Submission Soapbox


Submission is something I have been thinking a lot about the past few weeks. I love it and I crave it. More than anything I want to serve, please and obey. It makes me feel safe and loved when he is in control.

But it is my choice. It is something that the two of us have decided together. We have chosen this lifestyle, not because his gender makes him superior in any way to mine but because it makes us happy to do so. That is a huge and important distinction.

I submit not because he is male and therefore has some right to my submission or because God or some religion says so, but because giving this level of devotion feels more right than anything I have ever done. I give it. I choose it and I am thankful every day that he accepts it and nurtures my submission with his dominance.

My submission doesn’t diminish my power as a woman but enhances it because it is freely given. For so much of our past submission was something that was expected of women. They were to submit to their husbands no matter what. That is not at all how I see us. I do want to submit but only because I give him that gift; not because of society, or religion or even because he tells me to. There is freedom in my submission because I give it freely.

I come to him willingly and with much thought. The point is not to be a simple submissive wife but to be a partner who truly cares for and does everything possible to make his life and therefore our life happy, peaceful, loving and secure. By providing a nurturing place to come home to I make both our lives easier and more comfortable.

It is all so conscious. I don’t do it out of duty or obligation but out of joy.

For reasons I can’t go into, there has been a lot of discussion in our vanilla life recently about men and women and their roles in life and in marriage. Language and thinking much more representative of the 1950s where women were expected to blindly submit and obey because of their gender has been debated and argued often in ugly ways.

I stand now and forever here to defend a woman’s right to choose her path as a fully equal and important partner in life, marriage, career, the bedroom, anything really. Gender does not determine superiority.

I choose submission. I choose this lifestyle. Ultimately I have the power to give or not give my submission. My husband is the leader in our house, not because he is somehow ordained into that position because he is male or because some religion says so but because we, together decided that we wanted a Dominant/submissive lifestyle. It makes us happy and brings us joy precisely because of that freedom of choice. Nobody, including him, can make me do this and for anyone to suggest to my daughters that they “have” to do this because they are female is abhorrent to me.

I truly don’t know how I would explain any of this to them. They are now and will forever be equal to any man and honestly superior to most. It seems incongruous even to me to be shouting both for and against submission but that is where I am. I think ultimately it comes back to choice. I choose to submit and I choose to be equal. I choose to defend my right to submit and their right not to.

This has been such a strange time and it has caused me to really take a strong look at what we are doing and the reasons and motivations behind it. I would hate for my girls to see either of us as hypocritical because we choose to live like this. But there is that word again. Choose. Choice.

I find joy in my submission and I just hope that they could come to understand that and not judge either of us too harshly.

Stepping off my soapbox now.

Oh, You’re a Rule Follower

I live in a really nice neighborhood and we have an amazing tradition. Once a month for over ten years the ladies get together for dinner at someone’s house or at a restaurant. I was the one to host the gathering for October.  The meal was lovely and the weather perfect. I love to cook and bake and have attained quite a reputation in the neighborhood for both. I have also worked in a bakery in the past and sometimes make cakes and sell them to my friends and acquaintances. It is a very informal and very small operation.

That evening we were talking about the food and the desserts and one of my friends asked me about selling cakes. I explained that I do not have a commercial kitchen and that I would need to modify my home kitchen if I wanted to turn it into a real business.

“No”, she said. “You can do it at home.”

“No I can’t,” I explained. “Well I could but there would have to be changes in lighting, countertops etc. if I were  to really do this in my home on a scale any larger than I do now. There are regulations on food preparation businesses.”

“Oh you’re a rule follower.”

I just laughed and said yes but inside I wanted to say – You have no idea! I mean I am in a Dd marriage!

I have to say her comment brought me up a little short and has made me think.

I am Fun

I am a rule follower.

I like their structure. I like their security. I like their stability.

Maybe that is one of the reasons that ttwd works so well for me. I like rules. Having a list of rules that Alex finds important gives me the structure I need and want. It gives me security and stability. It makes me feel safe. They establish a framework for how our household runs.

Beyond our home we have rules and laws, regulations and standards of behavior that help us live in a civilized society. Rules help us to do that.

It greatly bothers me when I see these standards eroding. When I see others who can’t or won’t follow the rules and it worries me that so many just don’t seem to care or notice these days.

I picked up my daughter from an activity last evening. She is driving now and in the time it took for me to switch from the divers seat to the passenger seat so she could drive I heard a group of young guys loudly throw the f bomb three times as they walked past. When did that become ok? When did it become ok to subject everyone around you to your crass language? When did we loose our sense of decorum?

Its not ok with me. I think we loose something when we loose manners and acceptable ways to behave in public. When guys walk around with their pants around their knees and girls walk around in public in their pajamas we all loose something. When we don’t have standards we loose something. We need them.

So yes. In answer to her question…

In both my personal and public life I am a rule follower and proud of it.