I’ll Explain

You said I was driving you crazy.

I am fully aware of that.

That is the point, honestly.

Do something about it.
Yesterday I posted this. I thought I was posting this and the other post from yesterday on my other blog, the private one.

I don’t post such steam of consciousness things here as a rule but maybe it was my subconscious trying to get me to think deeper and so I will let you in a little on what is going on.

Dd and D/s have been essentially non existent here since I wrote last. I was hopeful we were moving forward but then things stalled and felt like they were moving backward.

They still feel that way. We are supposed to talk this weekend. We were supposed to talk last weekend. And the weekend before. You get the picture. I am waiting for him to lead. Still waiting.

I could have brought it up. I could have insisted. I always am the one who does. But we are supposed to have this framework and structure in place in our marriage. I wanted and still want him to use that. He knows things are not ok. But he remains silent. Say something. Do something. I have given him control. Use it.

If I go to him and initiate every conversation when we have issues I am the one who is making things happen. I am the one who is fixing things. I am the one who is leading.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am more than capable of doing that and that is exactly what will happen here again. But. And it’s a big one and one I just can’t get him to see.

I don’t want to.

I don’t know how to make him see that him taking control, being proactive and HIM making sure we are not in separate corners makes me feel safe and secure. I want to feel that we are important enough to him that HE brings us back together.

If you go back and read my history you will see that we were very broken when I brought this lifestyle to him. Over the past 4 1/2 years he has tried on many occasions to be the leader that this lifestyle demands. He does in short bursts but then it stops.

He is fantastic in so many ways but I just am not sure he can do this. I have read many places that you cannot make someone who is not a dominant be a dominant and I think that is our problem. I think he wants to on some level but it is not who he is.

Anyway that is a bit of where we are. If anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears. Willie commented when this post was up yesterday and wondered if I could meet him halfway. It’s a very valid point and I will of course. I just can’t help feeling that it is more of a flip flop of roles than a meeting in the middle. I hope I didn’t loose your comment when I reposted this Willie. It’s a good suggestion.

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Looking Back, Moving Forward

Below is a letter I wrote for Alex on our private blog. It is a little more personal than I usually share but maybe that is what I need right now, to be open and vulnerable. We continue our Dd lifestyle but openly embrace and call it by the Dominant/submissive D/s name as well. I just want to share some of our struggles and my thoughts. 

For the time being, he has assigned me the task of writing every day, either here or privately. I will try to do most of the posting here so maybe it can help someone out there. Anyway, here’s what I wrote today.

Dear Sir,

In the past two months many things about our dynamic fell away with the stress in December and our son coming home and then him just being here and us not being alone. I know that has not changed but I am excited about the prospect of returning to D/s and our Dd lifestyle.
Because of this writing assignment I have spent some time in the last day looking at and reading some of the old posts in this blog, both those I published and those that are only in my draft file. What I have understood from that reading reinforces my conviction that a heightened, strict way of organizing our relationship is exactly what I want, both from you and from myself.

As I look back on what is in my files it is remarkable to me how little my thinking on this has changed. It shows that not just now but last year, 2 years ago, 3 and even more years ago I wanted you, your guidance, and most importantly your follow through and consistency on punishment.

I hope this is the time that all of this will truly sink in and you will embrace this lifestyle both for me but also for you. What I also learned from reading my files is that this is not going away for me. I truly believe I will always want this. And I truly hope that you can really accept that and me and take this ride with me.

The past two months have been hard for both of us. The problem is that we both let what was happening externally affect us. We both let the dynamic fall away. We pretty much quit having sex (not good). You didn’t call me out on anything and I didn’t follow through on my rules at all.

I have been way too snarky and rude to you in the the last two months and the last month absolutely. I understand that respect is vitally important to how you (and most men) feel love. Being spoken to in a civil, non sarcastic way is what you deserve. You are the reason our family is what it is. You deserve to be spoken to with respect and I have not shown you nearly the respect you deserve lately. Please don’t put up with it. Respect is one of the core tenants of this dynamic and something I have promised you. If I am not speaking to you with respect then I am not honoring you and all you do for me and for our family and I deserve your reproach.

As I said in my public post there are so many times lately that I would have punished me. I have to believe that more than once you wanted to call me out and demand my respect but because of people around you let it go. Please don’t. Please at least say something at the end of the day or take me aside and call me out. Let me know I am at or over the line. I really cannot know what you find acceptable if you don’t tell me. I don’t want us to not joke and tease but I think we both know many times I am just snarky and mean and that is not ok.

I also know that with our son around all the time that we both will have to get creative. Silent punishment or non spanking punishment will be needed. Just because we are not alone does not mean I don’t want to live this way. I need to be respectful maybe even more when our son is around and watching. We need to model for him how we think a husband and wife should act around each other. I never want him to know that we are D/s but I do want him to see a couple who is deeply in love and a husband who is in charge and a wife who follows. It is almost more important to expect my respectful speech when he is around. For instance, I should never back seat drive, but doing it in front of him makes it doubly bad. I hope you agree and act accordingly.

I let other things fall away as well. I definitely let my housekeeping chores fall away and did them when and how I wanted, not on any schedule or to any particular standard. Sometimes I did this out of laziness and sometimes I did it to test and see if you would notice. You didn’t and so I continued the behavior. It really is a circle for me when we have let things slide. I am committing to you now to return to the published housekeeping schedule. Everything must be done for the week, or I must talk to you and get an extension or exemption. Checkin is on Sunday or Monday, which ever is best for you. The everyday things are non negotiable.

