New Year Old Us

I’m writing again. I’m writing again. If I say it and do it enough I hope it will be an “I think I can! I think I can!” and then an “I knew I could! I knew I could!” kind of thing.

Anyway, like I said before, hello. It feels good to typing again.

Let me tell you a little about the me of 2016. I’m still here and I would love to say that we are going great gangbusters in our Dominance and submission but you know this is about being true and frankly our dynamic is a bit lacking lately. For reasons mostly having to do with privacy and time we have been pretty vanilla of late.

I wish I didn’t need his Dominance so much. I wish I could give him submission all the time and at the same level as I want to even when we are vanilla and busy and I’m not getting Dominance from him. I have thought so much about this. I want to do things for other people. I want to make other’s lives easier especially for my family and most especially for my husband. When I am open and giving and focused on doing everything I can to smooth the way for him it makes me truly happy.

I don’t know why I am wired this way but I am. It took me a long time to recognize it and a long time to put a name to it but I am a submissive. Not out in the world and not as my public persona at all but in my home and with my husband I want to be his help. He does so much for me and for our family. I hope I have said this before, but I will say it now. He truly is the best man I know. He deserves my devotion. He deserves my best.

I wish I were strong enough to always give it but I do need his help to allow that submissive side to come out, and more importantly, to stay out.

I need him. I need to feel his presence. I need to feel structure and walls and limits. I so like the safety I feel in rules. I like knowing where the line is and that he is watching. I like the visibility of rules. And while I don’t like punishments themselves I do need punishment.

I have thought so much about this and I think that is really what it boils down to for me. In order to punish someone you must care. It is a very active thing. You have to set the boundaries, pay attention to the behavior and then actively get involved by taking action when punishing.

You cannot be passive and punish.

For me it is not so much about the spanking itself but about the time, attention, effort, resolve, and commitment that he must demonstrate in order to punish. And it doesn’t have to be spanking. It can be time out, corner time, lines, really anything he comes up with. The point is for me, that he took the time to notice and then had the fortitude to impose himself on me.

As I write this I feel my grown woman modern self cringing. In many ways I don’t know that I will ever loose that struggle of wanting this kind of discipline and attention even in our modern world. I know it is not PC, but that doesn’t diminish this want and need in me.

So I will say it again. I want and need his rules and more importantly his punishments. I want and need his rules and MOST IMPORTANTLY his punishments. I don’t think I have a spanking kink as much as I have a punishment kink.

The problem for me and for us comes in that implementation. Even after 4 years of this we are at different levels. I want and need this so much more than him. I just do. So there’s the struggle. There are so many times that I would punish me if I were in charge. I would not put up with some of the things I do and definitely some of the things I say and how I say them. When I start to feel like that my submission and my doing things for him with a happy and humble heart really diminish. I wish I could say I was stronger than that but I can’t. I need to feel him actively participating. It is a constant struggle.

Anyway, I think that might be a good start for writing again. Admitting your issues is always a big start I hope.

I need his attention and for me that means punishments. I will show him this latter. It is nothing he hasn’t heard before but maybe it will stick this time.

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And Now For The Update

First I want to thank all of you who commented on my last LOL post. It means more than I can say that there is anyone still reading after all the time I have spent away from the blog. Thank you all!

I never planned to stay away for any length of time. You know how it goes. First it was summer with all the challenges that brings. Extra kids. Extra eyes and ears means less privacy and a lesser dynamic. Then school started again and we were more active but I feel like I have written the “We are starting again” post more than once and so didn’t feel there was much new to say. It felt like we were doing well, kind of chugging along.

And then it just stopped. Well that’s not exactly right. He just kind of stopped. We were doing submission exercises and he was checking in on me and doing maintenance pretty regularly and then it just stopped.

I was confused and concerned. He had experienced a pretty significant disappointment at work and I know it bothered him and shook his confidence and I now know that was the trigger. I tried to be patient and wait it out but after almost three weeks I couldn’t any longer and confronted him.

