New Year Old Us

I’m writing again. I’m writing again. If I say it and do it enough I hope it will be an “I think I can! I think I can!” and then an “I knew I could! I knew I could!” kind of thing.

Anyway, like I said before, hello. It feels good to typing again.

Let me tell you a little about the me of 2016. I’m still here and I would love to say that we are going great gangbusters in our Dominance and submission but you know this is about being true and frankly our dynamic is a bit lacking lately. For reasons mostly having to do with privacy and time we have been pretty vanilla of late.

I wish I didn’t need his Dominance so much. I wish I could give him submission all the time and at the same level as I want to even when we are vanilla and busy and I’m not getting Dominance from him. I have thought so much about this. I want to do things for other people. I want to make other’s lives easier especially for my family and most especially for my husband. When I am open and giving and focused on doing everything I can to smooth the way for him it makes me truly happy.

I don’t know why I am wired this way but I am. It took me a long time to recognize it and a long time to put a name to it but I am a submissive. Not out in the world and not as my public persona at all but in my home and with my husband I want to be his help. He does so much for me and for our family. I hope I have said this before, but I will say it now. He truly is the best man I know. He deserves my devotion. He deserves my best.

I wish I were strong enough to always give it but I do need his help to allow that submissive side to come out, and more importantly, to stay out.

I need him. I need to feel his presence. I need to feel structure and walls and limits. I so like the safety I feel in rules. I like knowing where the line is and that he is watching. I like the visibility of rules. And while I don’t like punishments themselves I do need punishment.

I have thought so much about this and I think that is really what it boils down to for me. In order to punish someone you must care. It is a very active thing. You have to set the boundaries, pay attention to the behavior and then actively get involved by taking action when punishing.

You cannot be passive and punish.

For me it is not so much about the spanking itself but about the time, attention, effort, resolve, and commitment that he must demonstrate in order to punish. And it doesn’t have to be spanking. It can be time out, corner time, lines, really anything he comes up with. The point is for me, that he took the time to notice and then had the fortitude to impose himself on me.

As I write this I feel my grown woman modern self cringing. In many ways I don’t know that I will ever loose that struggle of wanting this kind of discipline and attention even in our modern world. I know it is not PC, but that doesn’t diminish this want and need in me.

So I will say it again. I want and need his rules and more importantly his punishments. I want and need his rules and MOST IMPORTANTLY his punishments. I don’t think I have a spanking kink as much as I have a punishment kink.

The problem for me and for us comes in that implementation. Even after 4 years of this we are at different levels. I want and need this so much more than him. I just do. So there’s the struggle. There are so many times that I would punish me if I were in charge. I would not put up with some of the things I do and definitely some of the things I say and how I say them. When I start to feel like that my submission and my doing things for him with a happy and humble heart really diminish. I wish I could say I was stronger than that but I can’t. I need to feel him actively participating. It is a constant struggle.

Anyway, I think that might be a good start for writing again. Admitting your issues is always a big start I hope.

I need his attention and for me that means punishments. I will show him this latter. It is nothing he hasn’t heard before but maybe it will stick this time.

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And Now For The Update

First I want to thank all of you who commented on my last LOL post. It means more than I can say that there is anyone still reading after all the time I have spent away from the blog. Thank you all!

I never planned to stay away for any length of time. You know how it goes. First it was summer with all the challenges that brings. Extra kids. Extra eyes and ears means less privacy and a lesser dynamic. Then school started again and we were more active but I feel like I have written the “We are starting again” post more than once and so didn’t feel there was much new to say. It felt like we were doing well, kind of chugging along.

And then it just stopped. Well that’s not exactly right. He just kind of stopped. We were doing submission exercises and he was checking in on me and doing maintenance pretty regularly and then it just stopped.

I was confused and concerned. He had experienced a pretty significant disappointment at work and I know it bothered him and shook his confidence and I now know that was the trigger. I tried to be patient and wait it out but after almost three weeks I couldn’t any longer and confronted him.

All the specifics are not that important but ultimately he said he wanted us to take a break. I was completely devastated. How could he want a break? What did that even look or feel like? You have to go back many, many years to find a point that we were relating well on a vanilla basis. It was spanking and that exchange of power which put us on a path of healing what was broken and I truly didn’t and frankly don’t have a good picture in my head of how we would relate without it.

