I’ll Explain

You said I was driving you crazy.

I am fully aware of that.

That is the point, honestly.

Do something about it.
Yesterday I posted this. I thought I was posting this and the other post from yesterday on my other blog, the private one.

I don’t post such steam of consciousness things here as a rule but maybe it was my subconscious trying to get me to think deeper and so I will let you in a little on what is going on.

Dd and D/s have been essentially non existent here since I wrote last. I was hopeful we were moving forward but then things stalled and felt like they were moving backward.

They still feel that way. We are supposed to talk this weekend. We were supposed to talk last weekend. And the weekend before. You get the picture. I am waiting for him to lead. Still waiting.

I could have brought it up. I could have insisted. I always am the one who does. But we are supposed to have this framework and structure in place in our marriage. I wanted and still want him to use that. He knows things are not ok. But he remains silent. Say something. Do something. I have given him control. Use it.

If I go to him and initiate every conversation when we have issues I am the one who is making things happen. I am the one who is fixing things. I am the one who is leading.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am more than capable of doing that and that is exactly what will happen here again. But. And it’s a big one and one I just can’t get him to see.

I don’t want to.

I don’t know how to make him see that him taking control, being proactive and HIM making sure we are not in separate corners makes me feel safe and secure. I want to feel that we are important enough to him that HE brings us back together.

If you go back and read my history you will see that we were very broken when I brought this lifestyle to him. Over the past 4 1/2 years he has tried on many occasions to be the leader that this lifestyle demands. He does in short bursts but then it stops.

He is fantastic in so many ways but I just am not sure he can do this. I have read many places that you cannot make someone who is not a dominant be a dominant and I think that is our problem. I think he wants to on some level but it is not who he is.

Anyway that is a bit of where we are. If anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears. Willie commented when this post was up yesterday and wondered if I could meet him halfway. It’s a very valid point and I will of course. I just can’t help feeling that it is more of a flip flop of roles than a meeting in the middle. I hope I didn’t loose your comment when I reposted this Willie. It’s a good suggestion.

image

Do This

  

Looking Back, Moving Forward

Below is a letter I wrote for Alex on our private blog. It is a little more personal than I usually share but maybe that is what I need right now, to be open and vulnerable. We continue our Dd lifestyle but openly embrace and call it by the Dominant/submissive D/s name as well. I just want to share some of our struggles and my thoughts. 

For the time being, he has assigned me the task of writing every day, either here or privately. I will try to do most of the posting here so maybe it can help someone out there. Anyway, here’s what I wrote today.

Dear Sir,

In the past two months many things about our dynamic fell away with the stress in December and our son coming home and then him just being here and us not being alone. I know that has not changed but I am excited about the prospect of returning to D/s and our Dd lifestyle.
Because of this writing assignment I have spent some time in the last day looking at and reading some of the old posts in this blog, both those I published and those that are only in my draft file. What I have understood from that reading reinforces my conviction that a heightened, strict way of organizing our relationship is exactly what I want, both from you and from myself.

As I look back on what is in my files it is remarkable to me how little my thinking on this has changed. It shows that not just now but last year, 2 years ago, 3 and even more years ago I wanted you, your guidance, and most importantly your follow through and consistency on punishment.

I hope this is the time that all of this will truly sink in and you will embrace this lifestyle both for me but also for you. What I also learned from reading my files is that this is not going away for me. I truly believe I will always want this. And I truly hope that you can really accept that and me and take this ride with me.

The past two months have been hard for both of us. The problem is that we both let what was happening externally affect us. We both let the dynamic fall away. We pretty much quit having sex (not good). You didn’t call me out on anything and I didn’t follow through on my rules at all.

I have been way too snarky and rude to you in the the last two months and the last month absolutely. I understand that respect is vitally important to how you (and most men) feel love. Being spoken to in a civil, non sarcastic way is what you deserve. You are the reason our family is what it is. You deserve to be spoken to with respect and I have not shown you nearly the respect you deserve lately. Please don’t put up with it. Respect is one of the core tenants of this dynamic and something I have promised you. If I am not speaking to you with respect then I am not honoring you and all you do for me and for our family and I deserve your reproach.

As I said in my public post there are so many times lately that I would have punished me. I have to believe that more than once you wanted to call me out and demand my respect but because of people around you let it go. Please don’t. Please at least say something at the end of the day or take me aside and call me out. Let me know I am at or over the line. I really cannot know what you find acceptable if you don’t tell me. I don’t want us to not joke and tease but I think we both know many times I am just snarky and mean and that is not ok.

