Is Anybody Out There?

imageI really can’t believe it has been 14 months since I wrote anything here. It’s funny. When I first started blogging and were new it was really pretty all consuming, that feeling of wanting to put all that I was thinking and feeling down in a post. I’m a very verbal person but this is not something you can talk about with anyone you know. (At least for me.) And so I wrote. I wrote here and I wrote on my private blog just for Alex.

But after awhile it began to feel like I was saying all the same things, and feeling all the same things. We are up. We are down. We are good. We are struggling. The kids are home so we have pretty much put the dynamic away for a bit. The kids are gone so I think things will improve. I really want this. Does he really want this? We talked. We are trying again. On. And on. And on. Broken record.

Who wants to read that? Who wants to see the same thing over and over? But probably more significantly for me, why would I want to write that. It became a graphic representation of our stagnation. And so I quit writing.

But lately I have been feeling like even if that is the case I should write again. I need to process things now just as much as before and this is still an excellent way to do that. So I am going to do that.

I am going to write. I am going to make myself write. I would love to tell you that everything is going strong but as always we are a work in progress and I continue to be in a position of pushing or pulling him along with me. But maybe this introspection will help that process along.

Anyway, hello again. Is there anybody out there? I hope there is someone still there but even if you have all gone away I’m still here and beginning again.

My next post will be a full update and some thoughts on where I am but I wanted to start with hello.

Love Our Lurkers!

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Hello all!

I haven’t posted in several months and there is much to report. I will put up a new post to catch up this week but in the meantime I didn’t feel like I should let LOL 9 Day go by without jumping in. Our Dd and D/s has been changing and evolving lately and we are still sorting things out but we are moving in a good direction.

If  you are still reading here after my hiatus I am so grateful. So please come out of the shadows if you are here. I would love to hear from you.

Thanks to Hermione for hosting LOL 9.  It was just the thing I needed to get back to blogging!

 

 

When It Rains

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May was crazy. It was full of incredible highs and unbelievable lows which kept us off balance pretty much the whole time. We are just now starting to find our feet again.

I told you in my last post a bit about my Mom and what she was facing. She fell and has been in both a rehab hospital and now a nursing home while she recovers from her injuries. It is slow going and is obviously hard for her and really for us all. I spent a week there with her but have not been back since. Being far away is so hard sometimes.

I came home from Mom’s for one day and then left to see our daughter graduate from college. It really was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. She is such an accomplished young woman and graduated from an Ivy League University, truly one of the world’s finest schools. Watching my child do this was an almost out of body experience. Proud does not even begin to describe the feelings.

Unfortunately, my father-in-law suffered a heart attack shortly before her ceremony so we knew as we watched that as soon as it was over Alex would be leaving to go to his bedside. Sadly he passed away just a few days later so we all followed to say goodbye and then attend the funeral. I don’t want to say much really but as I know myself, and I’m sure many can attest, loosing a parent is so hard and it was. It will take time to heal.

Going from such lows to such highs and then to even deeper lows took a toll on us both this month but we handled it as best we could. Justifiably so, Alex was really unable for awhile to do anything but grieve and the dynamics of our relationship took a backseat. Leading takes a lot of thought and energy and when you are going through such a difficult time you just don’t have that energy to give. I think one of the things that makes us strong is that he knows he can trust me to step up and take the lead when I need to when situations are tearing at us. I look at it as really an extension of the service I try to give him anyway. Service is about making things smooth and easier for him and for that time making some decisions hopefully did just that.

All this craziness meant that both of us were away from our own home for almost the whole month. We are finally back under the same roof and slowly reestablishing ourselves into our dynamic. We did maintenance for the first time in a long time as a way to reconnect. It helped but it will take time. I’m trying not to ask too much of him and put too many demands on him. I find safety when he is in control and command but I’m not sure he is ready to really assert himself too much yet when he is still grieving and coming to terms with his loss.

We haven’t really talked much but I think if I asked he would say that knowing that I am there in a support role has been a big help to him in getting through this month. Part of that support is actually giving him the space to grieve without asking for too much talk. He needs at analyze things in his own way and a lot of talk is not his way.

I do think the foundation we have built for ourselves and this dynamic has helped us get through the last month. Even when it is in the background, hopefully that foundation has given him something to stand on.

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Sad

Several months ago I told you about a sweet little girl, my neighbors granddaughter, with leukemia. I can’t imagine a family with more love for a little girl and who could have fought harder to bring her back to health but sadly they lost that fight last night and she died.

I didn’t know her, had never even met her but she brought together people in her short life and inspired acts of generosity and kindness that few of us manage in a lifetime. For over a year their network of friends and family kept them fed and cared for. People brought food for the parents every night in the hospital and then extended it to other families going through the same thing, eventually feeding the nurses on duty on both the pediatric oncology floor and then the pediatric ICU. Acts of love and kindness like that and so many others  inspired by one tiny 3 year old little girl.

I feel such sadness for her parents who never gave up hope and for my dear neighbor. Tuck them in your prayers again. No one should go through that.

I will miss the funeral. I wish I could be in two places at the same time. My mom fell and was injured two nights ago. Not sure what will happen there so I will be going to help her and do what I can. I feel rather helpless. I am anxious to get there. I’ve always lived far away and at times like this it is harder than others. She could use a prayer or two as well.

Sorry for the very sad post today but that is what is going on and I needed to write. If you stuck around to the end I appreciate it and your prayers and support.