All the specifics are not that important but ultimately he said he wanted us to take a break. I was completely devastated. How could he want a break? What did that even look or feel like? You have to go back many, many years to find a point that we were relating well on a vanilla basis. It was spanking and that exchange of power which put us on a path of healing what was broken and I truly didn’t and frankly don’t have a good picture in my head of how we would relate without it.

After three years in this lifestyle I am a firm believer in a leader for the family, someone who has the ultimate power to decide things for the good of the family. But it goes beyond that for me. There are SO many times I consciously ask for his approval or make a decision myself based on what I think he would prefer. I’m not sure he even really appreciates the depths of this from me. But it is conscious for me. If we are not going to live in this dynamic then I think I could get a lot more selfish in my decisions. Does that make sense? If he doesn’t want my focus then I will need a new focus.

I don’t work outside the home. I have been fortunate enough to stay home to raise our children. The youngest goes to college next year and we will be alone together. One of the main reasons I even started this at all was my fear of getting to this point and not having any relationship with him. I can’t live like that. I won’t live like that. I could get a job but really after all this time I’m not sure what that would even be. I like the freedom and have really been looking forward to the time that I can travel with him and spend more time together. If we are not relating then that may need to change. I don’t know.

At about the same time as all this he had some pretty extensive travel planned and so we took some time. Time for each of us to think, really think about what we wanted. Let me tell you I was all over the place. Some days I just wanted to call the whole thing off. Some days I wanted to go full steam ahead. Some days I didn’t really know what I wanted.

A few girlfriends helped me talk through some things and really helped. Ultimately I did what I always do and wrote my thoughts down. What I came up with was this.

I want this and I want this completely. I am tired of going slow. I am tired of having training wheels on. I am tired of waiting and thinking and considering. I want deciding and I want direction and I want control. I want his rules and I want his punishments. The problem is that, even before our break, there was not nearly enough doing and far too much thinking.

When things are going well here we are acting in a dynamic that is very heavy on Dominance and submission. I have for quite some time, told him of my desire for him to be my Dominant. He knows this. He knows that when he provides standards for me to follow, I feel safe. What would appear to those outside this lifestyle as controlling and overbearing, appear to me as love and attention. The problem is that even before all this the doing was not always there

And so I gave him what amounts to an ultimatum. We need to do this or not. He either needs to step up and be the Dominant that I am asking him to be all the time or be man enough to admit that this lifestyle isn’t for him. I’m tired of the wishy washy. That doesn’t mean we would split up or anything but it does mean we would have to find a new way to relate with all that entails.

Toward the end of our time apart I went back to doing the things that he asks me to do that make me feel him and my submissiveness. I made sure that the tasks that are important to him were done and done well so his homecoming was good. He noticed. Even though I was giving him an ultimatum of sorts I did not want our discussion to be confrontational. It was important that we talk about everything in a level headed manner and so providing a calm, organized space was an outward way of doing this for him.

We really didn’t talk a whole lot during those trips, saving up the conversation for when he returned. We talked, he read my journal and we talked. A lot. Happily, even before I said anything to him about how I felt he essentially said the same things to me. I was so relieved. He knows that I want and need a heightened level of attention from him and he intends to do that.

So far so good. After being so far apart for over a month coming back together with one direction felt amazing. So connected.

It really hasn’t been very long so I can’t say for sure that it will work long term but so far so good. I’ll keep you posted.

What I think we both learned in a very concrete way was that we are better together and on the same team. It was really lonely without him. And I know he was lost as well. Maybe it was what we needed. I think he saw how much easier he has things when I am centered on him. I like my focus there and now he appreciates it more than ever.

If it helped us to learn and grow then it will have been worth it. I’ll keep you informed.

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Submission Soapbox

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Submission is something I have been thinking a lot about the past few weeks. I love it and I crave it. More than anything I want to serve, please and obey. It makes me feel safe and loved when he is in control.