I also know that with our son around all the time that we both will have to get creative. Silent punishment or non spanking punishment will be needed. Just because we are not alone does not mean I don’t want to live this way. I need to be respectful maybe even more when our son is around and watching. We need to model for him how we think a husband and wife should act around each other. I never want him to know that we are D/s but I do want him to see a couple who is deeply in love and a husband who is in charge and a wife who follows. It is almost more important to expect my respectful speech when he is around. For instance, I should never back seat drive, but doing it in front of him makes it doubly bad. I hope you agree and act accordingly.

I let other things fall away as well. I definitely let my housekeeping chores fall away and did them when and how I wanted, not on any schedule or to any particular standard. Sometimes I did this out of laziness and sometimes I did it to test and see if you would notice. You didn’t and so I continued the behavior. It really is a circle for me when we have let things slide. I am committing to you now to return to the published housekeeping schedule. Everything must be done for the week, or I must talk to you and get an extension or exemption. Checkin is on Sunday or Monday, which ever is best for you. The everyday things are non negotiable.

My clothing is another area that I have changed. I don’t know if you even noticed. Today is the first time I have worn a skirt or dress for a long time. Skirts do much for both of us I think. If I am ruling my own life, especially in the winter, I would wear pants every day and so I have been. But skirts are more feminine. They are an outward sign of my submission to you and this dynamic we choose. They give you immediate access and make me much more available. Pants are essentially a sign of defiance. If I want to wear them on a particular day going forward I will ask your permission.

Lastly, I feel like I completely got away from using the honorific, Sir. I think using it is important for several reasons. It demonstrates respect and you appreciate it. That alone is enough. But it does more. I have to do it with intention. It is not a natural thing so every time I use it I do so on purpose. We have both decided it is important and I hope you start to expect it of me whenever we are alone.

Thank you Sir for having me write this. It does make me examine myself and our dynamic and I hope it helps us both.

Yours…

  

New Year Old Us

I’m writing again. I’m writing again. If I say it and do it enough I hope it will be an “I think I can! I think I can!” and then an “I knew I could! I knew I could!” kind of thing.

Anyway, like I said before, hello. It feels good to typing again.

Let me tell you a little about the me of 2016. I’m still here and I would love to say that we are going great gangbusters in our Dominance and submission but you know this is about being true and frankly our dynamic is a bit lacking lately. For reasons mostly having to do with privacy and time we have been pretty vanilla of late.

I wish I didn’t need his Dominance so much. I wish I could give him submission all the time and at the same level as I want to even when we are vanilla and busy and I’m not getting Dominance from him. I have thought so much about this. I want to do things for other people. I want to make other’s lives easier especially for my family and most especially for my husband. When I am open and giving and focused on doing everything I can to smooth the way for him it makes me truly happy.

I don’t know why I am wired this way but I am. It took me a long time to recognize it and a long time to put a name to it but I am a submissive. Not out in the world and not as my public persona at all but in my home and with my husband I want to be his help. He does so much for me and for our family. I hope I have said this before, but I will say it now. He truly is the best man I know. He deserves my devotion. He deserves my best.

I wish I were strong enough to always give it but I do need his help to allow that submissive side to come out, and more importantly, to stay out.

I need him. I need to feel his presence. I need to feel structure and walls and limits. I so like the safety I feel in rules. I like knowing where the line is and that he is watching. I like the visibility of rules. And while I don’t like punishments themselves I do need punishment.

I have thought so much about this and I think that is really what it boils down to for me. In order to punish someone you must care. It is a very active thing. You have to set the boundaries, pay attention to the behavior and then actively get involved by taking action when punishing.

You cannot be passive and punish.

For me it is not so much about the spanking itself but about the time, attention, effort, resolve, and commitment that he must demonstrate in order to punish. And it doesn’t have to be spanking. It can be time out, corner time, lines, really anything he comes up with. The point is for me, that he took the time to notice and then had the fortitude to impose himself on me.

As I write this I feel my grown woman modern self cringing. In many ways I don’t know that I will ever loose that struggle of wanting this kind of discipline and attention even in our modern world. I know it is not PC, but that doesn’t diminish this want and need in me.

So I will say it again. I want and need his rules and more importantly his punishments. I want and need his rules and MOST IMPORTANTLY his punishments. I don’t think I have a spanking kink as much as I have a punishment kink.

