The Right Note

Hi all.

I am happy to report that after WEEKS of no privacy and therefore no spanking that we finally were able to reconnect last night.

Even though I know there were times throughout that period that he could/would have given me a punishment spanking last night was not about that at all and he used it to really reconnect us. It was nice.

tone

It’s funny how important tone is to the feeling of a spanking. He made it clear from the beginning that this was not a punishment and so even though he used some really ouchy implements and some he definitely uses for punishments the overriding tone of reconnecting and bringing us back together made it easier for me to stay pretty still and take the spanking.

I’m glad he did it like he did. It has literally been weeks since we last did this and if he had come into this really serious and in a really punitive way I think we would have both lost a lot of the sensuality and connectedness we gained. Our Dd relationship includes the punitive. I need that and want that but I am so glad that is not always the driving force behind all our spankings.

At some point we may need the kind of catharsis that come from a punishment but for now a night of dominance and submission was just the right note.

Thank you Alex.

The Grand Finale

Sometimes things can get downright silly around here.

The other day we managed to get some privacy for some maintenance. It was going pretty well and was mostly lighthearted. He had used several implements and they were all out on the bed.

Finally he said we were almost done but that now it was time for the fireworks grand finale.

fireworks-finale

That sounded ominous.

He proceeded to explain that in a fireworks display the grand finale was a rapid fire display of all the kinds of shells with extra bangs at the very end.

He translated that concept over to many quick swats from all the implements in rapid succession. He was really very playful about the whole thing and while it was a little tough to take it was way more fun than serious and had us both laughing by the end.

If all we ever did was spank for serious reasons I think it might be hard to keep this up. To me that is one of the benefits of maintenance. It allows us to be more playful at times in our spanking relationship and to keep this all in perspective. Life is too short to be serious all the time and this part of our relationship is no exception. I like his creative silliness.

Good Weekend

Hi all. Thanks for all the nice wishes from my last post. Happily I am finally feeling better and (fingers crossed) will stop this cycle of one illness after another. This means that this past week was a little more normal around here than it has been.

Alex traveled most of the week and when he came home he was ready to reassert himself and his HoH status in some very fun and creative ways. There was some spanking but that didn’t come until Saturday. Before that he found quite a few fun ways to let me know just who’s boss around here. He pushed some limits and asserted his dominance and I have to say I loved the whole thing.

By the time we actually got to our reconnection we were both kind of anxious for it but in a good way. We were feeling very close but were both acutely aware that we hadn’t spanked in a little while.

I am a little crazy and had purchased a new paddle that he was happy to test it out. It is a small olive wood cheese board just slightly larger than a hairbrush. It is dense and as we both discovered it is very effective. I am definitely crazy. I know it will make many more appearances.

fyVMtP8A

It had been awhile since he had spanked me to tears and he somehow knew it was needed. I needed that release. He warmed me up a little with his hand and then mostly used the new paddle with some corner time breaks in between. I did pretty well staying in place and he helped by putting  his hand on my back and then moving me off the bed and over his leg to make sure I stayed still. I really like it when he does this. It helps to feel his closeness. When he was done he held me and we snuggled together.

I sometimes wrestle with myself over this need because that is the only thing I can call it. I do love when he knows and takes me where I need to be without me having to ask.

We have many ways to stay close but somehow there is a special kind of closeness that we only get from spanking. Maybe that is not exactly it. Maybe it is that we have an additional way to flex our relationship muscles and we don’t feel truly close anymore unless we are using all our tools. Whether for punishment or maintenance it takes an extraordinary amount of trust from both of us to live this lifestyle and we reaffirm this trust and commitment each time. I’m happier and he’s happier when we trust on this level.

I know that is incredibly hard for those outside this life to understand. Heck sometimes I don’t understand it myself. What I do understand is that it works for us. I guess it’s not so important to understand the why’s.

Trying To Figure It Out

Usually when we spank it is for maintenance with a little bit of paintenance thrown in to address whatever needs to be addressed. Sometimes it is pretty light and playful, sometimes it is long and hard. Most of the time it ends up being what I need and we both feel better.

But what if I don’t know what I need or I just don’t feel better? I have felt like he didn’t spank enough before but that was not the case yesterday. It was probably the hardest we have done and yet when it was over I was nowhere near my happy, cuddly, submissive place. It is not that he didn’t spank hard enough or long enough this time. It is that I was walled up and I’m not sure any amount of spanking was going to change that. I was grumpy when he was done but not really at him. Just grumpy. I have never really come out of a spanking and felt that way. I wanted him to stop and I didn’t want to try again.