After three years in this lifestyle I am a firm believer in a leader for the family, someone who has the ultimate power to decide things for the good of the family. But it goes beyond that for me. There are SO many times I consciously ask for his approval or make a decision myself based on what I think he would prefer. I’m not sure he even really appreciates the depths of this from me. But it is conscious for me. If we are not going to live in this dynamic then I think I could get a lot more selfish in my decisions. Does that make sense? If he doesn’t want my focus then I will need a new focus.

I don’t work outside the home. I have been fortunate enough to stay home to raise our children. The youngest goes to college next year and we will be alone together. One of the main reasons I even started this at all was my fear of getting to this point and not having any relationship with him. I can’t live like that. I won’t live like that. I could get a job but really after all this time I’m not sure what that would even be. I like the freedom and have really been looking forward to the time that I can travel with him and spend more time together. If we are not relating then that may need to change. I don’t know.

At about the same time as all this he had some pretty extensive travel planned and so we took some time. Time for each of us to think, really think about what we wanted. Let me tell you I was all over the place. Some days I just wanted to call the whole thing off. Some days I wanted to go full steam ahead. Some days I didn’t really know what I wanted.

A few girlfriends helped me talk through some things and really helped. Ultimately I did what I always do and wrote my thoughts down. What I came up with was this.

I want this and I want this completely. I am tired of going slow. I am tired of having training wheels on. I am tired of waiting and thinking and considering. I want deciding and I want direction and I want control. I want his rules and I want his punishments. The problem is that, even before our break, there was not nearly enough doing and far too much thinking.

When things are going well here we are acting in a dynamic that is very heavy on Dominance and submission. I have for quite some time, told him of my desire for him to be my Dominant. He knows this. He knows that when he provides standards for me to follow, I feel safe. What would appear to those outside this lifestyle as controlling and overbearing, appear to me as love and attention. The problem is that even before all this the doing was not always there

And so I gave him what amounts to an ultimatum. We need to do this or not. He either needs to step up and be the Dominant that I am asking him to be all the time or be man enough to admit that this lifestyle isn’t for him. I’m tired of the wishy washy. That doesn’t mean we would split up or anything but it does mean we would have to find a new way to relate with all that entails.

Toward the end of our time apart I went back to doing the things that he asks me to do that make me feel him and my submissiveness. I made sure that the tasks that are important to him were done and done well so his homecoming was good. He noticed. Even though I was giving him an ultimatum of sorts I did not want our discussion to be confrontational. It was important that we talk about everything in a level headed manner and so providing a calm, organized space was an outward way of doing this for him.

We really didn’t talk a whole lot during those trips, saving up the conversation for when he returned. We talked, he read my journal and we talked. A lot. Happily, even before I said anything to him about how I felt he essentially said the same things to me. I was so relieved. He knows that I want and need a heightened level of attention from him and he intends to do that.

So far so good. After being so far apart for over a month coming back together with one direction felt amazing. So connected.

It really hasn’t been very long so I can’t say for sure that it will work long term but so far so good. I’ll keep you posted.

What I think we both learned in a very concrete way was that we are better together and on the same team. It was really lonely without him. And I know he was lost as well. Maybe it was what we needed. I think he saw how much easier he has things when I am centered on him. I like my focus there and now he appreciates it more than ever.

If it helped us to learn and grow then it will have been worth it. I’ll keep you informed.

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Submission Soapbox

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Submission is something I have been thinking a lot about the past few weeks. I love it and I crave it. More than anything I want to serve, please and obey. It makes me feel safe and loved when he is in control.

But it is my choice. It is something that the two of us have decided together. We have chosen this lifestyle, not because his gender makes him superior in any way to mine but because it makes us happy to do so. That is a huge and important distinction.

I submit not because he is male and therefore has some right to my submission or because God or some religion says so, but because giving this level of devotion feels more right than anything I have ever done. I give it. I choose it and I am thankful every day that he accepts it and nurtures my submission with his dominance.

My submission doesn’t diminish my power as a woman but enhances it because it is freely given. For so much of our past submission was something that was expected of women. They were to submit to their husbands no matter what. That is not at all how I see us. I do want to submit but only because I give him that gift; not because of society, or religion or even because he tells me to. There is freedom in my submission because I give it freely.

I come to him willingly and with much thought. The point is not to be a simple submissive wife but to be a partner who truly cares for and does everything possible to make his life and therefore our life happy, peaceful, loving and secure. By providing a nurturing place to come home to I make both our lives easier and more comfortable.