The problem for me and for us comes in that implementation. Even after 4 years of this we are at different levels. I want and need this so much more than him. I just do. So there’s the struggle. There are so many times that I would punish me if I were in charge. I would not put up with some of the things I do and definitely some of the things I say and how I say them. When I start to feel like that my submission and my doing things for him with a happy and humble heart really diminish. I wish I could say I was stronger than that but I can’t. I need to feel him actively participating. It is a constant struggle.

Anyway, I think that might be a good start for writing again. Admitting your issues is always a big start I hope.

I need his attention and for me that means punishments. I will show him this latter. It is nothing he hasn’t heard before but maybe it will stick this time.

image

 

Is Anybody Out There?

imageI really can’t believe it has been 14 months since I wrote anything here. It’s funny. When I first started blogging and were new it was really pretty all consuming, that feeling of wanting to put all that I was thinking and feeling down in a post. I’m a very verbal person but this is not something you can talk about with anyone you know. (At least for me.) And so I wrote. I wrote here and I wrote on my private blog just for Alex.

But after awhile it began to feel like I was saying all the same things, and feeling all the same things. We are up. We are down. We are good. We are struggling. The kids are home so we have pretty much put the dynamic away for a bit. The kids are gone so I think things will improve. I really want this. Does he really want this? We talked. We are trying again. On. And on. And on. Broken record.

Who wants to read that? Who wants to see the same thing over and over? But probably more significantly for me, why would I want to write that. It became a graphic representation of our stagnation. And so I quit writing.

But lately I have been feeling like even if that is the case I should write again. I need to process things now just as much as before and this is still an excellent way to do that. So I am going to do that.

I am going to write. I am going to make myself write. I would love to tell you that everything is going strong but as always we are a work in progress and I continue to be in a position of pushing or pulling him along with me. But maybe this introspection will help that process along.

Anyway, hello again. Is there anybody out there? I hope there is someone still there but even if you have all gone away I’m still here and beginning again.

My next post will be a full update and some thoughts on where I am but I wanted to start with hello.

And Now For The Update

First I want to thank all of you who commented on my last LOL post. It means more than I can say that there is anyone still reading after all the time I have spent away from the blog. Thank you all!

I never planned to stay away for any length of time. You know how it goes. First it was summer with all the challenges that brings. Extra kids. Extra eyes and ears means less privacy and a lesser dynamic. Then school started again and we were more active but I feel like I have written the “We are starting again” post more than once and so didn’t feel there was much new to say. It felt like we were doing well, kind of chugging along.

And then it just stopped. Well that’s not exactly right. He just kind of stopped. We were doing submission exercises and he was checking in on me and doing maintenance pretty regularly and then it just stopped.

I was confused and concerned. He had experienced a pretty significant disappointment at work and I know it bothered him and shook his confidence and I now know that was the trigger. I tried to be patient and wait it out but after almost three weeks I couldn’t any longer and confronted him.

All the specifics are not that important but ultimately he said he wanted us to take a break. I was completely devastated. How could he want a break? What did that even look or feel like? You have to go back many, many years to find a point that we were relating well on a vanilla basis. It was spanking and that exchange of power which put us on a path of healing what was broken and I truly didn’t and frankly don’t have a good picture in my head of how we would relate without it.

After three years in this lifestyle I am a firm believer in a leader for the family, someone who has the ultimate power to decide things for the good of the family. But it goes beyond that for me. There are SO many times I consciously ask for his approval or make a decision myself based on what I think he would prefer. I’m not sure he even really appreciates the depths of this from me. But it is conscious for me. If we are not going to live in this dynamic then I think I could get a lot more selfish in my decisions. Does that make sense? If he doesn’t want my focus then I will need a new focus.

I don’t work outside the home. I have been fortunate enough to stay home to raise our children. The youngest goes to college next year and we will be alone together. One of the main reasons I even started this at all was my fear of getting to this point and not having any relationship with him. I can’t live like that. I won’t live like that. I could get a job but really after all this time I’m not sure what that would even be. I like the freedom and have really been looking forward to the time that I can travel with him and spend more time together. If we are not relating then that may need to change. I don’t know.

At about the same time as all this he had some pretty extensive travel planned and so we took some time. Time for each of us to think, really think about what we wanted. Let me tell you I was all over the place. Some days I just wanted to call the whole thing off. Some days I wanted to go full steam ahead. Some days I didn’t really know what I wanted.

A few girlfriends helped me talk through some things and really helped. Ultimately I did what I always do and wrote my thoughts down. What I came up with was this.

