Pitiful Points

Sorry that I have been basically absent for the last week. I have been reading and commenting some but even that has been less than usual.

You see I have a pain in the…

Jaw.

Yep, old fillings, refillings, and a not so good dentist equal root canal. Yuck.

Long story short I have been in varying levels of pain for over a week most lately pretty severe.

I have mostly powered through with the help of crazy amounts of Ibuprofen and Tylenol but it has been no fun and very tiring since sleep has been elusive.

I have asked for and received quite a few “pitiful points” as he has taken care of me. I have been too out of sorts to even be feisty most of the time so I haven’t needed too many but he has granted whatever I need. He has been pretty sweet bringing me things and cuddling me throughout. He said earlier that he could really see on my face how uncomfortable I was.

Let me just say that from my side he deserves pitiful points too because he is so pitiful not being able to really do anything for me. He keeps asking what he can do and there really is nothing so he just looks sad. Twice this week I have woken up in tears and he gets me what he can and holds me but I know it is killing him.

My root canal was yesterday and the specialist who did it said it was pretty involved and that I would be quite sore for a few more days. He was right. Even with the pain meds I am pretty unhappy but hopefully that will improve with time.

He had to leave today and won’t be back until Friday so I am on my own. It will be fine but I will be glad when he gets back. Hopefully by then neither of us will be earning “pitiful points”.

Evolving

So we have this rule. He put it in place to be a little playful and for  a submission exercise of sorts. It has been really hard for me to comply with. I truly have not broken this rule on purpose or with intent it’s just not something I am conscious of most of the time as I go about my daily life.  I am getting on with my day and going about my business and I just don’t remember to do this.

I’ve been called out on it several times.  Basically  I was constantly messing up and he always notices.

Well this morning we did maintenance and then I showered and got dressed for my day. He was moving around packing to go out of town and noticed I had messed up, again. To his surprise and honestly, mine too, I burst into tears and just deflated. I told him I didn’t do it on purpose at all and just cried. I was kind of blindsided by the voracity of my feelings but I told him that I felt like what it had become for me was a chance for him to call me out on something.

It felt very arbitrary and punitive and completely devoid of its original playful intent, at least for me. So we talked about it and hashed it out. It has never been my intent to disobey and I had absolutely not done it on purpose so when he called me out on it, whether he punished or not, it made me feel like it was a “gotcha” moment. I also felt like I was letting him down and that made me feel really bad too.

I don’t want this to be a game and that is what this felt like to me. I want the rules we have to advance our marriage and our relationship. He got that and has amended the rule to something I think we both will be more comfortable with.

That led to a larger conversation.  We talked about something in the past week that came up that I wanted some clarification on.

For a long time before Dd our standard operating procedure was to avoid conflict by not talking about something. If we had a disagreement we would often withdraw and stop talking because in the moment it was easier. Even now he will often let me stew or stop talking. It is a hard habit to break.

Earlier this week we had a small argument. He yelled in the moment. I got my feelings hurt and withdrew. He let me. What I really wanted was for him to come after me and not let me distance like that but like I said, old habits and all.

Today I told him I know that it is easier in many ways for him to let me be but at the same time I want him to know that even if I chafe at it in the moment I appreciate his guidance and leadership when he pulls me back to him. I told him that it may be “conflict inducing” in the moment but that ultimately I thought it would help us both.

I mentioned in a recent post that he really is more confident in his role as HoH than he had been before. Neither of us is perfect though and he is very fair minded. If he feels culpable in our conflict I think he feels badly sometimes holding me accountable. Does that make sense? It isn’t an easy thing we ask of our guys.

In many ways this feels like a “be careful what you wish for” moment. Whether he feels I have crossed a line enough that he punishes or simply insists that the distance is unacceptable and I am to stay near him is ultimately his decision. But if he is going to step outside of his comfort zone into a new way of doing things I have to be willing to open myself up to his care and guidance and not shut him down no matter how vulnerable that makes me feel.

A First for Us

I earned my first real punishment spanking.

He told me not to do something but I did it anyway. I knew I should’t but I did. I felt badly right away. I knew I had to tell him. That is part of our agreement. I am to tell him if I have done something wrong. If I don’t then it is a  lie by ommisssion. He is not supposed to have to ask.

He was gone and I didn’t text him. He came home and I still hadn’t found a way to tell him. He asked if I had been good while he was away. I had to confess  but by then he had initiated the conversation. He was not happy about that. He wants me to be open and honest at all times so if I am keeping things inside I am distancing and we don’t allow that. He was actually more upset about that than the original infraction. I was surprised by that but I do understand it now. Lying, in any form, pushes us apart. It damages us and what we are trying to be together.

I am really sorry. I am really sorry that I disappointed him and that I didn’t uphold our agreement. I am sorry that he needed to punish me. He was very thorough and I cried. I cried because it hurt, because I was disappointed in myself, and because I felt bad that I had made him have to do this. He spanked past my tears until he felt I got his message. I am very proud of how he handled it. He took it all very seriously and let me know it.

I am so glad that it is over. I had to wait two days for this spanking and that was hard. There was such an emotional release. I felt so contrite and so humbled. He explained why we were there and made sure I knew how important my honesty and obedience are to him. He held me while I cried and dried my tears and forgave me. Then he sat me down on the edge of the tub on the cool plastic and told me to stay there until he came back and really think about what had happened so the lesson sank in. It did.

He came back and held me, kissed me and told me we were done and that I had done well. He made sure I was OK (I am).

I also asked him the same thing. I was worried because it really was different than what we had done before. I was pleasantly surprised how confident he was when he said that he was. He sat a little straighter and said if we have to revisit the issue it will be an even worse spanking. I believe him. It could not have been easy to spank me like he did but he followed through and brought us back together.

In my post Walls I asked that he set limits and enforce them. I asked that he keep us together in the same room. That  is exactly where we are. As soon as I disobeyed him I felt the distance. As I struggled with how to tell him I felt even more distance. I’m so glad I am back by his side where I belong.

I, and we, are learning all the time. It feels like progress.

Crying

I don’t cry much during spanking. But I have really been thinking about the few times I have and I think there are similarities.

So far it has not been the pain that has brought me to tears at least not exactly. Yes I have cried because of a particularly hard swat but that is really more because of the surprise of it than the actual pain. Other times the sessions have been pretty intense but it was the sudden change from dealing with the spanking, and him wanting to stop and move on to other activities that has been difficult.

I think for me it has all been about expectations. I go into a spanking session with an expectation of how it will go and those differences can sometimes throw me. If the spanking is suddenly harder than I was expecting or stops while I am really trying to concentrate and get through, and I suddenly have to switch gears, that can cause a real emotional swing and that is what triggers the tears.

Does that make sense to anyone else?