It is all so conscious. I don’t do it out of duty or obligation but out of joy.

For reasons I can’t go into, there has been a lot of discussion in our vanilla life recently about men and women and their roles in life and in marriage. Language and thinking much more representative of the 1950s where women were expected to blindly submit and obey because of their gender has been debated and argued often in ugly ways.

I stand now and forever here to defend a woman’s right to choose her path as a fully equal and important partner in life, marriage, career, the bedroom, anything really. Gender does not determine superiority.

I choose submission. I choose this lifestyle. Ultimately I have the power to give or not give my submission. My husband is the leader in our house, not because he is somehow ordained into that position because he is male or because some religion says so but because we, together decided that we wanted a Dominant/submissive lifestyle. It makes us happy and brings us joy precisely because of that freedom of choice. Nobody, including him, can make me do this and for anyone to suggest to my daughters that they “have” to do this because they are female is abhorrent to me.

I truly don’t know how I would explain any of this to them. They are now and will forever be equal to any man and honestly superior to most. It seems incongruous even to me to be shouting both for and against submission but that is where I am. I think ultimately it comes back to choice. I choose to submit and I choose to be equal. I choose to defend my right to submit and their right not to.

This has been such a strange time and it has caused me to really take a strong look at what we are doing and the reasons and motivations behind it. I would hate for my girls to see either of us as hypocritical because we choose to live like this. But there is that word again. Choose. Choice.

I find joy in my submission and I just hope that they could come to understand that and not judge either of us too harshly.

Stepping off my soapbox now.

Have You Met Me?

Last weekend we spent a lovely weekend practicing being empty nesters. Privacy, solitude, spanking, playtime, dinner out, Dominance and submission. Toward the end of the weekend I asked him that. 

Have you met me?

It was Sunday night. He told me that he wanted coffee and banana muffins made by 7:15 the next morning. It was President’s Day the next day and we were kid free so it was a day I could sleep in a bit.

He knows how much I like to sleep in the morning and so I think he was not surprised when I complained.

But then I didn’t just complain. I told him no. And I asked if he had met me implying that he knew I would hate that. He gave in. He let me tell him no and let me sleep.

Here’s the thing. I have thought a lot about it since. Part of me is really happy and thankful for his giving in but a bigger part of me is disappointed.

Have you met me?

Not such an easy question as I might have thought?

The me before we started all of this, and still a big part of me, hates mornings and does everything she can to avoid them. But then there is the me that truly wants, needs and desperately desires to feel his Dominance and my own submission.

The me that is and wants to do her own thing really wrestles sometimes with the me that wants his leadership and control.

There is the me that struggles with herself to accept this need to submit. There is the me that wants to take his direction and yet worries that I shouldn’t feel this way.

And honestly there is a me that pushes and tests to see where the walls are, what the boundaries are and if he cares and will enforce them. What will he do if I tell him no? What will his reaction be? Will he call me out for my disobedience or will he give in?

Such a struggle sometimes. So yes not such an easy question.

He has met me but I have changed. We have changed.

I guess what I am telling him is don’t be afraid to trust that this is real and to push his authority and demand my compliance.  What I am saying is that if he asks something of me, if he decide he wants something that he expect my compliance, expect my obedience.  He should expect my submission. I don’t feel like I did a very good job of it Sunday night or Monday morning.

I’m not going to promise that I am not going to grumble or complain when he asks me to do things I don’t want to do. The internal struggle will continue. But I am working so the me that wants to submit is more prevalent than the me that wants her own way.

Have you met me?

I am a mess sometimes and confuse even myself so I understand that this can and often is confusing for him. But just as I test his willingness to enforce things I understand that sometimes he will test me by asking me to do things I don’t really want to do like getting up early when I don’t otherwise have to or alternately setting a bedtime so that getting up is easier. I won’t always understand or agree with what he tells me to do. Submission is hard.

That’s ok. I trust him and his leadership and where he will take us. He pushes. I pull and hopefully sooner or later we find we are working together smoothly.

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More Mindful

The new year has come and gone and even though I am very late the first thing I want to do is wish you all a fabulous 2014. While we can never see the future I feel very positive going into this year and hope that it is our best yet.

The holidays here were nice. Mostly slow and relaxing which is the best kind to me. My kids were home which is always wonderful  but man does it put a crimp in our Dd style. Don’t get me wrong. The basics remain but just like the summer pretty much all spanking, for fun or more serious reasons goes away.

