I’ll Explain

You said I was driving you crazy.

I am fully aware of that.

That is the point, honestly.

Do something about it.
Yesterday I posted this. I thought I was posting this and the other post from yesterday on my other blog, the private one.

I don’t post such steam of consciousness things here as a rule but maybe it was my subconscious trying to get me to think deeper and so I will let you in a little on what is going on.

Dd and D/s have been essentially non existent here since I wrote last. I was hopeful we were moving forward but then things stalled and felt like they were moving backward.

They still feel that way. We are supposed to talk this weekend. We were supposed to talk last weekend. And the weekend before. You get the picture. I am waiting for him to lead. Still waiting.

I could have brought it up. I could have insisted. I always am the one who does. But we are supposed to have this framework and structure in place in our marriage. I wanted and still want him to use that. He knows things are not ok. But he remains silent. Say something. Do something. I have given him control. Use it.

If I go to him and initiate every conversation when we have issues I am the one who is making things happen. I am the one who is fixing things. I am the one who is leading.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am more than capable of doing that and that is exactly what will happen here again. But. And it’s a big one and one I just can’t get him to see.

I don’t want to.

I don’t know how to make him see that him taking control, being proactive and HIM making sure we are not in separate corners makes me feel safe and secure. I want to feel that we are important enough to him that HE brings us back together.

If you go back and read my history you will see that we were very broken when I brought this lifestyle to him. Over the past 4 1/2 years he has tried on many occasions to be the leader that this lifestyle demands. He does in short bursts but then it stops.

He is fantastic in so many ways but I just am not sure he can do this. I have read many places that you cannot make someone who is not a dominant be a dominant and I think that is our problem. I think he wants to on some level but it is not who he is.

Anyway that is a bit of where we are. If anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears. Willie commented when this post was up yesterday and wondered if I could meet him halfway. It’s a very valid point and I will of course. I just can’t help feeling that it is more of a flip flop of roles than a meeting in the middle. I hope I didn’t loose your comment when I reposted this Willie. It’s a good suggestion.

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Do This

  

Looking Back, Moving Forward

Below is a letter I wrote for Alex on our private blog. It is a little more personal than I usually share but maybe that is what I need right now, to be open and vulnerable. We continue our Dd lifestyle but openly embrace and call it by the Dominant/submissive D/s name as well. I just want to share some of our struggles and my thoughts. 

For the time being, he has assigned me the task of writing every day, either here or privately. I will try to do most of the posting here so maybe it can help someone out there. Anyway, here’s what I wrote today.

Dear Sir,

In the past two months many things about our dynamic fell away with the stress in December and our son coming home and then him just being here and us not being alone. I know that has not changed but I am excited about the prospect of returning to D/s and our Dd lifestyle.
Because of this writing assignment I have spent some time in the last day looking at and reading some of the old posts in this blog, both those I published and those that are only in my draft file. What I have understood from that reading reinforces my conviction that a heightened, strict way of organizing our relationship is exactly what I want, both from you and from myself.

As I look back on what is in my files it is remarkable to me how little my thinking on this has changed. It shows that not just now but last year, 2 years ago, 3 and even more years ago I wanted you, your guidance, and most importantly your follow through and consistency on punishment.

I hope this is the time that all of this will truly sink in and you will embrace this lifestyle both for me but also for you. What I also learned from reading my files is that this is not going away for me. I truly believe I will always want this. And I truly hope that you can really accept that and me and take this ride with me.

The past two months have been hard for both of us. The problem is that we both let what was happening externally affect us. We both let the dynamic fall away. We pretty much quit having sex (not good). You didn’t call me out on anything and I didn’t follow through on my rules at all.

I have been way too snarky and rude to you in the the last two months and the last month absolutely. I understand that respect is vitally important to how you (and most men) feel love. Being spoken to in a civil, non sarcastic way is what you deserve. You are the reason our family is what it is. You deserve to be spoken to with respect and I have not shown you nearly the respect you deserve lately. Please don’t put up with it. Respect is one of the core tenants of this dynamic and something I have promised you. If I am not speaking to you with respect then I am not honoring you and all you do for me and for our family and I deserve your reproach.

As I said in my public post there are so many times lately that I would have punished me. I have to believe that more than once you wanted to call me out and demand my respect but because of people around you let it go. Please don’t. Please at least say something at the end of the day or take me aside and call me out. Let me know I am at or over the line. I really cannot know what you find acceptable if you don’t tell me. I don’t want us to not joke and tease but I think we both know many times I am just snarky and mean and that is not ok.

