Freedom

He just came in and pointed to the bedroom. I knew. I knew that I had broken his rules about his car and it was deserved. It was a quick, sharp reminder to follow the rules. He said if I do it again it will be double. I believe him.

So why do I find myself sitting here with a stingy behind and a smile on my face? It seems such contradiction but it’s true.

When I think about it though I know why.

I like our rules. I like knowing what is important to him and when he is decisive and immediate in enforcing them I know he takes this all seriously.

We spent much of the summer in what I called Dd light. Little privacy meant little ability to enforce our rules. Now that things are back to a more predictable schedule we have both agreed that things that were allowed to slide will not be anymore and that he expects a higher level of compliance. We both welcome this change.

Here’s the thing. Rather than feeling limiting, our rules, our structure give me freedom. I know many would not understand that but it is how I feel. We all have choices to make throughout our day and far too often it is the easy choice that gets made instead of the right choice.

When he makes rules I trust that he has my best interests at heart. He will not always get it right and neither will I but with love and sincere intention we will make progress. If I then disobey him and he provides consequences that builds my trust in him.

When he makes a decision he is taking the decision away from me by making it for me. For example, I don’t have to think about whether or not to exercise because he has already made that choice for me. If I make a different choice then I know he will deal with it. If he really imposes certain rules and behaviors he frees me up to not think about whether to do it or not. By following his will I am “free” to ignore the excuses in my own mind about exercise. Rather than being limiting, when done with care, and love and intention, this is incredibly liberating.

If I know that he means what he says then I am free to give in to his will and give him my submission. If I can trust his Dominance I can really explore my submission. His Dominance allows me to give that to him and grow in my submission.

Because we have this agreement I am “free”  to be always open to him even when I am tired and might not otherwise want to. Many would scoff at the idea of never being “allowed” to say no. For me though it “allows” me to truly show him how important he is to me.

I can submit to things in and out of the bedroom that I might not have been willing to try before because I know he expects it. There is such freedom for me in that.

That is a really important point I think and one the two of us at least had not discussed very much until now. I feel freedom in my submission.

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Some Struggles

I have thought a lot about how to convey the story of our weekend and I am still not really sure so I think I will just start typing and see how it flows.

It was a weird disconnected weekend. We didn’t communicate well and I felt a little lost.

Communication has not always been our strong point. Often when feelings were hurt or the issue was tough to talk about or deal with things wouldn’t get talked about until one or both of us moved on to something else. It wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t useful but it kept things quiet and outwardly peaceful. It led to a lot of hurt feelings really. Not good.

We are much better now than we were before Dd but unfortunately this weekend was more like the old us and less like the new us.

sad chalk board

This time last year I wrote a post about my weight loss. At the time I was doing pretty well and I ended loosing over 25 pounds. Unfortunately since then I have not been working nearly hard enough and gained more than 1/2 of that back. I don’t feel as good as I did and my clothes don’t fit as well. Pretty much everything about that is worse.

We have a blog that is private and just for us to communicate with each other especially when he is traveling. On that blog I wrote to him and asked him to help me with this in a kind of general way. It is hard and uncomfortable to admit to him that I need his help with exercising and also hard to admit it to you all here on this blog.

The problem is that after a week he had not said much about it so this time I wrote to him again and was very specific in my request. When I didn’t get a response this time I kind of spiraled. I was feeling very vulnerable and frustrated and got more and more grumpy as the weekend progressed. I know he noticed because he told me I was being snippy but that was pretty much it. (I wasn’t actually surprised or unhappy about that. It was the Final Four of March Madness after all.) (College basketball for those outside the US and a very big deal around here.)

By Sunday morning I was kind of a mess. I tend to talk to myself sometimes and I had pretty much talked myself into not saying anything to him. I put up a brave front when I am alone but really as soon as I am with him I can’t hold out and it all comes out. That is what happened.

I asked him if he knew why I was mad and eventually after much talking and quite a few tears from me I got it all out and made him see what was wrong. Old habits and inaction can be hard to break out of even after over a year of doing this and weekends like this remind us just how important it is to stay vigilant. We talked a lot and unlike before Dd we managed to do this and see each other’s point of view without more hurt feelings and fighting.

We are better now. We talked again last night and he has made some new rules for exercise and eating and will provide consequences if I don’t follow through on my end. I feel confident that he understands me better and he will watch out for me. We are going to both do this and hope to both be healthier and more fit.

Accountability is hard. It is hard for the person being watched and it is hard for the watcher. It takes diligence from both parties.

So there you go. I’ve told him. I’ve told you guys. Now I really can’t hide from this and make excuses for myself anymore. Time to get serious and take control of my health.

New Rule

Soda. Pop. Coke.

Depending on where you grew up you know it by a different name. Being a good southern girl I grew up drinking Coke. It didn’t matter what the beverage really was – Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Orange Pop, we were going to have a Coke.

He calls it pop and over the years that is what everyone in our house calls it. We debate this with other family members from other cities who insist it is soda but we are a pop family.