I think one of the reasons I know I want this lifestyle so much is how much I miss it when it is curtailed. It is funny really. Because we have these prolonged periods of time where we have to interact without the full resources of Dd we are generally pretty good at maintaining our roles without them. It just isn’t as much fun. And it isn’t easy.

Toward the end of our kid imposed hiatus I could feel myself pulling away and generally not being as open to him as usual both physically and emotionally. Just when I thought maybe I didn’t need the connection that spanking gives as much as I used to I found myself  starting to spiral.

Even after two years I still find it amazing sometimes how much I both want and need that connection.

Anyway last weekend my youngest and I took my oldest back to school and spent a fantastic few days seeing shows and eating good food and generally I just enjoyed my girls.

Well this week has been all about the two of us reconnecting and I am happy to say that it has gone pretty well. We started on Tuesday with a long hard reconnection spanking that we both really needed. He then left for a few days but checked in quite a few times so we kept feeling close. We talked this weekend about taking our dynamic in even more of a D/s direction. I’m not sure I really can define how I see the difference between Dd and D/s except for us I think it is and will be more mindful and more deliberate.  In many ways it will be exactly the same because  what we do has always extended beyond the bedroom and into our everyday lives. But in addition to being my husband and HoH, he has agreed to be my Dominant. I have agreed to be his wife, tih, and his submissive. I’m not saying anything new but his Dominance feeds my submission. The more dominance he shows the more I want to give him my submission.

It feels a bit like a new beginning. Here’s hoping!

So on a lighter note… I hope this makes you smile. It did me. It’s supposed to be from a hotel in Amsterdam.

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Freedom

He just came in and pointed to the bedroom. I knew. I knew that I had broken his rules about his car and it was deserved. It was a quick, sharp reminder to follow the rules. He said if I do it again it will be double. I believe him.

So why do I find myself sitting here with a stingy behind and a smile on my face? It seems such contradiction but it’s true.

When I think about it though I know why.

I like our rules. I like knowing what is important to him and when he is decisive and immediate in enforcing them I know he takes this all seriously.

We spent much of the summer in what I called Dd light. Little privacy meant little ability to enforce our rules. Now that things are back to a more predictable schedule we have both agreed that things that were allowed to slide will not be anymore and that he expects a higher level of compliance. We both welcome this change.

Here’s the thing. Rather than feeling limiting, our rules, our structure give me freedom. I know many would not understand that but it is how I feel. We all have choices to make throughout our day and far too often it is the easy choice that gets made instead of the right choice.

When he makes rules I trust that he has my best interests at heart. He will not always get it right and neither will I but with love and sincere intention we will make progress. If I then disobey him and he provides consequences that builds my trust in him.

When he makes a decision he is taking the decision away from me by making it for me. For example, I don’t have to think about whether or not to exercise because he has already made that choice for me. If I make a different choice then I know he will deal with it. If he really imposes certain rules and behaviors he frees me up to not think about whether to do it or not. By following his will I am “free” to ignore the excuses in my own mind about exercise. Rather than being limiting, when done with care, and love and intention, this is incredibly liberating.

If I know that he means what he says then I am free to give in to his will and give him my submission. If I can trust his Dominance I can really explore my submission. His Dominance allows me to give that to him and grow in my submission.

Because we have this agreement I am “free”  to be always open to him even when I am tired and might not otherwise want to. Many would scoff at the idea of never being “allowed” to say no. For me though it “allows” me to truly show him how important he is to me.

I can submit to things in and out of the bedroom that I might not have been willing to try before because I know he expects it. There is such freedom for me in that.

That is a really important point I think and one the two of us at least had not discussed very much until now. I feel freedom in my submission.

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Turning Point – Part 2

The first part of this is here.

By the time I was finished with the letter it was after 5AM but I still could’t sleep. Alex came and found me about 6:30 and brought me back to bed.

I told him that I hadn’t really slept and that I was kind of done. He felt terrible that he had ruined our evening and had made me feel so upset. The flood gates opened and I just lay in bed and cried and cried. I couldn’t even show him the letter because I was too emotional. So he tucked me in and told me to sleep and he would read it and we would talk after I woke up.

I listened and let myself sleep for a few hours. That was good. When I woke up we talked and I showed him the letter.

