’t have imagined that we would be living like we are now. I had never heard of Dd and HoH’s. I had never considered living a Dominant/submissive type of life. I just knew that what we were doing was not working at all and if we wanted to stay together and be happy we needed more and somehow that more would and should include spanking.

The fact that it has evolved into a Dd relationship with definite aspects of D/s were not even in my imagination back then but as I look back on that first night two years ago it included aspects of both. Somehow we both were open to what we do now even if we couldn’t name it then.

Last night was all about us. We connected through spanking (thankfully no wood this time) and some really hot fun in the bedroom. When he was done he playfully mentioned my spanko card again and said I had definitely earned the right to keep it. I guess that is what regular maintenance will do for a girl.

This journey has been many things but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I hardly recognize the couple we are today from the broken, unhappy people we were before. Many things have contributed to this and it has been hard work.

For us though that spanko card has been an integral part of this journey. I’m glad I have mine.

Summertime…

I am sorry that I have not been very active lately. Summer has been a whirlwind of vacation, family visits, ever present teenagers and young adults and some home improvement thrown in for good measure.

Oh and in the middle of it all we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I didn’t always know we would get there but I couldn’t be happier today with where we are. I feel like it is a true accomplishment and milestone.

Every day I think I may have a minute to write here and then it doesn’t happen. I have been able to read a few blogs but don’t have time to comment much. I have done a cosmetic remodel of our master bath (It looks great BTW), hosted family for two weeks, ferried kids to and from camp for weeks, and we managed a week long family vacation earlier in the summer. All in all it has been a very busy summer, much busier than the regular school year with its predictable routines. This summer at least has kind of been exhausting.

As you can imagine all this activity in the house has meant that we have not spanked in many weeks. It’s funny. In many ways our dynamic has not suffered. Don’t get me wrong. We both miss the connection and the closeness but we are pretty practical I guess and we both knew that this would be the case so we are trying to make the best of it.  I guess I would call it Dd light. I try to keep up the respect and to keep to the rules we have but neither of us has been too preoccupied with it. He has shown me his dominance in ways which have been fun and we just try to maintain our dynamic day to day as best we can.

We miss it though. Who would have thought two years ago that I would be looking forward to a return to maintenance spankings and greater vigilance on his part?

In some ways I think this hiatus has been good for us. It has made us appreciate what we gain from Dd.  We are anxious to get started again and re-establish our routine.

A few more weeks and the oldest two will be back at their schools and our youngest back in high school.   In the mean time we are hoping to find a few more stolen moments to spank and play and reignite this thing we do.

The Right Note

Hi all.

I am happy to report that after WEEKS of no privacy and therefore no spanking that we finally were able to reconnect last night.

Even though I know there were times throughout that period that he could/would have given me a punishment spanking last night was not about that at all and he used it to really reconnect us. It was nice.

It’s funny how important tone is to the feeling of a spanking. He made it clear from the beginning that this was not a punishment and so even though he used some really ouchy implements and some he definitely uses for punishments the overriding tone of reconnecting and bringing us back together made it easier for me to stay pretty still and take the spanking.

I’m glad he did it like he did. It has literally been weeks since we last did this and if he had come into this really serious and in a really punitive way I think we would have both lost a lot of the sensuality and connectedness we gained. Our Dd relationship includes the punitive. I need that and want that but I am so glad that is not always the driving force behind all our spankings.

At some point we may need the kind of catharsis that come from a punishment but for now a night of dominance and submission was just the right note.

Thank you Alex.

Turning Point – Part 1

This lifestyle is full of expectations.

He expects me to follow our rules. I expect him to notice and act on what he sees, good or bad.

He expects my submission and I expect his dominance and leadership.

We both expect a high level of communication.

The problem comes when our expectations are not met. That is exactly what happened to us on Friday.

Before Alex even got home last week we were both stressed. He had spent Thursday out of town in several high level and potentially high stakes meetings. Several things have not gone as we would like at work lately and the stress of those meetings was intense.