But it is my choice. It is something that the two of us have decided together. We have chosen this lifestyle, not because his gender makes him superior in any way to mine but because it makes us happy to do so. That is a huge and important distinction.

I submit not because he is male and therefore has some right to my submission or because God or some religion says so, but because giving this level of devotion feels more right than anything I have ever done. I give it. I choose it and I am thankful every day that he accepts it and nurtures my submission with his dominance.

My submission doesn’t diminish my power as a woman but enhances it because it is freely given. For so much of our past submission was something that was expected of women. They were to submit to their husbands no matter what. That is not at all how I see us. I do want to submit but only because I give him that gift; not because of society, or religion or even because he tells me to. There is freedom in my submission because I give it freely.

I come to him willingly and with much thought. The point is not to be a simple submissive wife but to be a partner who truly cares for and does everything possible to make his life and therefore our life happy, peaceful, loving and secure. By providing a nurturing place to come home to I make both our lives easier and more comfortable.

It is all so conscious. I don’t do it out of duty or obligation but out of joy.

For reasons I can’t go into, there has been a lot of discussion in our vanilla life recently about men and women and their roles in life and in marriage. Language and thinking much more representative of the 1950s where women were expected to blindly submit and obey because of their gender has been debated and argued often in ugly ways.

I stand now and forever here to defend a woman’s right to choose her path as a fully equal and important partner in life, marriage, career, the bedroom, anything really. Gender does not determine superiority.

I choose submission. I choose this lifestyle. Ultimately I have the power to give or not give my submission. My husband is the leader in our house, not because he is somehow ordained into that position because he is male or because some religion says so but because we, together decided that we wanted a Dominant/submissive lifestyle. It makes us happy and brings us joy precisely because of that freedom of choice. Nobody, including him, can make me do this and for anyone to suggest to my daughters that they “have” to do this because they are female is abhorrent to me.

I truly don’t know how I would explain any of this to them. They are now and will forever be equal to any man and honestly superior to most. It seems incongruous even to me to be shouting both for and against submission but that is where I am. I think ultimately it comes back to choice. I choose to submit and I choose to be equal. I choose to defend my right to submit and their right not to.

This has been such a strange time and it has caused me to really take a strong look at what we are doing and the reasons and motivations behind it. I would hate for my girls to see either of us as hypocritical because we choose to live like this. But there is that word again. Choose. Choice.

I find joy in my submission and I just hope that they could come to understand that and not judge either of us too harshly.

Stepping off my soapbox now.

Have You Met Me?

Last weekend we spent a lovely weekend practicing being empty nesters. Privacy, solitude, spanking, playtime, dinner out, Dominance and submission. Toward the end of the weekend I asked him that. 

Have you met me?

It was Sunday night. He told me that he wanted coffee and banana muffins made by 7:15 the next morning. It was President’s Day the next day and we were kid free so it was a day I could sleep in a bit.

He knows how much I like to sleep in the morning and so I think he was not surprised when I complained.

But then I didn’t just complain. I told him no. And I asked if he had met me implying that he knew I would hate that. He gave in. He let me tell him no and let me sleep.

Here’s the thing. I have thought a lot about it since. Part of me is really happy and thankful for his giving in but a bigger part of me is disappointed.

Have you met me?

Not such an easy question as I might have thought?

The me before we started all of this, and still a big part of me, hates mornings and does everything she can to avoid them. But then there is the me that truly wants, needs and desperately desires to feel his Dominance and my own submission.

The me that is and wants to do her own thing really wrestles sometimes with the me that wants his leadership and control.

There is the me that struggles with herself to accept this need to submit. There is the me that wants to take his direction and yet worries that I shouldn’t feel this way.

And honestly there is a me that pushes and tests to see where the walls are, what the boundaries are and if he cares and will enforce them. What will he do if I tell him no? What will his reaction be? Will he call me out for my disobedience or will he give in?