Lately I have not been writing on this blog much because I have been writing for him on our private blog. I have been exploring my submission and what that might mean for us. I have often been very specific with him about what I find attractive and sexy so he is not having to read my mind. He always says the right things but I don’t always get follow through.

I think what happened to me all of the sudden Friday night is I became scared that that was all it was going to be; him saying the right things. What I want and wanted was the action behind the words. I suddenly became scared that he couldn’t give me action and if that were the case I needed to back off and back down from what I was doing and expecting. But he had to know that would mean big changes for us and ttwd.

Here is the letter I wrote:

I don’t know if you are capable of giving me what i am asking you to give.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh or blunt but that is the truth.

They say that submission is a gift and that is what I am offering you. The gift of my submission. If you are going to accept that gift you HAVE TO TAKE AN ACTIVE ROLE IN ALL OF THIS AND TAKE THE LEAD!

We have been doing this now for almost 1 1/2 years. We have a written agreement and written rules. I am not playing games here. This is not a passing fad for me. This is not something that I want to see disappear out of our lives.

I keep writing things in our private journal that lay my heart and desires out on my sleeve. I feel like I have been completely open with you about what I want and I feel like I try really hard to live up to my end of the bargain. I need you to live up to yours.

I really do try to follow the rules. I self report anytime I feel like I have broken a rule because they are our agreement. They say to me at least that there is a standard of behavior that is expected and that you find these particular things to be important enough to actually punish for if they are not followed.

If that is the case, then you have to be willing to do that and you have to punish.

It is not the spankings that I am asking for here. It is the accountability. It is the action from you that it would take if you were to enforce them. It is the attention that is required from you if you are enforcing them.

You can’t discipline if you are not paying attention and are not actively engaged in our dynamic. It is active and it does take work but I hope that what I am offering in return more than makes up for that effort.

In the year and a half since we started I don’t feel like you have ever really punished for anything other than things I brought to you. If we have done a specific punishment spanking it has been because of that. I feel like I self monitor and self report and so it often feels one sided.

This is all very mental for me. I spend probably too much time thinking about all of this and presenting things to you and trying to get you involved. You seem to be interested and to want many of the same things. We seem to find many of the same kinds of things exciting and attractive. But then when you are given the night to pretty much do whatever you want to with me you don’t take advantage of it and I am left feeling vulnerable.

This journey has led me places within myself that I never really acknowledged or wanted to admit were there but like it or not they are.

I am a submissive. I want to please you. It makes me happy when I do. It gives me real pleasure when I know that I have done a good job for you. I truly want to do things and stucture my day and my actions so that the end result is that I make your life easier and more productive.

I love you. I respect you and I am devoted to you. We have the life we have because of you.

It is truly important to me that I offer my body up to you for your pleasure. I honor that and do that for you. I give that to you.

It truly has become important to me to make sure that I keep the house to a standard that will make you proud of my efforts and make your stress levels lower when you walk through the door. You know I have not always been the best housekeeper but I take satisfaction from the act of cleaning now because I know it is important to you. It makes you calmer and makes you less stressed and so I see it as a real act of devotion.

All of this is what I am offering to you and sending in your direction but it can’t just go in one direction. You have to give me things back in return.

I need to feel your dominance. I need you to take control and be in control. I need you to lead.

I need you to plan out our nights together, be in control and be in command. I need you to take the opportunities we have when we are alone and not waste them. I want to feel that when you can, you take full advantage of making sure I know that you are there and leading and steering us where you want us to go.

I want to know that what I do for you has value to you and that you cherish it and me. I need to know that you are capable of this.

Maybe you are not. Maybe you just are not going to be comfortable and confident enough to take command. I would be very sad if that were the case but I feel like we have reached a turning point. I can’t keep putting in so much effort if I feel like I am not getting the effort returned. This is an incredibly active lifestyle. It demands attention from you to see me and my behavior. It demands that you keep an active eye on our household and it’s issues so you can make the best decisions about what is happening around you. I can make those decisions on my own but I don’t want to.

It is a lot of responsibility I realize that. If that is not something you want to take on then we can stop doing this. That would make me really sad but at some point I think you need to decide if you are really in this or not.

I am in. I want to be, not just your wive, but your submissive wive. That is a kind of huge difference. I am offering myself up to you and for you.

It is time for you to decide what you want to do with that gift.

Please know that at no time was I ever questioning our marriage, his overall commitment to me or our commitment to ourselves.