My clothing is another area that I have changed. I don’t know if you even noticed. Today is the first time I have worn a skirt or dress for a long time. Skirts do much for both of us I think. If I am ruling my own life, especially in the winter, I would wear pants every day and so I have been. But skirts are more feminine. They are an outward sign of my submission to you and this dynamic we choose. They give you immediate access and make me much more available. Pants are essentially a sign of defiance. If I want to wear them on a particular day going forward I will ask your permission.

Lastly, I feel like I completely got away from using the honorific, Sir. I think using it is important for several reasons. It demonstrates respect and you appreciate it. That alone is enough. But it does more. I have to do it with intention. It is not a natural thing so every time I use it I do so on purpose. We have both decided it is important and I hope you start to expect it of me whenever we are alone.

Thank you Sir for having me write this. It does make me examine myself and our dynamic and I hope it helps us both.

Yours…

  

New Year Old Us

I’m writing again. I’m writing again. If I say it and do it enough I hope it will be an “I think I can! I think I can!” and then an “I knew I could! I knew I could!” kind of thing.

Anyway, like I said before, hello. It feels good to typing again.

Let me tell you a little about the me of 2016. I’m still here and I would love to say that we are going great gangbusters in our Dominance and submission but you know this is about being true and frankly our dynamic is a bit lacking lately. For reasons mostly having to do with privacy and time we have been pretty vanilla of late.

I wish I didn’t need his Dominance so much. I wish I could give him submission all the time and at the same level as I want to even when we are vanilla and busy and I’m not getting Dominance from him. I have thought so much about this. I want to do things for other people. I want to make other’s lives easier especially for my family and most especially for my husband. When I am open and giving and focused on doing everything I can to smooth the way for him it makes me truly happy.

I don’t know why I am wired this way but I am. It took me a long time to recognize it and a long time to put a name to it but I am a submissive. Not out in the world and not as my public persona at all but in my home and with my husband I want to be his help. He does so much for me and for our family. I hope I have said this before, but I will say it now. He truly is the best man I know. He deserves my devotion. He deserves my best.

I wish I were strong enough to always give it but I do need his help to allow that submissive side to come out, and more importantly, to stay out.

I need him. I need to feel his presence. I need to feel structure and walls and limits. I so like the safety I feel in rules. I like knowing where the line is and that he is watching. I like the visibility of rules. And while I don’t like punishments themselves I do need punishment.

I have thought so much about this and I think that is really what it boils down to for me. In order to punish someone you must care. It is a very active thing. You have to set the boundaries, pay attention to the behavior and then actively get involved by taking action when punishing.

You cannot be passive and punish.

For me it is not so much about the spanking itself but about the time, attention, effort, resolve, and commitment that he must demonstrate in order to punish. And it doesn’t have to be spanking. It can be time out, corner time, lines, really anything he comes up with. The point is for me, that he took the time to notice and then had the fortitude to impose himself on me.

As I write this I feel my grown woman modern self cringing. In many ways I don’t know that I will ever loose that struggle of wanting this kind of discipline and attention even in our modern world. I know it is not PC, but that doesn’t diminish this want and need in me.

So I will say it again. I want and need his rules and more importantly his punishments. I want and need his rules and MOST IMPORTANTLY his punishments. I don’t think I have a spanking kink as much as I have a punishment kink.

The problem for me and for us comes in that implementation. Even after 4 years of this we are at different levels. I want and need this so much more than him. I just do. So there’s the struggle. There are so many times that I would punish me if I were in charge. I would not put up with some of the things I do and definitely some of the things I say and how I say them. When I start to feel like that my submission and my doing things for him with a happy and humble heart really diminish. I wish I could say I was stronger than that but I can’t. I need to feel him actively participating. It is a constant struggle.

Anyway, I think that might be a good start for writing again. Admitting your issues is always a big start I hope.

I need his attention and for me that means punishments. I will show him this latter. It is nothing he hasn’t heard before but maybe it will stick this time.

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Is Anybody Out There?

imageI really can’t believe it has been 14 months since I wrote anything here. It’s funny. When I first started blogging and were new it was really pretty all consuming, that feeling of wanting to put all that I was thinking and feeling down in a post. I’m a very verbal person but this is not something you can talk about with anyone you know. (At least for me.) And so I wrote. I wrote here and I wrote on my private blog just for Alex.

But after awhile it began to feel like I was saying all the same things, and feeling all the same things. We are up. We are down. We are good. We are struggling. The kids are home so we have pretty much put the dynamic away for a bit. The kids are gone so I think things will improve. I really want this. Does he really want this? We talked. We are trying again. On. And on. And on. Broken record.

Who wants to read that? Who wants to see the same thing over and over? But probably more significantly for me, why would I want to write that. It became a graphic representation of our stagnation. And so I quit writing.

But lately I have been feeling like even if that is the case I should write again. I need to process things now just as much as before and this is still an excellent way to do that. So I am going to do that.

I am going to write. I am going to make myself write. I would love to tell you that everything is going strong but as always we are a work in progress and I continue to be in a position of pushing or pulling him along with me. But maybe this introspection will help that process along.

Anyway, hello again. Is there anybody out there? I hope there is someone still there but even if you have all gone away I’m still here and beginning again.

My next post will be a full update and some thoughts on where I am but I wanted to start with hello.