Fifty Shades of Debate

Why has the Fifty Shades Trilogy suddenly become so popular? Have you read it yet? Are you going to?

I spent most of last week doing just that and I have to say that I loved the books. I got thoroughly engrossed in them, their humor, their twists and turns, oh… and the sex. There was more than a little of that! Basically they were good fun.

Since then I have spent some time reading reviews, descriptions, discussions and debates about these suddenly very popular books. Depending on what you are reading they are either wonderful or horribly written, addictive or stupid dribble, a giant step back for feminism or a great leap for embracing female sexuality. It really is amazing. Newsweek’s cover story discusses the sexual fantasies of working women with the headline “Spanking Goes Mainstream”. Wow.

The discussion there and many other places centers on how women working outside the home are craving a strong man like Christian to take care of them and control them. (By the way this annoys me. Why can’t the conversation be ALL women not just working women? Do stay at home moms not count? Oh yeah, that’s right. We don’t.)

When I started the first book I wondered out loud to Alex how different my reaction to it might be if we were not already engaged in a Dd relationship. Would I be identifying with the issues of control and BDSM in the same way if I were not already open to those ideas in my own marriage? Would I have a different reaction if I weren’t? Would I be willing to incorporate some of the scenarios in the book into my own bedroom if I were not already basically doing so already? I don’t know.

The rest of the female population sure seems to be enjoying themselves. Which is what I find so interesting. Maybe spanking IS more mainstream than any of us realize. Maybe people are more open minded to this than is currently believed. And maybe more will introduce it into their own lives.

It’s hard to tell. I have two friends in real life who I have suggested the books to. I explained the plot and some of the dynamics of Ana and Christian’s relationship but didn’t continue the conversation and disclose anything about my own relationship. It felt odd to be discussing any of this with them and I don’t think I will ever be comfortable enough to share this part of myself. One seemed eager to read them herself and the other seemed pretty indifferent. It will be interesting to see what they think of them if they do read them. Either way, it’s hard for me to imagine a time that I would discuss my own relationship openly with them.

I do hope that these books open more people up to the positive power that this dynamic can bring to a relationship. Safe, sane, consensual spanking has brought us to a new level of openness and understanding in our relationship. Opening myself to him sexually has made all the difference to us. I hope that others find benefit as well by allowing themselves to indulge in some of their own fantasies.

It will be interesting to see where the debate goes from here.

Variety Pack

So we learned something this morning. Variety may not be the spice of life at least where spankings are concerned.

We had a maintenance session. He called it the variety pack and decided that he was going to cycle through most of the implements in our bag. (We have quite a few.)

I didn’t like it. In fact it really annoyed me. A few swats with lots of implements never allowed me to concentrate and settle down into any one feeling or sensation. I like feeling connected to him after a spanking and this one just never really got either of us there.

Oh well. Now we know. Less is more at least for me and the number of implements. As he said, this is why we try things.

Learning all the time.

Car Talk

Sometimes I read on other’s blogs how they are trying Dd for a few months and then will decide if it is working for them. In their journeys they feel they have something to go back to without Dd. That is not how I see this for us. I have not ever seen what we are doing as a trial period.

We had been living separate lives in the same home for years. We both stayed for a variety of reasons, we both take our vows seriously and neither of us wanted to break up our family. Our kids are happy and doing very well so disrupting their lives was not something we were willing to do. His job has caused us to move quite a few times and each time we disrupt their lives. They had dealt with enough of that. We weren’t going to add to it. As disconnected as we were actually taking the step to divorce was not on the table. Yet. We are three years from an empty nest. Once all the kids were out of the house I don’t think we could have made it.

One of our good friends left her husband at the beginning of last summer. I knew they were not particularly happy but watching her breakup woke me up. In so many ways I could see us in them. I could see myself in her remarks about her relationship. She was bored, didn’t communicate with him, but unlike us, she wanted to get out before she was left with an empty nest. She said the thought of having to spend time with him alone was more than she could take. It made me so sad and scared me. She left him and they never talked. She moved out and they never discussed their problems.