I also know that with our son around all the time that we both will have to get creative. Silent punishment or non spanking punishment will be needed. Just because we are not alone does not mean I don’t want to live this way. I need to be respectful maybe even more when our son is around and watching. We need to model for him how we think a husband and wife should act around each other. I never want him to know that we are D/s but I do want him to see a couple who is deeply in love and a husband who is in charge and a wife who follows. It is almost more important to expect my respectful speech when he is around. For instance, I should never back seat drive, but doing it in front of him makes it doubly bad. I hope you agree and act accordingly.

I let other things fall away as well. I definitely let my housekeeping chores fall away and did them when and how I wanted, not on any schedule or to any particular standard. Sometimes I did this out of laziness and sometimes I did it to test and see if you would notice. You didn’t and so I continued the behavior. It really is a circle for me when we have let things slide. I am committing to you now to return to the published housekeeping schedule. Everything must be done for the week, or I must talk to you and get an extension or exemption. Checkin is on Sunday or Monday, which ever is best for you. The everyday things are non negotiable.

My clothing is another area that I have changed. I don’t know if you even noticed. Today is the first time I have worn a skirt or dress for a long time. Skirts do much for both of us I think. If I am ruling my own life, especially in the winter, I would wear pants every day and so I have been. But skirts are more feminine. They are an outward sign of my submission to you and this dynamic we choose. They give you immediate access and make me much more available. Pants are essentially a sign of defiance. If I want to wear them on a particular day going forward I will ask your permission.

Lastly, I feel like I completely got away from using the honorific, Sir. I think using it is important for several reasons. It demonstrates respect and you appreciate it. That alone is enough. But it does more. I have to do it with intention. It is not a natural thing so every time I use it I do so on purpose. We have both decided it is important and I hope you start to expect it of me whenever we are alone.

Thank you Sir for having me write this. It does make me examine myself and our dynamic and I hope it helps us both.

Yours…

  

New Year Old Us

I’m writing again. I’m writing again. If I say it and do it enough I hope it will be an “I think I can! I think I can!” and then an “I knew I could! I knew I could!” kind of thing.

Anyway, like I said before, hello. It feels good to typing again.

Let me tell you a little about the me of 2016. I’m still here and I would love to say that we are going great gangbusters in our Dominance and submission but you know this is about being true and frankly our dynamic is a bit lacking lately. For reasons mostly having to do with privacy and time we have been pretty vanilla of late.

I wish I didn’t need his Dominance so much. I wish I could give him submission all the time and at the same level as I want to even when we are vanilla and busy and I’m not getting Dominance from him. I have thought so much about this. I want to do things for other people. I want to make other’s lives easier especially for my family and most especially for my husband. When I am open and giving and focused on doing everything I can to smooth the way for him it makes me truly happy.

I don’t know why I am wired this way but I am. It took me a long time to recognize it and a long time to put a name to it but I am a submissive. Not out in the world and not as my public persona at all but in my home and with my husband I want to be his help. He does so much for me and for our family. I hope I have said this before, but I will say it now. He truly is the best man I know. He deserves my devotion. He deserves my best.

I wish I were strong enough to always give it but I do need his help to allow that submissive side to come out, and more importantly, to stay out.

I need him. I need to feel his presence. I need to feel structure and walls and limits. I so like the safety I feel in rules. I like knowing where the line is and that he is watching. I like the visibility of rules. And while I don’t like punishments themselves I do need punishment.

I have thought so much about this and I think that is really what it boils down to for me. In order to punish someone you must care. It is a very active thing. You have to set the boundaries, pay attention to the behavior and then actively get involved by taking action when punishing.

You cannot be passive and punish.

For me it is not so much about the spanking itself but about the time, attention, effort, resolve, and commitment that he must demonstrate in order to punish. And it doesn’t have to be spanking. It can be time out, corner time, lines, really anything he comes up with. The point is for me, that he took the time to notice and then had the fortitude to impose himself on me.

As I write this I feel my grown woman modern self cringing. In many ways I don’t know that I will ever loose that struggle of wanting this kind of discipline and attention even in our modern world. I know it is not PC, but that doesn’t diminish this want and need in me.

So I will say it again. I want and need his rules and more importantly his punishments. I want and need his rules and MOST IMPORTANTLY his punishments. I don’t think I have a spanking kink as much as I have a punishment kink.

The problem for me and for us comes in that implementation. Even after 4 years of this we are at different levels. I want and need this so much more than him. I just do. So there’s the struggle. There are so many times that I would punish me if I were in charge. I would not put up with some of the things I do and definitely some of the things I say and how I say them. When I start to feel like that my submission and my doing things for him with a happy and humble heart really diminish. I wish I could say I was stronger than that but I can’t. I need to feel him actively participating. It is a constant struggle.

Anyway, I think that might be a good start for writing again. Admitting your issues is always a big start I hope.