I want this and I want this completely. I am tired of going slow. I am tired of having training wheels on. I am tired of waiting and thinking and considering. I want deciding and I want direction and I want control. I want his rules and I want his punishments. The problem is that, even before our break, there was not nearly enough doing and far too much thinking.

When things are going well here we are acting in a dynamic that is very heavy on Dominance and submission. I have for quite some time, told him of my desire for him to be my Dominant. He knows this. He knows that when he provides standards for me to follow, I feel safe. What would appear to those outside this lifestyle as controlling and overbearing, appear to me as love and attention. The problem is that even before all this the doing was not always there

And so I gave him what amounts to an ultimatum. We need to do this or not. He either needs to step up and be the Dominant that I am asking him to be all the time or be man enough to admit that this lifestyle isn’t for him. I’m tired of the wishy washy. That doesn’t mean we would split up or anything but it does mean we would have to find a new way to relate with all that entails.

Toward the end of our time apart I went back to doing the things that he asks me to do that make me feel him and my submissiveness. I made sure that the tasks that are important to him were done and done well so his homecoming was good. He noticed. Even though I was giving him an ultimatum of sorts I did not want our discussion to be confrontational. It was important that we talk about everything in a level headed manner and so providing a calm, organized space was an outward way of doing this for him.

We really didn’t talk a whole lot during those trips, saving up the conversation for when he returned. We talked, he read my journal and we talked. A lot. Happily, even before I said anything to him about how I felt he essentially said the same things to me. I was so relieved. He knows that I want and need a heightened level of attention from him and he intends to do that.

So far so good. After being so far apart for over a month coming back together with one direction felt amazing. So connected.

It really hasn’t been very long so I can’t say for sure that it will work long term but so far so good. I’ll keep you posted.

What I think we both learned in a very concrete way was that we are better together and on the same team. It was really lonely without him. And I know he was lost as well. Maybe it was what we needed. I think he saw how much easier he has things when I am centered on him. I like my focus there and now he appreciates it more than ever.

If it helped us to learn and grow then it will have been worth it. I’ll keep you informed.

image

 

Spanking Survey

I have had this list of questions in my draft box for a few months and honestly I don’t remember who’s it is. Sorry or I would give credit. Thanks though to whoever did.
Sorry in advance for the weird spacing. I have never been able to figure out how WordPress deals with returns. The spacing in my editor never looks like the finished product. Oh well.
1.) Was there a certain event from your life, that sparked the spanking interest? If so, feel free to share:
I don’t think there was anything specific. I think I have always been interested in spanking. Even as a child I thought about it. It was not really until I started exploring on the internet that I allowed myself to acknowledge this part of myself and bring it to Alex.
 
2.) What do you most often call your HOH/Spanker? (Sir, Master, etc.)
 
When we are alone I call him Sir.
3.) What does your HOH/Spanker most often call you? (Young Lady, Girl, etc)
 
Mostly just my name but sometimes he will call me his good girl. I love that.
4.) We’re building a big spanko bonfire, which one implement are you bringing to toss in?
 
Anything thin and wood but if I could only pick one it would be this long thin wooden spatula we have that is all kinds of surface sting. Hate that.
5.) We all know how many punishments there are to choose from; spanking, lecturing, corner time, etc.. but what about rewards? Do you have a favorite ‘reward’ that is used? If not, what’s something you’d like used as a reward?
He controls my orgasms so if I am good he will give me a “pass”. That is always fun.
 
6.) What’s that one phrase, that when it’s used, you know you’re in trouble?
Come on! (And points to the bedroom.)
 
7.) What’s something you’d like to cross off your spanking bucket list? Being shy is not an option here people. 😉
Hmm. Let’s see. I’m a little crazy but part of me would like to experience a real, strict caning session. (And then part of me, not so much.)
 
8.) Someone comes to you, and says they just started practicing domestic discipline. What’s the biggest piece of advice you can give them?
Be realistic in your expectations. Don’t expect that what you read on other people’s blogs is just going to happen overnight. This is a big change for you both and it takes time and patience and practice to even start to get it right. Also, of course, COMMUNICATE! You have to talk like you never have before and be more open and honest than you ever have been or it just won’t work.
 
9.) Where is the craziest place you’ve been spanked?
Nowhere too crazy. Really just here in the house and almost always in our room. Does the living room count as crazy?
 
10.) We talked about a spanking bucket list, now let’s get a little more into it.. what about a BDSM style bucket list? What’s something you’d like to cross off of that?
As I’ve written we are getting into that more and more. We have talked about wax play but have never done it yet. That might be fun.
 