What I questioned was his ability and desire to do ttwd and to have a Dd marriage. I was questioning whether Dominance and submission would and should be part of our lives. I was questioning whether the “nice guy” I married would ever really be able to do what he needs to make this work.

He read the letter and we talked. I think for the first time in a long time he really got it but I asked him to take some time and really think about everything. We had become very comfortable in the routine we had established and it was time for a bit of a shake up. Essentially we suspended ttwd for the weekend while we digested and came to terms with what had happened.

So where are we now? We are in a much better place. He understands where I am coming from and why I feel like I do. He knows if he is going to lead that means he needs to be much more engaged. To continue then he needs to be as committed to this as I am. He is going to be more aware of his mindset so when he comes through the door he is better prepared to engage with me and leave work and those demands there. We are going to remain a Dd couple and he has recommitted to me and to us and has already stepped up in some new ways. When I find myself chaffing under this new diligence I know you will all remind me that I am the one who asked for this and forced this new level of commitment. 🙂

It’s funny. I think many of my concerns were there for a while but I didn’t want to acknowledge them and it took a crisis to bring them all to the surface. Maybe we needed to reach this turning point to grow. I want to run and weekends like this show me that in many ways we are still taking baby steps. I want to do this for the long hall and this helped us.

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I never really doubted his commitment to me. I know he cherishes me and us but it is nice to hear him reiterate it. In the end I hope I can look back on this weekend and truly see it as a turning point, one where we both took up Dd with renewed commitment.

Turning Point – Part 1

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This lifestyle is full of expectations.

He expects me to follow our rules. I expect him to notice and act on what he sees, good or bad.

He expects my submission and I expect his dominance and leadership.

We both expect a high level of communication.

The problem comes when our expectations are not met. That is exactly what happened to us on Friday.

Before Alex even got home last week we were both stressed. He had spent Thursday out of town in several high level and potentially high stakes meetings. Several things have not gone as we would like at work lately and the stress of those meetings was intense.

He is pretty much always the smartest guy in the room and knows his segment of his market as well as anyone in the country. He never ceases to amaze me how he can talk to someone and spout incredibly technical details as if he were reading from a screen but he is doing it from memory. He knows his job inside and out and does it very well. I am very proud of him.

Something I don’t think he fully realizes is how strongly I feel the frustrations he feels at work as well. His success is my success. If he is slighted I feel that too. And if the meetings he had were not satisfactory we could be looking at any manner of changes moving forward.

Every time he talked to me on Thursday I got off the phone and cried. I listened to music and cried. Pretty much anything could set me off. I was kind of an emotional basket case.

The gist of the meetings Thursday was that he felt much better at the end than the beginning; not fully happy with how things have played out but better.

Anyway the reason I am telling you all this is by Friday when he came home I really needed him. Of course I hadn’t actually told him any of this. The crying was after our calls. That is the first part.

The second part is that our daughter was gone on an overnight trip with school Friday and Friday night so we were completely alone for many hours. This was significant for many reasons not the least being that I went to pick up the first of our two college kids for the summer yesterday and the other will be home next week. We will suddenly have a house full of young adults who come and go and fall asleep at all hours of the day and night. This was our last really good night of extended alone time for quite awhile and I didn’t want to waste it. My expectations were high.

Let’s just say that the evening didn’t go as I had hoped at all. We had a nice connection when he first got home but then he had some calls to make and I did some outdoor work.

I made his favorite sandwich for dinner and took special care to make the meal visually appealing as well as delicious. I was in full service mode and feeling pretty happy.

The problems started after dinner when he moved over to one of the chairs and picked up his work computer and started doing work. He stayed that way for quite awhile and I eventually asked him if he had a plan for the night and he just looked at me real noncommittally and said not really.

Long story short I melted down about everything. Him doing work. Him wasting the evening. How stressed I was and had been the day before. But mostly about how I felt like I was sending submission his way and not getting his leadership in return. Many doubts and concerns came tumbling out some I’m not even sure I realized were there and so close to the surface.

He did try spanking a little but honestly at that point it felt like he was humoring me more than asserting his leadership and it wasn’t working. Then our daughter called in the middle to say goodnight and that was pretty much the end of it.

We watched some TV and then just rolled over to try to sleep. That was pretty much impossible for me. I was too upset.

I was really devastated and it was bigger than a lost evening. I realized that it all felt way too one sided for me. I felt too much like I was sending all this energy to him but that energy wasn’t being returned.