I need his attention and for me that means punishments. I will show him this latter. It is nothing he hasn’t heard before but maybe it will stick this time.

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Is Anybody Out There?

imageI really can’t believe it has been 14 months since I wrote anything here. It’s funny. When I first started blogging and were new it was really pretty all consuming, that feeling of wanting to put all that I was thinking and feeling down in a post. I’m a very verbal person but this is not something you can talk about with anyone you know. (At least for me.) And so I wrote. I wrote here and I wrote on my private blog just for Alex.

But after awhile it began to feel like I was saying all the same things, and feeling all the same things. We are up. We are down. We are good. We are struggling. The kids are home so we have pretty much put the dynamic away for a bit. The kids are gone so I think things will improve. I really want this. Does he really want this? We talked. We are trying again. On. And on. And on. Broken record.

Who wants to read that? Who wants to see the same thing over and over? But probably more significantly for me, why would I want to write that. It became a graphic representation of our stagnation. And so I quit writing.

But lately I have been feeling like even if that is the case I should write again. I need to process things now just as much as before and this is still an excellent way to do that. So I am going to do that.

I am going to write. I am going to make myself write. I would love to tell you that everything is going strong but as always we are a work in progress and I continue to be in a position of pushing or pulling him along with me. But maybe this introspection will help that process along.

Anyway, hello again. Is there anybody out there? I hope there is someone still there but even if you have all gone away I’m still here and beginning again.

My next post will be a full update and some thoughts on where I am but I wanted to start with hello.

Happy New Year!

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Happy New Year one and all! Later tonight we will gather with friends for a lovely meal and fireworks to ring in the New Year. I hope you and yours have a fun and safe new year.

Wishing you Blessings and Good Fortune in 2015!

Merry Christmas

It is just past midnight on December 26th but it still feels like Christmas so I hope I’m not too late.

We had a wonderful day here full of family and friends and good food. We wish for you and yours that you had the same.

Merry Christmas one and all!

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And Now For The Update

First I want to thank all of you who commented on my last LOL post. It means more than I can say that there is anyone still reading after all the time I have spent away from the blog. Thank you all!

I never planned to stay away for any length of time. You know how it goes. First it was summer with all the challenges that brings. Extra kids. Extra eyes and ears means less privacy and a lesser dynamic. Then school started again and we were more active but I feel like I have written the “We are starting again” post more than once and so didn’t feel there was much new to say. It felt like we were doing well, kind of chugging along.

And then it just stopped. Well that’s not exactly right. He just kind of stopped. We were doing submission exercises and he was checking in on me and doing maintenance pretty regularly and then it just stopped.

I was confused and concerned. He had experienced a pretty significant disappointment at work and I know it bothered him and shook his confidence and I now know that was the trigger. I tried to be patient and wait it out but after almost three weeks I couldn’t any longer and confronted him.

All the specifics are not that important but ultimately he said he wanted us to take a break. I was completely devastated. How could he want a break? What did that even look or feel like? You have to go back many, many years to find a point that we were relating well on a vanilla basis. It was spanking and that exchange of power which put us on a path of healing what was broken and I truly didn’t and frankly don’t have a good picture in my head of how we would relate without it.

After three years in this lifestyle I am a firm believer in a leader for the family, someone who has the ultimate power to decide things for the good of the family. But it goes beyond that for me. There are SO many times I consciously ask for his approval or make a decision myself based on what I think he would prefer. I’m not sure he even really appreciates the depths of this from me. But it is conscious for me. If we are not going to live in this dynamic then I think I could get a lot more selfish in my decisions. Does that make sense? If he doesn’t want my focus then I will need a new focus.

I don’t work outside the home. I have been fortunate enough to stay home to raise our children. The youngest goes to college next year and we will be alone together. One of the main reasons I even started this at all was my fear of getting to this point and not having any relationship with him. I can’t live like that. I won’t live like that. I could get a job but really after all this time I’m not sure what that would even be. I like the freedom and have really been looking forward to the time that I can travel with him and spend more time together. If we are not relating then that may need to change. I don’t know.

At about the same time as all this he had some pretty extensive travel planned and so we took some time. Time for each of us to think, really think about what we wanted. Let me tell you I was all over the place. Some days I just wanted to call the whole thing off. Some days I wanted to go full steam ahead. Some days I didn’t really know what I wanted.

A few girlfriends helped me talk through some things and really helped. Ultimately I did what I always do and wrote my thoughts down. What I came up with was this.

I want this and I want this completely. I am tired of going slow. I am tired of having training wheels on. I am tired of waiting and thinking and considering. I want deciding and I want direction and I want control. I want his rules and I want his punishments. The problem is that, even before our break, there was not nearly enough doing and far too much thinking.