He is pretty much always the smartest guy in the room and knows his segment of his market as well as anyone in the country. He never ceases to amaze me how he can talk to someone and spout incredibly technical details as if he were reading from a screen but he is doing it from memory. He knows his job inside and out and does it very well. I am very proud of him.

Something I don’t think he fully realizes is how strongly I feel the frustrations he feels at work as well. His success is my success. If he is slighted I feel that too. And if the meetings he had were not satisfactory we could be looking at any manner of changes moving forward.

Every time he talked to me on Thursday I got off the phone and cried. I listened to music and cried. Pretty much anything could set me off. I was kind of an emotional basket case.

The gist of the meetings Thursday was that he felt much better at the end than the beginning; not fully happy with how things have played out but better.

Anyway the reason I am telling you all this is by Friday when he came home I really needed him. Of course I hadn’t actually told him any of this. The crying was after our calls. That is the first part.

The second part is that our daughter was gone on an overnight trip with school Friday and Friday night so we were completely alone for many hours. This was significant for many reasons not the least being that I went to pick up the first of our two college kids for the summer yesterday and the other will be home next week. We will suddenly have a house full of young adults who come and go and fall asleep at all hours of the day and night. This was our last really good night of extended alone time for quite awhile and I didn’t want to waste it. My expectations were high.

Let’s just say that the evening didn’t go as I had hoped at all. We had a nice connection when he first got home but then he had some calls to make and I did some outdoor work.

I made his favorite sandwich for dinner and took special care to make the meal visually appealing as well as delicious. I was in full service mode and feeling pretty happy.

The problems started after dinner when he moved over to one of the chairs and picked up his work computer and started doing work. He stayed that way for quite awhile and I eventually asked him if he had a plan for the night and he just looked at me real noncommittally and said not really.

Long story short I melted down about everything. Him doing work. Him wasting the evening. How stressed I was and had been the day before. But mostly about how I felt like I was sending submission his way and not getting his leadership in return. Many doubts and concerns came tumbling out some I’m not even sure I realized were there and so close to the surface.

He did try spanking a little but honestly at that point it felt like he was humoring me more than asserting his leadership and it wasn’t working. Then our daughter called in the middle to say goodnight and that was pretty much the end of it.

We watched some TV and then just rolled over to try to sleep. That was pretty much impossible for me. I was too upset.

I was really devastated and it was bigger than a lost evening. I realized that it all felt way too one sided for me. I felt too much like I was sending all this energy to him but that energy wasn’t being returned.

At his core he is a nice guy and a really good person. That is why I love him but as a nice guy he has and still does struggle with dominance and that part of this lifestyle that sometimes requires him to call me out and assert himself. Pretty much all the punishments we have done are because I self reported on breaking a rule. He is still not good at or comfortable with pointing out things himself and then acting on them. And I suddenly realized that I was terrified that wasn’t going to change and we couldn’t keep doing this as we were.

At 4 AM I got up and wrote him a letter about us, my submission and his dominance and Dd. I couldn’t sleep until I got what I was feeling written down. I essentially withdrew consent until he could do some real soul searching and assure me that Dd and all that means was something he could truly commit to.

I’ve never done a 2-part post but it was that kind of weekend I guess. If I kept on here this post would get really long. Tomorrow I will post a portion of the letter I wrote and fill you in on how this all turned out.

The Grand Finale

Sometimes things can get downright silly around here.

The other day we managed to get some privacy for some maintenance. It was going pretty well and was mostly lighthearted. He had used several implements and they were all out on the bed.

Finally he said we were almost done but that now it was time for the fireworks grand finale.

That sounded ominous.

He proceeded to explain that in a fireworks display the grand finale was a rapid fire display of all the kinds of shells with extra bangs at the very end.

He translated that concept over to many quick swats from all the implements in rapid succession. He was really very playful about the whole thing and while it was a little tough to take it was way more fun than serious and had us both laughing by the end.

If all we ever did was spank for serious reasons I think it might be hard to keep this up. To me that is one of the benefits of maintenance. It allows us to be more playful at times in our spanking relationship and to keep this all in perspective. Life is too short to be serious all the time and this part of our relationship is no exception. I like his creative silliness.