The tone of the session is very important and it was off for me. Even though the session was hard the mood was not very serious. He didn’t really lecture much and tried to joke around some. The spanking was serious and the tone more playful. Maybe that was it. They didn’t match. I don’t know.

I don’t want to criticize how he does things. They are his decisions to make. I need to let go of the thoughts in my head that question whether he spanks or not and how he spanks. I need to stop second guessing and thinking “If I were HoH I would…” There was definitely some of that going on in my head and I think that was the bigger issue with my grumpiness. But it is not my decision to make. I know that but that is so hard.

There are times especially with behavior, or sass, or grumpiness that I know I would not let me get away with something and I don’t think from what I read other HoH’s would either. It is then that I question and wonder. Why does he let me behave like that? How do I get to a place where  I accept his decision gracefully in my heart and head?

Elysia had a post called His Decision yesterday that really spoke to me. We had just finished and I as trying to process how I felt and her post really moved my thinking to a new place.

In her post she said, “Just because there is no action does not mean that there was no effort to make the decision.” Wow what a thought. That is something I don’t think I ever really appreciated or considered. No action does not equal no decision. He chooses how he reacts or doesn’t and if I trust him to be the leader of our home I have to trust that is what he is doing; leading and choosing not to act.

That will be a good thing to talk with him about. I bet that is what he will say he is doing. Maybe I need him to do a better job of communicating that to me directly at least for awhile. Maybe I need him to acknowledge  my bad behavior  directly so I know he noticed. I don’t need or want punishment all the time but knowing that he notices would help.

Also in her post she said “I need to be able to accept Henry’s decisions about discipline in my actions but also in my heart and in my head.” That is exactly it! I need to learn to do this. If I have truly given him the power to discipline than I have to accept that I have also given him the power to not discipline or to discipline in whatever way he chooses.

life begins

Outward submission has gotten easier for me. Follow the rules.Do what I need to do. Take care of what needs to be taken care of. Even be respectful and keep my attitude in check most of the time. But when the sassy demon comes out and he doesn’t react I wonder. I still can’t help second guessing and I battle with my thoughts. It is the inner battles that I need to learn to let go of, the second guessing, the disappointment when things don’t go like I think they should or how I would do them. Those are not my decisions to make and that part for me is hard and will take some real work. I need to trust that he has a reason behind his decisions and that he is in fact actively in control. There are so many layers to submitting and learning to submit.

I think practicing “self talk” as Elysia says is something I need to do more of and it will help me get there. I need to stop the talk I do in my head that wonders and questions and “talk” myself into trusting and believing in my heart and head in his actions, in his decisions and in his leadership.

Best Laid Plans

Plans. They can get us every time.

Cat plan

My last post dealt with how life can and has gotten in the way of our doing Dd in what felt like a natural way.

Wednesday we did get to do maintenance and it was good. It had been awhile and there were a few issues to “discuss” so it was a little more like paintenance than maintenance. Like many I like leather way more than wood and he only used wood. Not as long and hard as real punishment but definitely attention getting.

We were both really looking forward to Friday. Our daughter was leaving for an overnight school trip which meant that we would have a whole day and night of together time. I don’t know what he was planning but I do know he was planning. I love it when he plans.

Enter winter. Enter life.

We live in the South. One thing you must know about the South is that ANY frozen precipitation leaves everyone here paralyzed. The stores fill up with people buying food, TV stations do live feeds from home improvement stores selling de-icer and snow shovels and schools cancel before a drop of snow or ice falls from the sky. This is all for a storm that will be in and out of the area in about 12 hours.

Granted the precipitation was ice and that is scary but you won’t run out of milk and bread in a 12 hour storm when the temps the next day will be in the 50s. It makes me laugh. But I digress.

The trip got canceled. I’m not sure who was more disappointed. My daughter or me. Not only did it mean she missed a trip she was really looking forward to but possibly more important to her it meant that she had homework to do and quizzes to take that she thought she was free of. Pretty comical actually. And of course so much for our plans.

I called Alex and told him. He just sighed heavily and that said it all for both of us. No playtime. No maintenance. No plans.

Now I really try to live by a philosophy of “it is what it is.” Things happen and you can’t really change that so you have to live within the parameters you are given at the time. Winter happens and things get canceled because of that. Getting all stressed out about that doesn’t really help anyone. That’s the theory anyway.

Even though I try it doesn’t always work that way.

I was grumpier than I should have been with both Alex and our daughter. He knew I was disappointed so he gave me some slack but I eventually pushed too many buttons. I actually questioned how he would handle a behavior that we were reading about on another blog and (I can’t really believe I did this) I said I didn’t think he would handle it. Well the next thing I knew I was in the bedroom, in the corner half dressed, and lectured about follow through and expectations, how he knew I was disappointed but I couldn’t take it out on him, etc. She was right up stairs so spanking wasn’t an option but he got his point across.

