Submissive Thoughts

This submission thing can be tough.

Some days it seems easy for me and then other times I have a harder time staying within our agreed to bounds. I don’t ever want to push limits on purpose and I mean it… and then I want to do something that I know he has said I can’t and I feel the frustration, I feel the limit.

For the most part I do pretty well. I understand and accept our roles and feel centered by what we are doing. And then I come up against the limit. Most of the time I’m good and then sometimes not so much. Add to that having to fess up when I have broken a rule and if I don’t suddenly I have broken two and am really in trouble.

This is where we found ourselves yesterday and unfortunately not for the first time. (I know Susie, I’m a Noodlehead.) I shouldn’t have been there. But I was. This shouldn’t be hard. His rules are really reasonable but I must ask to do some things and that is not always easy or practical. Rule broken. No fessing up. Noodlehead.

So I have been thinking about this all day today. I asked for these limits. I brought this to him. This was my idea. I want to be submissive and feel his dominance. One of the reasons the rule is in place is specifically to test my submission.

Am I testing, not to be bratty per se or to be in trouble but to see his reaction and test his follow through?Maybe that’s it. Is it a form of growing pains? Is this normal? Sometimes I feel like I am testing myself as much as him. Like I said, this was my idea so if I don’t live up to our agreement aren’t I letting myself down as much or more than him? Can I stay within our limits and submit? So many thoughts and questions.

One thing I do know is that being in this Dd relationship, whatever my mental gymnastics at the moment feels right and special somehow. It’s a secret that only we get to know. It feels like a privilege to do this, to be able to be his, to act in a way that makes him happy and makes him proud. And maybe that is my answer. Maybe just letting myself acknowledge these feelings of confusion surrounding my submission but ultimately embrace how special this makes me feel is enough.  I’ll never be perfect but my submission makes me happy.

I hope all this makes sense. Sometimes just letting my thoughts out through my fingertips makes me aware of things I didn’t even know were there and leaves me feeling empowered. But still…

This submission thing can be tough.

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10 Comments

  1. faerie

     /  05/08/2012

    Definitely confusing and hard, but oh so worth it 🙂 Hang in there and keep writing, the answers come eventually.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/08/2012

      Thanks Faerie. It is worth it. The writing helps so much because it really does help me find answers.

      Reply
  2. I think growing pains are completely normal, I know we had and still have plenty! But it is worth it. And I think it’s only natural for you to test out your roles I like what you said about it being a privilege, I completely feel that way, it’s like we have this special way of life and only we know about it.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/08/2012

      It is fun being the one with the secret, isn’t it? I’m sure I will continue to mess up sometimes but that is part of the journey.

      Reply
  3. Well my fellow Noodlehead, only you and Alex will really know but I do think that we test at times. I know that I thought I was done with testing about a year in and then found myself doing it again. It seems like it pops up every couple months or so when for whatever reason I need to feel his strength. If nothing else, it sure is normal to be testing both yourself and him.

    You may feel like a bit of a let down when you don’t live up to your own expectations but hey, if you got this all right the first time, there wouldn’t be any room for growth. There’d be no adventure and both of you would lose out on the journey.

    For quite a while (9 months or so) we had a rule in place that tested my submission on a daily basis. It was intentional, almost what Sara would call a ‘submission exercise.’ In my moments of weakness, this rule was one that I would break often and like you, I was expected to fess up or I’d broken two rules. I’m not sure quite it tripped me up so much but it was a testing point for me and took a long time to really conquer. I often felt like I had let M down and he rarely felt that way. Perhaps it was b/c it got to the heart of my submission?

    Reply
  4. Zoe

     /  05/08/2012

    Susie I did feel like a noodlehead. I totally get the ‘submission exercise’ because that is pretty much what this is for us too. I would love to be able to say I won’t slip again but I probably will. It would be a test if it were easy. You are so right about loosing out on the journey if I always got it right.

    I think A would say he didn’t feel let down either. He knows it is hard for me. He wants me to do it but doesn’t feel betrayed when I slip up.

    Your whole comment made me feel much better. Thank you so much.

    Reply
  5. Saoirse

     /  05/09/2012

    Just a quick hi from another noodlehead…..no matter how hard, how much I confuse myself, I do feel warm and happy within our secret.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/09/2012

      Hi Saoirse! It is pretty special isn’t it? I’m glad I’m not the only one.

      Reply
  6. stormy

     /  05/10/2012

    Submission isn’t for sissies..lol. I find it near constant “head gymnastics” but when I am doing well I am proud and he is happy..and its all worth it. My husband is all about true submission, and that’s where I think I am quite weak..submitting for all the right reasons. Baby steps..for all of us I guess!

    Having a blog to write this stuff out, turn it this way and that, and process it..is helpful I think.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/10/2012

      It sure isn’t for sissies and it is worth it when we get it right isn’t it. I think I am taking baby steps right along with you.

      My blog has made all the difference for me. I truly believe that I(we) would not have the progress we have without it. It does help me make sense of the “mental gymnastics.” Thanks for stopping by.

      Reply

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