This submission thing can be tough.
Some days it seems easy for me and then other times I have a harder time staying within our agreed to bounds. I don’t ever want to push limits on purpose and I mean it… and then I want to do something that I know he has said I can’t and I feel the frustration, I feel the limit.
For the most part I do pretty well. I understand and accept our roles and feel centered by what we are doing. And then I come up against the limit. Most of the time I’m good and then sometimes not so much. Add to that having to fess up when I have broken a rule and if I don’t suddenly I have broken two and am really in trouble.
This is where we found ourselves yesterday and unfortunately not for the first time. (I know Susie, I’m a Noodlehead.) I shouldn’t have been there. But I was. This shouldn’t be hard. His rules are really reasonable but I must ask to do some things and that is not always easy or practical. Rule broken. No fessing up. Noodlehead.
So I have been thinking about this all day today. I asked for these limits. I brought this to him. This was my idea. I want to be submissive and feel his dominance. One of the reasons the rule is in place is specifically to test my submission.
Am I testing, not to be bratty per se or to be in trouble but to see his reaction and test his follow through?Maybe that’s it. Is it a form of growing pains? Is this normal? Sometimes I feel like I am testing myself as much as him. Like I said, this was my idea so if I don’t live up to our agreement aren’t I letting myself down as much or more than him? Can I stay within our limits and submit? So many thoughts and questions.
One thing I do know is that being in this Dd relationship, whatever my mental gymnastics at the moment feels right and special somehow. It’s a secret that only we get to know. It feels like a privilege to do this, to be able to be his, to act in a way that makes him happy and makes him proud. And maybe that is my answer. Maybe just letting myself acknowledge these feelings of confusion surrounding my submission but ultimately embrace how special this makes me feel is enough. I’ll never be perfect but my submission makes me happy.
I hope all this makes sense. Sometimes just letting my thoughts out through my fingertips makes me aware of things I didn’t even know were there and leaves me feeling empowered. But still…
This submission thing can be tough.
A Uniquely Different Life 