At his core he is a nice guy and a really good person. That is why I love him but as a nice guy he has and still does struggle with dominance and that part of this lifestyle that sometimes requires him to call me out and assert himself. Pretty much all the punishments we have done are because I self reported on breaking a rule. He is still not good at or comfortable with pointing out things himself and then acting on them. And I suddenly realized that I was terrified that wasn’t going to change and we couldn’t keep doing this as we were.

At 4 AM I got up and wrote him a letter about us, my submission and his dominance and Dd. I couldn’t sleep until I got what I was feeling written down. I essentially withdrew consent until he could do some real soul searching and assure me that Dd and all that means was something he could truly commit to.

I’ve never done a 2-part post but it was that kind of weekend I guess. If I kept on here this post would get really long. Tomorrow I will post a portion of the letter I wrote and fill you in on how this all turned out.

Trying To Figure It Out

Usually when we spank it is for maintenance with a little bit of paintenance thrown in to address whatever needs to be addressed. Sometimes it is pretty light and playful, sometimes it is long and hard. Most of the time it ends up being what I need and we both feel better.

But what if I don’t know what I need or I just don’t feel better? I have felt like he didn’t spank enough before but that was not the case yesterday. It was probably the hardest we have done and yet when it was over I was nowhere near my happy, cuddly, submissive place. It is not that he didn’t spank hard enough or long enough this time. It is that I was walled up and I’m not sure any amount of spanking was going to change that. I was grumpy when he was done but not really at him. Just grumpy. I have never really come out of a spanking and felt that way. I wanted him to stop and I didn’t want to try again.

The tone of the session is very important and it was off for me. Even though the session was hard the mood was not very serious. He didn’t really lecture much and tried to joke around some. The spanking was serious and the tone more playful. Maybe that was it. They didn’t match. I don’t know.

I don’t want to criticize how he does things. They are his decisions to make. I need to let go of the thoughts in my head that question whether he spanks or not and how he spanks. I need to stop second guessing and thinking “If I were HoH I would…” There was definitely some of that going on in my head and I think that was the bigger issue with my grumpiness. But it is not my decision to make. I know that but that is so hard.

There are times especially with behavior, or sass, or grumpiness that I know I would not let me get away with something and I don’t think from what I read other HoH’s would either. It is then that I question and wonder. Why does he let me behave like that? How do I get to a place where  I accept his decision gracefully in my heart and head?

Elysia had a post called His Decision yesterday that really spoke to me. We had just finished and I as trying to process how I felt and her post really moved my thinking to a new place.

In her post she said, “Just because there is no action does not mean that there was no effort to make the decision.” Wow what a thought. That is something I don’t think I ever really appreciated or considered. No action does not equal no decision. He chooses how he reacts or doesn’t and if I trust him to be the leader of our home I have to trust that is what he is doing; leading and choosing not to act.

That will be a good thing to talk with him about. I bet that is what he will say he is doing. Maybe I need him to do a better job of communicating that to me directly at least for awhile. Maybe I need him to acknowledge  my bad behavior  directly so I know he noticed. I don’t need or want punishment all the time but knowing that he notices would help.

Also in her post she said “I need to be able to accept Henry’s decisions about discipline in my actions but also in my heart and in my head.” That is exactly it! I need to learn to do this. If I have truly given him the power to discipline than I have to accept that I have also given him the power to not discipline or to discipline in whatever way he chooses.

life begins

Outward submission has gotten easier for me. Follow the rules.Do what I need to do. Take care of what needs to be taken care of. Even be respectful and keep my attitude in check most of the time. But when the sassy demon comes out and he doesn’t react I wonder. I still can’t help second guessing and I battle with my thoughts. It is the inner battles that I need to learn to let go of, the second guessing, the disappointment when things don’t go like I think they should or how I would do them. Those are not my decisions to make and that part for me is hard and will take some real work. I need to trust that he has a reason behind his decisions and that he is in fact actively in control. There are so many layers to submitting and learning to submit.

I think practicing “self talk” as Elysia says is something I need to do more of and it will help me get there. I need to stop the talk I do in my head that wonders and questions and “talk” myself into trusting and believing in my heart and head in his actions, in his decisions and in his leadership.

Take Your Medicine

Take your Medicine:

It’s an idiom meaning you accept the consequences of something you have done wrong. You accept your punishment.