When things are going well here we are acting in a dynamic that is very heavy on Dominance and submission. I have for quite some time, told him of my desire for him to be my Dominant. He knows this. He knows that when he provides standards for me to follow, I feel safe. What would appear to those outside this lifestyle as controlling and overbearing, appear to me as love and attention. The problem is that even before all this the doing was not always there

And so I gave him what amounts to an ultimatum. We need to do this or not. He either needs to step up and be the Dominant that I am asking him to be all the time or be man enough to admit that this lifestyle isn’t for him. I’m tired of the wishy washy. That doesn’t mean we would split up or anything but it does mean we would have to find a new way to relate with all that entails.

Toward the end of our time apart I went back to doing the things that he asks me to do that make me feel him and my submissiveness. I made sure that the tasks that are important to him were done and done well so his homecoming was good. He noticed. Even though I was giving him an ultimatum of sorts I did not want our discussion to be confrontational. It was important that we talk about everything in a level headed manner and so providing a calm, organized space was an outward way of doing this for him.

We really didn’t talk a whole lot during those trips, saving up the conversation for when he returned. We talked, he read my journal and we talked. A lot. Happily, even before I said anything to him about how I felt he essentially said the same things to me. I was so relieved. He knows that I want and need a heightened level of attention from him and he intends to do that.

So far so good. After being so far apart for over a month coming back together with one direction felt amazing. So connected.

It really hasn’t been very long so I can’t say for sure that it will work long term but so far so good. I’ll keep you posted.

What I think we both learned in a very concrete way was that we are better together and on the same team. It was really lonely without him. And I know he was lost as well. Maybe it was what we needed. I think he saw how much easier he has things when I am centered on him. I like my focus there and now he appreciates it more than ever.

If it helped us to learn and grow then it will have been worth it. I’ll keep you informed.

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Love Our Lurkers!

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Hello all!

I haven’t posted in several months and there is much to report. I will put up a new post to catch up this week but in the meantime I didn’t feel like I should let LOL 9 Day go by without jumping in. Our Dd and D/s has been changing and evolving lately and we are still sorting things out but we are moving in a good direction.

If  you are still reading here after my hiatus I am so grateful. So please come out of the shadows if you are here. I would love to hear from you.

Thanks to Hermione for hosting LOL 9.  It was just the thing I needed to get back to blogging!

 

 

When It Rains

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May was crazy. It was full of incredible highs and unbelievable lows which kept us off balance pretty much the whole time. We are just now starting to find our feet again.

I told you in my last post a bit about my Mom and what she was facing. She fell and has been in both a rehab hospital and now a nursing home while she recovers from her injuries. It is slow going and is obviously hard for her and really for us all. I spent a week there with her but have not been back since. Being far away is so hard sometimes.

I came home from Mom’s for one day and then left to see our daughter graduate from college. It really was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. She is such an accomplished young woman and graduated from an Ivy League University, truly one of the world’s finest schools. Watching my child do this was an almost out of body experience. Proud does not even begin to describe the feelings.

Unfortunately, my father-in-law suffered a heart attack shortly before her ceremony so we knew as we watched that as soon as it was over Alex would be leaving to go to his bedside. Sadly he passed away just a few days later so we all followed to say goodbye and then attend the funeral. I don’t want to say much really but as I know myself, and I’m sure many can attest, loosing a parent is so hard and it was. It will take time to heal.

Going from such lows to such highs and then to even deeper lows took a toll on us both this month but we handled it as best we could. Justifiably so, Alex was really unable for awhile to do anything but grieve and the dynamics of our relationship took a backseat. Leading takes a lot of thought and energy and when you are going through such a difficult time you just don’t have that energy to give. I think one of the things that makes us strong is that he knows he can trust me to step up and take the lead when I need to when situations are tearing at us. I look at it as really an extension of the service I try to give him anyway. Service is about making things smooth and easier for him and for that time making some decisions hopefully did just that.

All this craziness meant that both of us were away from our own home for almost the whole month. We are finally back under the same roof and slowly reestablishing ourselves into our dynamic. We did maintenance for the first time in a long time as a way to reconnect. It helped but it will take time. I’m trying not to ask too much of him and put too many demands on him. I find safety when he is in control and command but I’m not sure he is ready to really assert himself too much yet when he is still grieving and coming to terms with his loss.

We haven’t really talked much but I think if I asked he would say that knowing that I am there in a support role has been a big help to him in getting through this month. Part of that support is actually giving him the space to grieve without asking for too much talk. He needs at analyze things in his own way and a lot of talk is not his way.

I do think the foundation we have built for ourselves and this dynamic has helped us get through the last month. Even when it is in the background, hopefully that foundation has given him something to stand on.

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