Such a struggle sometimes. So yes not such an easy question.

He has met me but I have changed. We have changed.

I guess what I am telling him is don’t be afraid to trust that this is real and to push his authority and demand my compliance.  What I am saying is that if he asks something of me, if he decide he wants something that he expect my compliance, expect my obedience.  He should expect my submission. I don’t feel like I did a very good job of it Sunday night or Monday morning.

I’m not going to promise that I am not going to grumble or complain when he asks me to do things I don’t want to do. The internal struggle will continue. But I am working so the me that wants to submit is more prevalent than the me that wants her own way.

Have you met me?

I am a mess sometimes and confuse even myself so I understand that this can and often is confusing for him. But just as I test his willingness to enforce things I understand that sometimes he will test me by asking me to do things I don’t really want to do like getting up early when I don’t otherwise have to or alternately setting a bedtime so that getting up is easier. I won’t always understand or agree with what he tells me to do. Submission is hard.

That’s ok. I trust him and his leadership and where he will take us. He pushes. I pull and hopefully sooner or later we find we are working together smoothly.

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More Mindful

The new year has come and gone and even though I am very late the first thing I want to do is wish you all a fabulous 2014. While we can never see the future I feel very positive going into this year and hope that it is our best yet.

The holidays here were nice. Mostly slow and relaxing which is the best kind to me. My kids were home which is always wonderful  but man does it put a crimp in our Dd style. Don’t get me wrong. The basics remain but just like the summer pretty much all spanking, for fun or more serious reasons goes away.

I think one of the reasons I know I want this lifestyle so much is how much I miss it when it is curtailed. It is funny really. Because we have these prolonged periods of time where we have to interact without the full resources of Dd we are generally pretty good at maintaining our roles without them. It just isn’t as much fun. And it isn’t easy.

Toward the end of our kid imposed hiatus I could feel myself pulling away and generally not being as open to him as usual both physically and emotionally. Just when I thought maybe I didn’t need the connection that spanking gives as much as I used to I found myself  starting to spiral.

Even after two years I still find it amazing sometimes how much I both want and need that connection.

Anyway last weekend my youngest and I took my oldest back to school and spent a fantastic few days seeing shows and eating good food and generally I just enjoyed my girls.

Well this week has been all about the two of us reconnecting and I am happy to say that it has gone pretty well. We started on Tuesday with a long hard reconnection spanking that we both really needed. He then left for a few days but checked in quite a few times so we kept feeling close. We talked this weekend about taking our dynamic in even more of a D/s direction. I’m not sure I really can define how I see the difference between Dd and D/s except for us I think it is and will be more mindful and more deliberate.  In many ways it will be exactly the same because  what we do has always extended beyond the bedroom and into our everyday lives. But in addition to being my husband and HoH, he has agreed to be my Dominant. I have agreed to be his wife, tih, and his submissive. I’m not saying anything new but his Dominance feeds my submission. The more dominance he shows the more I want to give him my submission.

It feels a bit like a new beginning. Here’s hoping!

So on a lighter note… I hope this makes you smile. It did me. It’s supposed to be from a hotel in Amsterdam.

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Freedom

He just came in and pointed to the bedroom. I knew. I knew that I had broken his rules about his car and it was deserved. It was a quick, sharp reminder to follow the rules. He said if I do it again it will be double. I believe him.

So why do I find myself sitting here with a stingy behind and a smile on my face? It seems such contradiction but it’s true.

When I think about it though I know why.

I like our rules. I like knowing what is important to him and when he is decisive and immediate in enforcing them I know he takes this all seriously.

We spent much of the summer in what I called Dd light. Little privacy meant little ability to enforce our rules. Now that things are back to a more predictable schedule we have both agreed that things that were allowed to slide will not be anymore and that he expects a higher level of compliance. We both welcome this change.

