I’ll Explain

You said I was driving you crazy.

I am fully aware of that.

That is the point, honestly.

Do something about it.
Yesterday I posted this. I thought I was posting this and the other post from yesterday on my other blog, the private one.

I don’t post such steam of consciousness things here as a rule but maybe it was my subconscious trying to get me to think deeper and so I will let you in a little on what is going on.

Dd and D/s have been essentially non existent here since I wrote last. I was hopeful we were moving forward but then things stalled and felt like they were moving backward.

They still feel that way. We are supposed to talk this weekend. We were supposed to talk last weekend. And the weekend before. You get the picture. I am waiting for him to lead. Still waiting.

I could have brought it up. I could have insisted. I always am the one who does. But we are supposed to have this framework and structure in place in our marriage. I wanted and still want him to use that. He knows things are not ok. But he remains silent. Say something. Do something. I have given him control. Use it.

If I go to him and initiate every conversation when we have issues I am the one who is making things happen. I am the one who is fixing things. I am the one who is leading.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am more than capable of doing that and that is exactly what will happen here again. But. And it’s a big one and one I just can’t get him to see.

I don’t want to.

I don’t know how to make him see that him taking control, being proactive and HIM making sure we are not in separate corners makes me feel safe and secure. I want to feel that we are important enough to him that HE brings us back together.

If you go back and read my history you will see that we were very broken when I brought this lifestyle to him. Over the past 4 1/2 years he has tried on many occasions to be the leader that this lifestyle demands. He does in short bursts but then it stops.

He is fantastic in so many ways but I just am not sure he can do this. I have read many places that you cannot make someone who is not a dominant be a dominant and I think that is our problem. I think he wants to on some level but it is not who he is.

Anyway that is a bit of where we are. If anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears. Willie commented when this post was up yesterday and wondered if I could meet him halfway. It’s a very valid point and I will of course. I just can’t help feeling that it is more of a flip flop of roles than a meeting in the middle. I hope I didn’t loose your comment when I reposted this Willie. It’s a good suggestion.


3 thoughts on “I’ll Explain

  1. Ahhhhhhhhhh yes, THAT age old dilemma. I truly believe when ‘they’ get out of step, it is far more difficult to get their stride back. Any chance at meeting him half way?


  2. Hey Lady, I think at some point we have all felt this way. I know 4 years in you must feel that you shouldn’t be ‘here’ still. But the thing is, ‘here’ is a far different place than ‘here’ was 4.5 years ago. Don’t forget that. I like to think of our relationships as ‘leveling up’ over time. I know when I become frustrated with our dynamic, I try to remember where we were a year ago, and think that if I was here, then, I would have been over the moon. Evolution has a tendency to make us forget how far we have come, when it is slow in the making.

    I remember LONG ago reading some blog, not really in the little corner you and I used to read exclusively in (wink). Anyway it was written by a man. I can’t for the life of me remember who. He said, ” Women are the communicators in a relationship. We all need to bring our strengths to the table.” Bringing your strength to the table is NOT controlling. We have ‘roles’ within this D/s dynamic, BUT that doesn’t mean or primary goal is not equal. IF communication needs to be had, the one who feels it first has the obligation to say something. It isn’t control, it is ensuring that the relationship maintains a healthy framework. What IS control is sitting there fuming, manipulating him by actions of pouting, disrespect, disobedience ( um not claiming you are doing this ) in hopes that he will become frustrated enough to react.

    I know that when you bring up the same issues/hurts/fears to your partner over and over again it can seem so very hurtful. It appears that they don’t want to try to understand. When times like this have happened in the past, I have taken a breather, and then thought about words or things he has said to me. Am I missing something? Is he trying to tell me something or am I just creating assumptions due to his silence that might not be there?

    Often Barney will become VERY invested after I have collapsed under the weight of stress, or illness. Prior to that I think I am in the ‘I’ve got this mode’ of days gone by. Or appear like I have an agenda that he better follow or nothing will be accomplished. I don’t intend on sending out these vibes, as inside I am thinking, ” please stop me. please take over”. Perhaps that can be your jumping off point? I have recently taken to saying to my husband, ” I don’t think I am strong enough to handle today as it is shaping up to be”. I am not telling him to DO something, I am just being honest with my fears. The vulnerability does help. (Don’t get me wrong it is scary as Hell…what if he does nothing? But anything worth anything is worth the risk ).

    You know where to find me.


  3. Great post, especially when you say, “I want to feel that we are important enough to him that HE brings us back together.” I know exactly what you mean!

    I’m so happy that I found your blog, and I have added it to the blog roll on my new domestic discipline blog. If you have a moment to check it out, I’d really appreciate it! 🙂 http://www.TheSpankedWife.com

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