I think I would call it one of my vices. I drink too much of it. I always drink diet so I am not drinking my calories but I still know it is not the best thing for me. I have even considered asking Alex for help with my consumption of it but I never have because I know how hard it would be for me to give up. I like the taste. I like the bubbles. I just like it.

Well…

Last night, out of the blue, he declared that from today until September 7th I am to drink no pop at all. Not any.

Wait. What? Really? Not any?

See we have an annual health check on September 7th that his company insists on for insurance purposes. It includes weight, body mass index, blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, that kind of thing.

We had both been working on our weight but honestly summer has caused us both to slack off especially in the work out department and he feels like stopping pop consumption will take conscious effort that will carry over to all the other things that we must do to be in the best health we can be for the upcoming exam so NO POP.

Today I needed some clarification. What exactly does no pop mean.

Could I maybe have an occasional one if we are at a restaurant? Could I maybe have one on just one day a week? Could I maybe have just one last one since the last one I drank I didn’t know was my last and therefore didn’t savor like I should have?

No. No. And No. What part of N and O is hard to understand?

OK. So what are the consequences if I slip up?

For every one you drink, 10 days get added on to the restriction.

What? 10days? Really?

Really.

But that’s so long!

10 days!

Would I get spanked too?

Oh yes. Spanked too.

You’re not kidding are you?

Not in the slightest.

So there you have it. My new rule. I am not at all sure I can do this but I will try. I have asked him to take control and he has. I campaigned and lost all arguments. Now it is up to me to submit or face the consequences. When I write it out like that it seems logical and straight forward. I am not sure it will be in reality.

I actually really admire his conviction and leadership with this. He of course is giving it up too but he doesn’t drink nearly as much as I do. My logical mind knows that getting punished for this (and really anything) is my choice. Do what he asks and it’s all good. Don’t and face the music.

I just hope that logical mind stays with me for the next six weeks.

If I say this enough do you think it will help?

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

I want a pop.

Quick Update

Last week in Accountability Time I talked about using ttwd to help in my weight loss. It was a hard post to write and hard to ask Alex for his help.

Well I am proud that I did meet my weekly goal and I am on track for this week too.

I don’t want this to turn into a weight loss blog so I won’t post about it often but I did want to update last weeks post.

Thanks for all the encouragement. So appreciated!!

Accountability Time

I have been trying to write this post all week and haven’t quite been able to make it happen. I am here on my blog revealing things about myself that no one in real life knows but somehow I have had so much trouble writing an article articulating my struggles with my weight.

I know that there are often complicated emotional reasons that people have weight issues. I am not sure I allowed myself to admit this until recently. I allowed myself to rationalize why I had gained weight over the years and leave it at that.

I love food. I love to cook and I do it well. I enjoy entertaining and sharing myself through food. For me it is a way to connect to our heritage and our ancestors. I make dishes from all the countries that our grandparents came from. It grounds us and carries on traditions.

Over the years I definitely “let myself go.” Little by little I gained weight. To be back at a healthy weight I really need to loose at least 60 pounds from my high. Admitting that is difficult.

My love of food is of course one reason, but that is far from the only one. If I am honest with myself the biggest reason was that for a long time I just didn’t care. I was not intimate with Alex. I did not really care whether I looked good for him and therefore keeping the weight off was not a priority. What difference did it make.

Sure I knew all the health reasons to change my habits, eat less, move more. But I had known all that for years. I needed something more. And then I brought spanking into our relationship and all that changed. I suddenly cared how I looked in front of him.

The first time we ever talked about spanking, before I had ever even heard of Dd, I talked to him about how I felt that it could be used to hold me accountable for behaviors that I wanted to change about myself. I knew on an intrinsic level that I wanted and needed this to be part of our spanking relationship. Specifically, I suggested that it could be used to help me loose weight.

I started working out a little and did loose about 10 pounds but I knew I could do better. So after Christmas we set up a plan for both of us. We have individual goals and goals together. If we meet our joint goal we decided we would treat ourselves to a trip together. We also talked about using spanking to help me reach my individual goal.

So far we have not done that even though I am off target. He hasn’t fully met his goals either and I think he feels bad holding me to a different standard. I made decent progress especially at first but the past few weeks I hit a plateau. I have been exercising much more than before and watching what I eat but I need to do more if I want to make more progress. I need to work harder and make this an even bigger priority.

Before he left for the week I asked him to change that and he agreed. I must loose 2 or more pounds from last week’s number or he will spank. That is not a big number and is absolutely doable but it is not a number I have been able to hit for the past few weeks. It was hard to ask him this and makes me nervous. I am confident that I will meet the number this week but it still adds a new level of immediacy. I also expect that he will set new specific goals each week and follow through from now on.

Writing all this out feels a little like a confession. I feel very vulnerable sharing this but writing this down makes it real. Putting it in black and white makes it real. Maybe that is why it has been so hard to write.

So far I am on track to more than meet this week’s goal and I am proud to say that in total I am 25 pounds off my high. Now to keep on going…

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