The thing is I was calmer after that. We snuggled and I apologized and he forgave me.

Why do I do that? His night was ruined too but he wasn’t acting like a brat. I fully admit that I try to not let things I can’t change bother me and yet… oh well.

Anyway we got through the night and I was better yesterday. We had no plans for any connection time so of course what happened? Our daughter spent most of the afternoon and evening with a friend so we ended up with several hours alone sans daughter. We got to do maintenance. We got some playtime and we watched a movie together. It was really nice.

So what is my take away?

Plan a-z

Go back to my original philosophy. Work within the parameters I am given and try not to get too stressed if plans change because they can just as easily change in my favor as against me.

Be patient.

Oh and don’t second guess Alex’s resolve unless I want to find myself on the receiving end of a punishment with my nose in a corner. (I really need to remember that one.) 🙂

Natural Dd

piMaking a lifestyle change is never easy. We are creatures of habit and we are comfortable with what we are comfortable with. This can be what we eat, what we wear, the routines of the day. When those routines are different we are thrown off and feel a bit unbalanced.

Dd relationships need that balance. We need to find that flow, that naturalness. It takes awhile.

In the beginning everything is new to both of you. Even the most naturally dominant husband and the most naturally submissive wife will still need to find their grove when Dd is new. For those of us who don’t feel completely confident in those roles finding the point where we are doing this with some confidence can take time. In a perfect world we would each fulfill our roles with grace and commitment in a timely fashion. Our spanking would be a function of this natural relationship.

In a perfect world.

In reality it’s a bit messier. Jobs, travel, kids, house guests. The list of things that can and do take priority over the immediate use of our agreed upon tools in Dd is long. We have “scheduled” maintenance and haven’t been able to do it in over a month. We hope to start again this week and really want to make it a priority in our lives again.

Maybe that will help because lately when we have been able to spank it has felt pretty forced. Not forced because we didn’t want it to happen but forced because we had a precious two hour window when we could “connect” and we felt like we had to make it count or else. It’s not even that we didn’t enjoy those times because we did. But it’s forced. If it goes well we are both really happy and relieved and if it doesn’t then the disappointment feels more immediate, like a lost opportunity.

Alex actually brought this up to me when we  were talking. He doesn’t like it and I agree. Spankings have felt a bit forced around here. We have both worked to stay connected in other ways but I think we need the unique connection we only get through our Dd dynamic.

Hopefully now that everyone is back at school and our schedule is more settled we can get back to it feeling a bit more natural. I like natural.

The Crazy Part

I don’t have a lot of time but I just wanted to muse a little about our evening last night.

We finally were alone last night and for the first time in weeks we were able to do maintenance and reconnect with a spanking. We were both anticipating the evening and I know I was a little nervous and told him so. We had a pretty good session but as soon as I started to cry at all he stopped. I told him he could keep going but he said he thought I had enough. Maybe it was because he knew I was anxious, I don’t know. Anyway he then moved on to some other things that should have been fun and I moved on to being grumpy. He tried to snuggle, he tried having me sit as his feet, he tried just talking and soothing me and I was just grumpy and luke warm.

Sometimes he finishes too early for me and I really know it. Last night I didn’t feel that in my head but I guess I felt it in my heart because I really was acting pretty out of sorts.

Finally after about 45 minutes of this he had had enough and declared that we were going back in the bedroom and he was going to improve my attitude. I know it can be hard for him to push me past tears. Well I will no longer wonder if he can really spank me to a place of acceptance and quite frankly through many, many tears.

I was crying almost as soon as he started. He warmed me up again a little with his hand but then grabbed our wooden hairbrush that stings and burns like fire and proceeded to spank three different times with some rubbing in between. Each time I thought he was done but he just took me farther. By the time he stopped I was a crying mess.

woodenbrush

Our Hairbrush

The crazy part is that it was then that I was finally able to melt into him as he held me and comforted me and took care of me. He told me he would always be there to keep me safe and that he would always protect me. I loved hearing those words and loved how close we finally felt.

Our kids were soon to be home so we cleaned up and I went into the kitchen to do some dishes. I had the biggest smile on my face and didn’t feel grumpy at all…

Checking In

I have pretty much been out of commission lately. My college kids were home for a bit with all the fun, cooking, and general craziness that having all of them home at once entails.

We have been doing some much needed home maintenance and have had workers in and out of the house for about three weeks. Tomorrow is the last day for that and happily the house looks great. I can’t wait to be done and be rid of all those “visitors.”