I was terrified. We didn’t talk. We didn’t communicate. I could foresee a time when one of us just left. My oldest was horrified by how our friends were acting. How could they just leave each other and not even try to tell each other what was wrong and at least try to work things out, she wondered. She thought they were being ridiculous. But that was kind of where we were. Even if we eventually found that we couldn’t work out our problems, I couldn’t just let what was happening to them happen to us. I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t do that to any of my children.

We were fractured and broken and we were not going to make it. He had left for a trip with hardly a word. I didn’t really know where he was going and I didn’t exactly  know what day he would be back.

The week before when he came back from a different trip the house was a mess. I am ashamed to admit it but as I look back I think it was an unconscious show of defiance. Kind of a -if you’re not going to take care of me, I’m not going to take care of you – type thing. I had had enough.

I started researching spanking and by the time he was back I was ready to shake things up. I started by opening up sexually. I guess you could say I attacked him. That hadn’t happened in a very long time. We had played around with erotic spanking throughout our marriage and that first time we came back together before I had ever brought it up yet he spanked a little. That gave me the courage to forge ahead.

We took our son to college that weekend and our daughter was spending the night at a friend’s house. We spent the time in the car coming home with me trying to find the words to explain how I wanted to bring real spanking into our lives. That was rough but there is something about being stuck in a car together that helps us find the words. We can’t leave. There are no distractions. It’s just us and the conversation.

And so it began. We played. We spanked. We experimented. We broke kitchen implements. We had lots of fun. It was a night we won’t forget and was a night that  gave us a solid foundation for what has come since.

We opened up and let each other in. Over the next few months I continued my research, opened up to him sexually and took baby steps toward changing our dynamic.

One of the best things to happen was discovering Sara’s blog at findingsara. I really can’t thank her and Grant enough. I was a champion lurker and read her entire archive. Her eloquent, thoughtful description of Dd and its effect on her marriage allowed me to see how this could be a viable option for us. There were many differences but also striking similarities and I realized that Dd would give us the tools to continue the progress we had already made.

Like her and so many other amazing couples who share their journeys through their blogs I feel like our marriage is on the line. We are not coming from a place of an OK marriage we want to make better. We are coming from a broken marriage that we are rebuilding from the ground up. I never want to go back to where we were before. I never want our children to again live in a house with parents who are so disconnected.

Interestingly, it was on another car trip to pick up our daughter from school before Christmas that we had our big talk about truly incorporating Dd into our lives, how it might work, what some of the issues might look like. Another conversation in another car that changed so much. And so it began again…

This is not a trial run.

Spring Break and Sisters

Hi everyone. Sorry that I have been quiet this week. Alex was out of town all week on business and we were on spring break. My sister and niece were visiting for the week and we had so much fun. My niece and daughter are close in age and both perform in the theater so they love being together. My sister and I are close friends who live nowhere near each other so we really cherish the time we get to spend together. We spent the week talking and laughing (much laughing), enjoying adult beverages, going to the beach, shopping and eating.

Oh the eating… way too much of that. I don’t even want to step on the scale to find out what I gained. We had many delicious meals but I completely let myself overdue it. Time to pay attention again and get back to business. Next week will definitely be an accountability week. Alex could tell I had gained when he came home. I will  have to loose at least 2 pounds or face the consequences. I can do this.

I’m glad that Alex is home again and look forward to a good weekend. I am sad that our break is almost over but it was a good one. It is so nice to have a sister that is so comfortable and funny. It’s like we’re never apart. She’s the best.

Easter Greetings

Alex and I wish you all a very Happy Easter!

Oh, and I just couldn’t resist sharing…

March Madness

We had a rough weekend. Our daughter was out at a movie and Alex and I were happily settled in to watch the Final Four basketball games Saturday night. We are big sports fans in our house and like many, when teams we care about are playing in high stakes games emotions run high.

For those who are not from the US, March (and early April) are huge here for college basketball. Sixty-eight of the best teams in the country play in a tournament all month to crown the eventual National Champion. These college kids play their hearts out and it is so much fun to watch. It is one of our favorite times of the sporting year.