When we are sick we often have to do things that are not pleasant at the time but in the end make us feel better and help us to heal. Cough medicine often tastes terrible. Shots that deliver vaccines or healing drugs hurt and no one really likes getting them. But we do it because we know that the benefits of taking the shot or that nasty tasting liquid outweigh whatever temporary discomfort they may bring.

I have been thinking about Dd like this, especially the punishments. Even as a spanko I do not enjoy a true punishment spanking. It is a bit like medicine. Spankings hurt. It is hard sometimes to stay in position and accept a hard spanking. It is hard to know that I have disappointed him and to hear him lecture and tell me so. And I think it is hard for him to do those things as well.

We do them anyway because we know that we are a stronger and better couple because of it. We know we are better with Dd than without.

Knowing all of that doesn’t make it easy though.

When we first started Dd and he started to set up rules for our household there was one thing that happened occasionally around here that absolutely drove him crazy. Every once in awhile the garage door would get left up either at night or when no one was at home and we all know that is not safe at all. It didn’t happen often but when it did it was almost always my fault and so that became one of our first rules. The garage door is to be down all the time and it is my responsibility to make sure that it is. No excuses. No passes. If there is something that I know he will punish for absolutely, it is that. It didn’t take long for me to get the message and I had not been punished for this for many months.

The thing about this rule is that most of the time if I mess up he doesn’t know it. He’s gone a lot so if I slip up it is me who discovers the error. He would never know that I left the door up accidentally when I ran to the store unless I confessed it to him. If I kept my mouth shut I would not have to “take my medicine.”

Last Friday I did leave the door up just like I described. I ran out to the store and when I got back there it was. The door up and no one home. My stomach just sank. He had been gone all week and I had gotten a lot accomplished. I was feeling good about everything and had done nothing in a while to earn a punishment so when I saw the door up I wasn’t happy. I knew this meant that his homecoming was going to have to include something that neither of us really like to do.

The idea of not telling him flitted through my head for a moment. If I didn’t tell he wouldn’t know. But I knew I just couldn’t do that. I had to tell. I had to because not telling would eat away at our agreement and would undermine what we are trying to do. I knew he would spank but I knew that I had to face it and accept it if I was going to be true to this and to us.

He came home and we reconnected with a fun, playful spanking and then when we were snuggling together I confessed.  His reaction was exactly like I thought it would be. Disappointed and resolute. We both knew what it meant. Because of timing he didn’t punish me until Saturday but punish me he did. Not fun or easy but over and done with.

We talked about it later and I asked him about confessing to something that he really would never find out about otherwise. I know I would feel badly knowing that I had done something that I had not confessed but what did he think about it given that he then had to shift his thinking and actions to something that he wasn’t expecting or probably wanted to have to do. I loved his answer. He said that when I have the courage and integrity to confess it shows him how seriously I take this and makes him even more committed to following through on his end. He knows it isn’t easy to tell him something that I know will mean a real punishment spanking but he said he respects me all the more because I do. The medicine brings healing to us both.

So…

That all is great and I was and am feeling all warm and fuzzy about how things turned out on the weekend. Dd in action, working and bringing us together.

Alex is away on a business trip again,  but this time (and this almost never happens) he is away at a fun place and the kids are all sorted out so I get to join him! I leave tomorrow and will spend 5 days laying on a beach and spending some quality time just the two of us (when he isn’t at his conference during the day.) We’re both so excited. Some play time. Some relaxing time. And unfortunately now probably some punishment time.

Can’t believe it. Can’t imagine I did it. I’m really kind of incredulous but when we got home last night after a school function with my daughter and I pulled into the driveway and the garage door was up. My neighbor had been walking behind the car as I was pulling out and I was trying not to hit him and I guess I was distracted and didn’t shut the door. Again.

It felt like a mixture between…

and…

I haven’t done this in months and now twice in four days! Not good. So not good. He doesn’t even know yet. He will find out when I read him this post later today. I just can’t not tell him, no matter the consequences. It will almost certainly be worse than the first punishment because he is having to repeat it and so soon after. I don’t want him to have to punish while we are away but I couldn’t do that to him. Heavy sigh. Heavy sigh.

I have been planning this post since early in the weekend and in fact the first part was written before I left the door up last night. I never expected to have to end it like this but maybe that’s appropriate. I didn’t think I would be talking about taking my medicine and the healing it brings in such an immediate way but there you go. It will be yucky and painful but I will feel so much better and all healed after.

Sun, sand, and spanking. Quite a combination.

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