Here’s the thing. Rather than feeling limiting, our rules, our structure give me freedom. I know many would not understand that but it is how I feel. We all have choices to make throughout our day and far too often it is the easy choice that gets made instead of the right choice.

When he makes rules I trust that he has my best interests at heart. He will not always get it right and neither will I but with love and sincere intention we will make progress. If I then disobey him and he provides consequences that builds my trust in him.

When he makes a decision he is taking the decision away from me by making it for me. For example, I don’t have to think about whether or not to exercise because he has already made that choice for me. If I make a different choice then I know he will deal with it. If he really imposes certain rules and behaviors he frees me up to not think about whether to do it or not. By following his will I am “free” to ignore the excuses in my own mind about exercise. Rather than being limiting, when done with care, and love and intention, this is incredibly liberating.

If I know that he means what he says then I am free to give in to his will and give him my submission. If I can trust his Dominance I can really explore my submission. His Dominance allows me to give that to him and grow in my submission.

Because we have this agreement I am “free”  to be always open to him even when I am tired and might not otherwise want to. Many would scoff at the idea of never being “allowed” to say no. For me though it “allows” me to truly show him how important he is to me.

I can submit to things in and out of the bedroom that I might not have been willing to try before because I know he expects it. There is such freedom for me in that.

That is a really important point I think and one the two of us at least had not discussed very much until now. I feel freedom in my submission.

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Turning Point – Part 2

The first part of this is here.

By the time I was finished with the letter it was after 5AM but I still could’t sleep. Alex came and found me about 6:30 and brought me back to bed.

I told him that I hadn’t really slept and that I was kind of done. He felt terrible that he had ruined our evening and had made me feel so upset. The flood gates opened and I just lay in bed and cried and cried. I couldn’t even show him the letter because I was too emotional. So he tucked me in and told me to sleep and he would read it and we would talk after I woke up.

I listened and let myself sleep for a few hours. That was good. When I woke up we talked and I showed him the letter.

Lately I have not been writing on this blog much because I have been writing for him on our private blog. I have been exploring my submission and what that might mean for us. I have often been very specific with him about what I find attractive and sexy so he is not having to read my mind. He always says the right things but I don’t always get follow through.

I think what happened to me all of the sudden Friday night is I became scared that that was all it was going to be; him saying the right things. What I want and wanted was the action behind the words. I suddenly became scared that he couldn’t give me action and if that were the case I needed to back off and back down from what I was doing and expecting. But he had to know that would mean big changes for us and ttwd.

Here is the letter I wrote:

I don’t know if you are capable of giving me what i am asking you to give.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh or blunt but that is the truth.

They say that submission is a gift and that is what I am offering you. The gift of my submission. If you are going to accept that gift you HAVE TO TAKE AN ACTIVE ROLE IN ALL OF THIS AND TAKE THE LEAD!

We have been doing this now for almost 1 1/2 years. We have a written agreement and written rules. I am not playing games here. This is not a passing fad for me. This is not something that I want to see disappear out of our lives.

I keep writing things in our private journal that lay my heart and desires out on my sleeve. I feel like I have been completely open with you about what I want and I feel like I try really hard to live up to my end of the bargain. I need you to live up to yours.

I really do try to follow the rules. I self report anytime I feel like I have broken a rule because they are our agreement. They say to me at least that there is a standard of behavior that is expected and that you find these particular things to be important enough to actually punish for if they are not followed.

If that is the case, then you have to be willing to do that and you have to punish.

It is not the spankings that I am asking for here. It is the accountability. It is the action from you that it would take if you were to enforce them. It is the attention that is required from you if you are enforcing them.

You can’t discipline if you are not paying attention and are not actively engaged in our dynamic. It is active and it does take work but I hope that what I am offering in return more than makes up for that effort.

In the year and a half since we started I don’t feel like you have ever really punished for anything other than things I brought to you. If we have done a specific punishment spanking it has been because of that. I feel like I self monitor and self report and so it often feels one sided.