Anyway… the emotions were high and the stakes were high and before I knew it a request to stay calm and an unhappy exchange about how I communicated it to him and we were both very upset with each other. I was mad. He was mad. We basically went to bed mad.

On Sunday we talked and seemed to come to an understanding. I apologized and so did he. Even so, after we were done talking I was unsure about where we stood. Like I said, we had both made mistakes and I wasn’t sure with how we left it whether he was spanking for it or not. Since we are still pretty new to this he struggles to discipline when there are mistakes on both sides (which I truly appreciate.) We would not be alone until the next day so any spanking would be postponed until then anyway.

The uncertainty was getting to me so later that night I told him I didn’t know where we stood and the next thing I knew we were arguing about the original problem again. Long story short we went to bed mad again. I hate that.

By the morning we had both calmed down. He came to me and told me that he had errands to run but when he came back we would sit down and talk. It wasn’t a request. This time we really talked. I told him why I felt so hurt and he heard me and understood. We both felt heard.

He was so sweet. The first thing he said to me was that he was really trying. It just melted me. Work is full of stress right now and I don’t want to add to that stress. He told me some of the issues at work but at the end of the list he said that I was his priority. Wow. Again, just melt.

We had lunch and then we did maintainence. By the time we actually got to the spanking we had talked so much that the need to punish had been superseded by the need to reconnect. It was part bringing us back together from a very fractured weekend, part putting each of us back in our roles, and a little bit punishment for all the hard feelings. When we were done we had found a way to work our way back together.

I went to him and thanked him for following through. We spent a weekend both feeling like we were in our separate rooms again and came out on the other side both feeling better understood and closer.

Dd has given us the tools, the framework and the commitment to not allow a few misplaced words to escalate into long running hard feelings. Thank goodness.

Answers

We only had two people ask us questions but they were really good and made us think. I don’t think this was his favorite thing to do so I’m not sure there will be a repeat so thanks to Alex for doing this. His answers are first in regular type and mine are in italics.

The first three questions are from Elysia…

What is your favorite part of Dd?

We were very disconnected before Dd and were both guilty of speaking to each other with disrespect and tone. We both work hard now to not do that. If we don’t have respect everything else falls away and I love how much that has changed. It has been  important for both of  us to make changes and this lifestyle has helped us do that.

My favorite part is how much more available to each other we are and how much more communication there is. We really were coming from a place of little or no communication and that change has been extraordinary to me. 

What change has been the hardest for you personally? As a couple?

Giving her our first real punishment spanking was the hardest part for me because if done right both of us had to go to places that we had never been before. Learning what her limits are and how to handle that has been hard.

Personally – being conscious of the house all the time. He likes things very clean and organized and that is not usually so important to me. I pay so much more attention to things now but it definitely takes effort on my part. On my own I let things build up and then clean a lot all at once. Now I really try to keep on top of the jobs. There are times that I really don’t feel like doing those dishes or whatever but living in a clean, organized space makes him happy and secure so I have actively worked to change my focus. That is hard sometimes.

As a couple I would say that the hardest part is keeping up the intensity all the time. This is a 24/7 lifestyle and not letting down from that is hard. If we want to see the results it takes work on both our parts all the time.
Do you think that is is harder or more easy than you expected?

Harder. The hardest part to me has been fully embracing my role and the responsibilities of that role.

Acting in a submissive manner is hard and something I have to decide to do everyday. But the benefits are so tangible that is many ways it is easier than I expected. 

And from Susie…

What has been your biggest surprise in Dd?

How much Zoe has embraced this lifestyle and how quickly it has rejuvenated our relationship both in our communication and sexually as well.

For me the biggest surprise has been how easily I have embraced my submissive role in this new dynamic and how much I want to please him.

For Alex–What have you noticed in Zoe since you began Dd that has stood out to you or brought you joy…or made you proud?

The most significant change I have seen is her self confidence. She has always been confident but seeing her relinquish control to me in Dd has made her a stronger woman and person and I love that side of her.

She has taken control of her weight loss and that has been good to see and makes me proud.