A First for Us

I earned my first real punishment spanking.

He told me not to do something but I did it anyway. I knew I should’t but I did. I felt badly right away. I knew I had to tell him. That is part of our agreement. I am to tell him if I have done something wrong. If I don’t then it is a  lie by ommisssion. He is not supposed to have to ask.

He was gone and I didn’t text him. He came home and I still hadn’t found a way to tell him. He asked if I had been good while he was away. I had to confess  but by then he had initiated the conversation. He was not happy about that. He wants me to be open and honest at all times so if I am keeping things inside I am distancing and we don’t allow that. He was actually more upset about that than the original infraction. I was surprised by that but I do understand it now. Lying, in any form, pushes us apart. It damages us and what we are trying to be together.

I am really sorry. I am really sorry that I disappointed him and that I didn’t uphold our agreement. I am sorry that he needed to punish me. He was very thorough and I cried. I cried because it hurt, because I was disappointed in myself, and because I felt bad that I had made him have to do this. He spanked past my tears until he felt I got his message. I am very proud of how he handled it. He took it all very seriously and let me know it.

I am so glad that it is over. I had to wait two days for this spanking and that was hard. There was such an emotional release. I felt so contrite and so humbled. He explained why we were there and made sure I knew how important my honesty and obedience are to him. He held me while I cried and dried my tears and forgave me. Then he sat me down on the edge of the tub on the cool plastic and told me to stay there until he came back and really think about what had happened so the lesson sank in. It did.

He came back and held me, kissed me and told me we were done and that I had done well. He made sure I was OK (I am).

I also asked him the same thing. I was worried because it really was different than what we had done before. I was pleasantly surprised how confident he was when he said that he was. He sat a little straighter and said if we have to revisit the issue it will be an even worse spanking. I believe him. It could not have been easy to spank me like he did but he followed through and brought us back together.

In my post Walls I asked that he set limits and enforce them. I asked that he keep us together in the same room. That  is exactly where we are. As soon as I disobeyed him I felt the distance. As I struggled with how to tell him I felt even more distance. I’m so glad I am back by his side where I belong.

I, and we, are learning all the time. It feels like progress.

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  1. Zoe, it sounds like you two are on the right track.


  2. My husband feels the same way about distancing and can see when I’m starting to hide and maybe need to come clean about something. Like yours, that is really a worse infraction than whatever I have done wrong and yes, it doubles the feelings of disappointment. It’s the hardest thing about punishment…this feeling that you have let him down. For us (and it sounds like you too), the forgiveness after is so sweet. We don’t have to sit in the muckiness of that disappointment for days till it passes. When the punishment is over, it really is over and we both feel better. A cleans slate.

    Zoe…I have to tell you–you guys are pretty amazing. We did not have punishments go smoothly like this for quite a few months. The way you both handled yourselves and how confident he felt after shows how well you have communicated with each other. It is great progress and you should both be proud of yourselves.

  3. Zoe

     /  03/17/2012

    Hermione, Thanks! I think maybe we are.

    Susie, Wow! Thanks so much for the compliment. That really means a lot. It is funny, seven or eight months ago I would never have believed we were capable of the kind of communication and intimacy we are experiencing now.

    If I look at it I think that this blog has made such a big difference for us both. I process by writing and he processes by reading and really seeing how I feel. I would never have been able to tell him all this without it. It also helps I think, that we have gone slow. More than once he has reminded me that we are new and we can take it at our own pace. He’s a smart man!

  4. I think it’s a great idea to celebrate the milestones, even when punishment is something that you don’t want to celebrate exactly. The first time is just a big deal.
    Susie’s right. You two are off to a great start! It seems that you communicate very well, and you each understand your roles so well. As you know from my post, lying by omission is exactly what I did to Henry as well. Not something to be proud of, but it’s such a relief to be forgiven and to start fresh.
    It really does help to go slow, IMO. You’re less likely to act in haste and maybe make a wrong turn. It’s easier to make corrections b4 things get too out of whack.
    I think you’re both smart! 🙂

  5. Zoe

     /  03/19/2012

    Thanks Elysia! It does feel like a milestone.

    That lying by omission thing is tough. I know you understand. Acting out causes such struggles and hard emotions but now we have a way to present those problems to each other and a way to bring closure. Conflict is not easy but because we don’t allow ourselves to keep the conflict between us we can deal with it and move on together. I feel like that is what we did.

    As always, your support means so much!


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