11.) Is there a punishment you thought you’d never try, but ended up trying and finding effective?
 
We have talked about several alternative punishments but not used too many. I’ll keep you informed…
12.) What is something you wish you knew before you started DD/TTWD?
 
I was completely unprepared for how much I would take to and embrace submission. Allowing him to be my leader has opened me up to a whole new way of thinking and feeling. In some ways I wish I had discovered it earlier but then I think I wouldn’t have been ready for it yet.
13.) If you could take a break from one rule, for one week, which rule would it be?
 
I have not always been the best housekeeper but I have committed to him to provide him with a clean and organized space. It is so much better that way for everyone but sometimes… It would be nice to just ignore all my chores and only do them if I feel like it. A week would be just about the right amount of time. 😊
14.) This might sound like a no brainer at first, but really think about it. If you could only have one sort of spanking in your dynamic, would you rather it be discipline or fun?
 
The discipline aspect of our dynamic is key to helping me feel safe and secure in his Dominance. I love our fun and playful spankings but it is the difficult, discipline ones my mind returns to.
15.) If your HOH/Spanker messed up, and offered to let you spank them, would you? Why/Why not?
No never. I have no desire to spank him and he has no desire to be spanked.
 
16.) What is your favorite form of aftercare?
 
Probably cuddles, but sex is a close second. It really depends on the session and how we are both feeling.
17.) How was DD/spanking brought up to you, or how did you bring it up to your partner?
 
I brought it up to him. We had played around a little before but I was the one to request a more active spanking relationship and that led to me reading Dd blogs and eventually requesting that we start a real Dd relationship for ourselves. It is the best decision we ever made in our marriage and I don’t think I would ever want to go back.
18.) If your spanker could use only one implement from here on out, what would they use?
 
I know if I could pick it would have to be the belt he spanks with. Hard to take but with the forgiveness of leather. If he picked I am guessing one of our big paddles. Very effective and memorable. Actually something I will have to ask him.
19.) Do you have a favorite pair of panties to wear when you know you’re going to be spanked? If so, what are they?
No. Lately he has a shirt he sometimes asks me to wear but no panties are allowed.
 
20.) Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) mind reading hasn’t yet been perfected. What’s something you want your HOH/Dom/Spanker to know? (For example, don’t be afraid to spank harder, or something along those lines.) Don’t be afraid, spill!
Most of the time if he could read my mind he would spank longer, sometimes harder, but definitely longer. It is hard in the moment to ask for more so being able to read my mind here would be helpful.

*Bonus Question (just because it’s fun)- Is there a picture (spanking, dd, Ds, etc related) that you just really love? If so, let’s see it!*
image

Evolution

We started Dd over two years ago to fix our marriage. I had done quite a bit of reading and thought that it might help us and it has.

I thought that we would become closer and communicate more. We both have become more respectful and watchful of each other. Many people look at this lifestyle and think it is one sided but I have never really found that. We both have worked hard on ourselves and both work hard to give each other our best. For us that means that he leads us both and I accept his decisions and correction when needed.

I don’t know if others feel this way but the correction or punishment piece is key to all of this for me. I feel safe when he is in control. For me at least having him exercise his right to take me in hand and punish if he feels the need gives me a sense of safety that really nothing else does.

He punished for something over the weekend. I had disobeyed him on something and he made sure that I knew his displeasure with his words and our hairbrush. I hate that thing!

What I didn’t hate was that he did it though. When he sets an expectation and then follows through with a punishment he reaffirms his commitment to this life we have both chosen to live.

It is such a change for our men. Even after two years of living like this I marvel at his willingness to actually give me a real spanking when it is deserved. He has been conditioned his whole life to act the complete opposite and yet he has taken up the responsibility of leadership with all that goes with it.

In my last post I talked a bit about our exploration of D/s. In a way it feels a bit like how we came to Dd. We had done some erotic spanking and I had found some blogs which led us to start behaving as a Dd couple. At the time I had never really thought about Dominance and submission and while I agreed to follow his lead neither of us would have used those terms to describe ourselves, and I certainly would never have characterized either of us as a Dominant or a submissive. But reading and research, and frankly living this and then wanting more, have led us to where we are. Not new really but an extension and evolution of what we are doing anyway.

What I have come to recognize more and more is that being his submissive is exactly what I want to be and that following his lead, his rules, his example makes me feel safer than any other way of being in my life. The more control and Domination he gives me the more I want to be not just submissive, but his submissive.