This is all very mental for me. I spend probably too much time thinking about all of this and presenting things to you and trying to get you involved. You seem to be interested and to want many of the same things. We seem to find many of the same kinds of things exciting and attractive. But then when you are given the night to pretty much do whatever you want to with me you don’t take advantage of it and I am left feeling vulnerable.

This journey has led me places within myself that I never really acknowledged or wanted to admit were there but like it or not they are.

I am a submissive. I want to please you. It makes me happy when I do. It gives me real pleasure when I know that I have done a good job for you. I truly want to do things and stucture my day and my actions so that the end result is that I make your life easier and more productive.

I love you. I respect you and I am devoted to you. We have the life we have because of you.

It is truly important to me that I offer my body up to you for your pleasure. I honor that and do that for you. I give that to you.

It truly has become important to me to make sure that I keep the house to a standard that will make you proud of my efforts and make your stress levels lower when you walk through the door. You know I have not always been the best housekeeper but I take satisfaction from the act of cleaning now because I know it is important to you. It makes you calmer and makes you less stressed and so I see it as a real act of devotion.

All of this is what I am offering to you and sending in your direction but it can’t just go in one direction. You have to give me things back in return.

I need to feel your dominance. I need you to take control and be in control. I need you to lead.

I need you to plan out our nights together, be in control and be in command. I need you to take the opportunities we have when we are alone and not waste them. I want to feel that when you can, you take full advantage of making sure I know that you are there and leading and steering us where you want us to go.

I want to know that what I do for you has value to you and that you cherish it and me. I need to know that you are capable of this.

Maybe you are not. Maybe you just are not going to be comfortable and confident enough to take command. I would be very sad if that were the case but I feel like we have reached a turning point. I can’t keep putting in so much effort if I feel like I am not getting the effort returned. This is an incredibly active lifestyle. It demands attention from you to see me and my behavior. It demands that you keep an active eye on our household and it’s issues so you can make the best decisions about what is happening around you. I can make those decisions on my own but I don’t want to.

It is a lot of responsibility I realize that. If that is not something you want to take on then we can stop doing this. That would make me really sad but at some point I think you need to decide if you are really in this or not.

I am in. I want to be, not just your wive, but your submissive wive. That is a kind of huge difference. I am offering myself up to you and for you.

It is time for you to decide what you want to do with that gift.

Please know that at no time was I ever questioning our marriage, his overall commitment to me or our commitment to ourselves.

What I questioned was his ability and desire to do ttwd and to have a Dd marriage. I was questioning whether Dominance and submission would and should be part of our lives. I was questioning whether the “nice guy” I married would ever really be able to do what he needs to make this work.

He read the letter and we talked. I think for the first time in a long time he really got it but I asked him to take some time and really think about everything. We had become very comfortable in the routine we had established and it was time for a bit of a shake up. Essentially we suspended ttwd for the weekend while we digested and came to terms with what had happened.

So where are we now? We are in a much better place. He understands where I am coming from and why I feel like I do. He knows if he is going to lead that means he needs to be much more engaged. To continue then he needs to be as committed to this as I am. He is going to be more aware of his mindset so when he comes through the door he is better prepared to engage with me and leave work and those demands there. We are going to remain a Dd couple and he has recommitted to me and to us and has already stepped up in some new ways. When I find myself chaffing under this new diligence I know you will all remind me that I am the one who asked for this and forced this new level of commitment. 🙂

It’s funny. I think many of my concerns were there for a while but I didn’t want to acknowledge them and it took a crisis to bring them all to the surface. Maybe we needed to reach this turning point to grow. I want to run and weekends like this show me that in many ways we are still taking baby steps. I want to do this for the long hall and this helped us.

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I never really doubted his commitment to me. I know he cherishes me and us but it is nice to hear him reiterate it. In the end I hope I can look back on this weekend and truly see it as a turning point, one where we both took up Dd with renewed commitment.