Then last Monday we got a call that my father-in-law had been rushed to the hospital and for a while we were very worried how it would all turn out. Happily he has made a strong recovery and we are hopeful he will continue to improve but it necessitated a trip to see him (8 hour drive each way) and lend our love and support.

They have no internet in their home and it was only while I was quickly checking a blog on my phone that I remembered LOL Day 7. I was able to get to a place with internet and threw together a quick post and then spent a little time rushing from blog to blog just saying a quick hello. I didn’t even really have a chance to read most of the posts but wanted to let at least some know that I had been by. I am still trying to catch up.

Alex and I have been mostly good. With all this activity our ability to do maintenance, let alone any other spanking as been pretty limited. I can’t say I am thrilled about that but I also know that there is not much we can do about it.

The next month does not seem like it will be any better as far as that goes. He is heading into quite a few weeks of heavy travel and so I will be on my own again most of the time. In between there will be Thanksgiving and more family time but not a lot of “us” time.

I try hard not to stress too much about things I can’t change but it does make me a little sad. I miss the connection we get from regular maintenance. I think we are going to have to work extra hard to fit in whatever connection time we can manage. It’s not that Dd has stopped it just isn’t so immediate as I may want and  I think I get extra feisty when we can’t connect so I am going to have to work hard to behave.

I feel like since we haven’t been very active ourselves that I don’t have a lot to write about lately but I will try to as inspiration hits me. Maybe some of my musings will be more vanilla and less Dd. I’m not sure. Either way I will be here and we will keep working on us which is pretty good.

Quickie

Last week was a little off for us. We are trying to do maintenance on Mondays and Fridays. I don’t even remember now why it didn’t happen on Monday but it didn’t. He left for a trip very early Tuesday morning on what was supposed to be a quick 1 night trip turned into a 4 day slog and him not home until Friday afternoon. No time. No privacy. No spanking.

Today for just a few minutes we were alone and sitting together on the coach. I looked over at him and he asked if I needed some maintenance. Yes I said and he laughed. There was not really enough time to do it right and we both knew it. I am getting pretty antsy but I said I would survive.

Well I think antsy = sassy and the next thing I knew we were headed for the bedroom for a quick “don’t forget whose in charge here” spanking. It was fast, hot and fun and I haven’t quit thinking about it since.

The spanking was really pretty short by our standards but he was deliberate and forceful and then he made sure I felt his dominance in other ways. So hot.

Tomorrow we should have time for real maintenance but I did love our quickie.

Hope you all had fun this weekend too.

Oh and just for fun…

Talking about Rituals

Humans are often creatures of habit. We tend to like the familiar and and take comfort in it. We drive to work a certain way, frequent the same stores over and over, buy the same products, make the same meals, etc. because those things are familiar and bring us comfort.

Rituals do that for us. A ritual is a customary way of operation or behavior. It is an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner. They allow us to predict how something will be. Change can be stressful and rituals help keep that stress in check.

Lillian recently wrote a post about her rituals in spanking and wondered whether others used a ritual when they do ttwd. It is something I have been thinking about lately. It is also something that we have been discussing because itis something I wish we had more of especially for punishments.

We don’t have a prescribed ritual either for maintenance or for punishment but that is not to say that we don’t follow certain patterns. Most often for either I am bent over our bed or over his leg with my upper body resting on the bed. I like having the feeling of support and feeling grounded to something. I do like being over the bed and holding onto the pillow really does help me stay in position and keeps me from reaching back.

It depends how much he talks to me during a spanking. During maintenance he may not talk too much. He will lecture when he needs too though and always makes sure I know what a punishment is for. Often our conversation comes later after we are done. We have had some great conversations after a session.

We have talked about developing a set punishment place/position. If we had a routine it  might make the situation seem more serious. Because we do maintenance and playful spankings too, a specific spot/position for punishment might really help both of us get into the right headspace for punishment. He knows all this and has indicated that he likes the idea.

He can be pretty creative when he wants to be and that can include in how he chooses to spank and so even if we get to the point that we have more structured scenarios I still think he will throw things in to keep me on my toes.

It takes time to figure all this stuff out. In the scheme of things we have not been doing this that long, really only for about 8 months. We are different now than we were back then and I am sure we will be different 8 months from now. I learn from him and he learns from me. He learns what works and what doesn’t. We experiment and keep some things and reject others. As we find what works we refine our rituals and with luck and persistence move forward.

I don’t know if we will ever get to the point that he does the same thing all the time but I do know that as he learns more about what works and what doesn’t he will do those things that make this thing we do work best for us.

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