And it makes me feel feminine. Somehow giving myself over to him completely makes me feel important and safe and loved in a way that nothing else has. When I am able to satisfy him it makes me feel powerful. By letting him lead and by giving him the power I feel my own.

All of this takes an enormous amount of trust. I could not do this with anyone I did not trust completely and I have said before that he is the best and most honorable man I know. He gives all of himself to what he does and now I truly feel like that includes me. Not just our family but me in particular and that makes me feel so special. It is so easy to loose sight of that priority in a marriage and I feel like we are at a place where we are number one for each other.

image

I am trying not to jinx any of this by overthinking which can be a problem for me. It feels like a beginning of sorts and beginnings are exciting. After two years it still feels like there is so much we haven’t done and so much more still to learn and I look forward to the where this will take us.

More Mindful

The new year has come and gone and even though I am very late the first thing I want to do is wish you all a fabulous 2014. While we can never see the future I feel very positive going into this year and hope that it is our best yet.

The holidays here were nice. Mostly slow and relaxing which is the best kind to me. My kids were home which is always wonderful  but man does it put a crimp in our Dd style. Don’t get me wrong. The basics remain but just like the summer pretty much all spanking, for fun or more serious reasons goes away.

I think one of the reasons I know I want this lifestyle so much is how much I miss it when it is curtailed. It is funny really. Because we have these prolonged periods of time where we have to interact without the full resources of Dd we are generally pretty good at maintaining our roles without them. It just isn’t as much fun. And it isn’t easy.

Toward the end of our kid imposed hiatus I could feel myself pulling away and generally not being as open to him as usual both physically and emotionally. Just when I thought maybe I didn’t need the connection that spanking gives as much as I used to I found myself  starting to spiral.

Even after two years I still find it amazing sometimes how much I both want and need that connection.

Anyway last weekend my youngest and I took my oldest back to school and spent a fantastic few days seeing shows and eating good food and generally I just enjoyed my girls.

Well this week has been all about the two of us reconnecting and I am happy to say that it has gone pretty well. We started on Tuesday with a long hard reconnection spanking that we both really needed. He then left for a few days but checked in quite a few times so we kept feeling close. We talked this weekend about taking our dynamic in even more of a D/s direction. I’m not sure I really can define how I see the difference between Dd and D/s except for us I think it is and will be more mindful and more deliberate.  In many ways it will be exactly the same because  what we do has always extended beyond the bedroom and into our everyday lives. But in addition to being my husband and HoH, he has agreed to be my Dominant. I have agreed to be his wife, tih, and his submissive. I’m not saying anything new but his Dominance feeds my submission. The more dominance he shows the more I want to give him my submission.

It feels a bit like a new beginning. Here’s hoping!

So on a lighter note… I hope this makes you smile. It did me. It’s supposed to be from a hotel in Amsterdam.

image

Ramblings

I’m writing. I am. I don’t really know what about but I haven’t written in so long I feel like I should. Like I really should say something. Say something.

I started not writing too much in the summer. Kids home means no real spanking going on and what is exciting about that?

Then they went back to school an we found a new rhythm. In many ways it has been a time of growth for both of us. He has started to take the lead more and more and I have really been working on giving him my submission. He is suddenly more confident now and demanding. I love both. I’m not even exactly sure what the trigger was for this change. Maybe it is just time…time to come to an acceptance of the roles and responsibilities of being HoH. Maybe it takes time to try all this on and to find a level of comfort with it kind of like breaking in a new pair of shoes. After we wear them for awhile they just feel right. I think this feels right to him now.

I’m not sure if labels matter and even how they differ exactly but another thing that has changed/helped has been incorporating more D/s into our dynamic. We are Dd but we are also D/s. I don’t know exactly if I’m sure  what the difference even is except that I think for us both it involves intent. It is very purposeful.

There hasn’t been much punishment although most reconnections include at least a little bit of “discussion” about sass. That halo of mine can be a bit askew at times. It feels more natural and less forced.

I haven’t written because we are good right now. I haven’t written because  that seems boring I guess. It’s like sometimes I don’t want to mess that up by over analyzing. You know?

But at the same time I miss blogging and I miss writing. I like having my blog and being able to hash things out here. So I guess what I am saying is that I hope if there is anyone out there still reading, thank you first of all and don’t give up on me because I am here and will be here. I like having my blog. I like all of you.

image

So anyway that is where we are. Starting Monday the house will fill again with college kids for winter break with all the joys and challenges that brings. He tested out quiet implements last time we did a reconnection spanking I think to find a way to continue even with everyone home. Here’s hoping.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

%d bloggers like this: