Have You Met Me?

Last weekend we spent a lovely weekend practicing being empty nesters. Privacy, solitude, spanking, playtime, dinner out, Dominance and submission. Toward the end of the weekend I asked him that. 

Have you met me?

It was Sunday night. He told me that he wanted coffee and banana muffins made by 7:15 the next morning. It was President’s Day the next day and we were kid free so it was a day I could sleep in a bit.

He knows how much I like to sleep in the morning and so I think he was not surprised when I complained.

But then I didn’t just complain. I told him no. And I asked if he had met me implying that he knew I would hate that. He gave in. He let me tell him no and let me sleep.

Here’s the thing. I have thought a lot about it since. Part of me is really happy and thankful for his giving in but a bigger part of me is disappointed.

Have you met me?

Not such an easy question as I might have thought?

The me before we started all of this, and still a big part of me, hates mornings and does everything she can to avoid them. But then there is the me that truly wants, needs and desperately desires to feel his Dominance and my own submission.

The me that is and wants to do her own thing really wrestles sometimes with the me that wants his leadership and control.

There is the me that struggles with herself to accept this need to submit. There is the me that wants to take his direction and yet worries that I shouldn’t feel this way.

And honestly there is a me that pushes and tests to see where the walls are, what the boundaries are and if he cares and will enforce them. What will he do if I tell him no? What will his reaction be? Will he call me out for my disobedience or will he give in?

Such a struggle sometimes. So yes not such an easy question.

He has met me but I have changed. We have changed.

I guess what I am telling him is don’t be afraid to trust that this is real and to push his authority and demand my compliance.  What I am saying is that if he asks something of me, if he decide he wants something that he expect my compliance, expect my obedience.  He should expect my submission. I don’t feel like I did a very good job of it Sunday night or Monday morning.

I’m not going to promise that I am not going to grumble or complain when he asks me to do things I don’t want to do. The internal struggle will continue. But I am working so the me that wants to submit is more prevalent than the me that wants her own way.

Have you met me?

I am a mess sometimes and confuse even myself so I understand that this can and often is confusing for him. But just as I test his willingness to enforce things I understand that sometimes he will test me by asking me to do things I don’t really want to do like getting up early when I don’t otherwise have to or alternately setting a bedtime so that getting up is easier. I won’t always understand or agree with what he tells me to do. Submission is hard.

That’s ok. I trust him and his leadership and where he will take us. He pushes. I pull and hopefully sooner or later we find we are working together smoothly.

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10 Comments

  1. Hi Zoe, I suppose in the spirit of co-operation you should have got up BUT how mean on your day off. Couldn’t he have picked something nicer? You better make some of his muffins and put them in the freezer for next time so you will be ready!!I think he could have pushed it too so in this case maybe you don’t ought to brood about it. If he had spanked for it you would have got up wouldn’t you? Does this mean he let you down here? I don’t know, bit of team work here I reckon, six of one and hapf a dozen of another as my Grandma used to say. Have a nice weekend
    love Jan.xx
    P.S. I do love an empty nest sometimes.

    Reply
  2. Roz

     /  02/21/2014

    Hi Zoe, this is a great post … and very well said! I totally relate to all of this. The struggle between wanting to do what I want and also wanting his dominance and to submit, the testing and pushing boundaries … all of it. I hadn’t really thought that much about him testing me though … hmm.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  02/28/2014

      Roz it this really was about that battle to do what I want versus what he asked me to do and not so much about what he asked specifically. Essentially it was a submission exercise and nobody said submission was easy.

      Reply
  3. Let me give you another way to look at Sunday night. Perhaps by looking at it as Alex giving in, you are not seeing his leadership either. Sure you complained but in this scenario at our house, if Barney CHANGED HIS MIND, he would say just that, and I shouldn’t get all puffed out or discouraged, because as leader he listened to me and thought he was being a tad insensitive, and changed his mind. He is completely within his right to do so.

    And have you met me? LOL…well some days I wonder if *I* have met me!

    love
    willie

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  02/28/2014

      Yes he is absolutely able to change his mind if fact that is a really important part of this. He took my objections into account which makes me feel heard. A good thing. I was really questioning my own response. This can be pretty complicated sometimes.

      Reply
  4. Humm. It’s funny Zoe (funny peculiar that is) that compliance looks so neat and tidy as well as easy until they throw something unnecessary out there. I mean why 7:15? I can see my head spinning, wondering why, what was behind it, asking countless questions. On the other hand, maybe you really did need to sleep in and it was a silly deal.

    LOL, I am not very helpful, I’m just reading and letting my head spin on your blog. I do think that next time you will likely be ready to say yes and then only after, have questions that he can answer for you.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  02/28/2014

      You know I will be ready to say yes next time. He doesn’t ask me to do things like this often and I feel like if I am going to let him lead then I need to let him lead. Submission exercises are tough for a reason. We each learned something here which is good.

      Reply
  5. Becky

     /  02/25/2014

    I understand your struggle my job requires me to be strong making decisions, etc. and I really enjoy it. However I was clear with Jack that once married I wanted to be his loyal and supportive wife with him making the decisions when i was out of work. We also agreed that we needed DD to make this work and I am very thankful that Jack monitors my compliance with the rules we agreed and ensures I am appropriately punished if I err in any way. In addition I have found that maintenance discipline at least once per week as helped me improve my efforts. I spend my non work time vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the toilets, doing the laundry, ironing, making meals whilst dressing appropriately. I know this makes our life better and in my role as the wife I need to take responsibility for making sure these things happen. In return Jack does everything I would wish my husband to do and more. Our DD has made transparent want is expected of me in my role including my subservience, made me agree to appropriately tight rules and be accepting of the punishments I deserve when I fail.

    All of this give and take has enabled us to develop an open mind to our loves life which has grown as has our overall relationship. Perhaps having clear rules might help you. I am happy to share ours if you wish. Best wishes, Becky

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  02/28/2014

      Thanks for commenting Becky. It was a good learning experience for us both.

      Reply

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