How do I get him to understand that if he is “mean” to me that I will appreciate it and appreciate his taking control?

 In the world we live in submitting to your husband is just not politically correct. In many ways however I think the reverse, acting as the dominant husband is even more taboo. Our men are taught from an early age that they are to treat women as the equals that we absolutely are. And we are their equals!

 That means that in the PC world they don’t get to call us on our bad behavior. They don’t get to tell us to do things for them. They don’t get to point out when our words or tone have crossed into disrespect. They don’t get to set rules in our home. They don’t get to be in charge. In our PC world there is pretty much no time that they get to do these things.

So what is a good hearted, sincere, caring husband to do when all of the sudden that is exactly what their wife has asked them to do? In any other scenario these behaviors would not only be seen as unacceptable, but would possibly destroy the marriage. These are behaviors that most people would just see as “mean.” And this is without even adding in the spanking and discipline part of Dd.

I know I would have been one of those people.

I am smart and capable and can run our home without his help. Right?

Except I can’t.

I don’t need his guidance to know when I have crossed the line into disrespect. Right?

Except I do.

I don’t need the structure that real rules bring into our house. Right?

Except I do.

I don’t need him to set tasks and timeframes for me. Right?

Except I do.

I need him. I need him to stand with me and lead our home. I need him to put aside how he has been conditioned and be willing to call me out if my tone is hurtful or I am dismissive or I disregard him. I give him permission to do that.

If this dynamic is going to work I need him to do that.

I need to feel his dominance and feel his control so I know there are walls to lean on. For too long we had no walls except the ones we built around ourselves. We were in separate rooms. Now that we have stepped back into the same room I need him to put those walls around me and make them strong so I know that he will keep me there. I need to feel his presence in the room with me and know that he will not let those walls come down.


In order to do this I think he needs to get “mean.” Don’t let me get away with things. Don’t let me charm my way out of anything. Be strict. Be decisive. Decide what my punishment will be and administer that whether I am happy about it in the moment or not. Don’t be lenient. Let me know that the walls are strong and that I am secure.

Of course I have a say and of course I will use it but he is HoH and I need to feel that he takes that role seriously just as I take my submission seriously. The two go together.

I don’t know if I will always have this need to feel his dominance in such a immediate way but as we start our journey I do know that I feel like if his walls are not strong then maybe they are not real and I am still in my own room and that was a pretty lonely place.

I like being in his room sooo much better.

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  1. Yup, get mean and be real consistent with the smallest things for a while. Been there and it increased both of our confidence levels.

    • Zoe

       /  03/04/2012

      I didn’t think about it raising our confidence but that makes sense. Thanks.

  2. I really like your analogies here Zoe. The photo really captured how I have always thought of H trying to use control with me. But there were times when there was an opening in the wall and it just made me feel insecure.
    I like your list too. “except I do” too!
    Not politically correct but so right for some us, as we have discovered.

    • Zoe

       /  03/06/2012

      Thanks so much. Feeling those walls is important and is such a nice change. And you’re right, not politically correct is so right for me.

  3. Right on the money, Zoe!

  4. Zoe

     /  03/26/2012

    Thanks Saoirse. I’m glad you liked it.

  5. Marie

     /  08/14/2012

    We are both prettly oldschool, so it has always been a no-brainer that he wore the pants in the house. He has always held me accountable for my actions, and when I need him to he will put me in line imediatly. This is just how we have developed as partners. I am his equal, completly, and he talks to me about everything, and he knows that whatever he decides I will stand beside him, no matter how I feel about it.
    Punishing me when I need it was a different matter all together however. He had no promblem explaining to me what he refussed to tollerate, and we had no promblem agreeing what is acceptable and what isn’t, but he didn’t just start punishing me, or well spanking and such I suppose, untill I explained to him that I really wanted him to, felt I needed him to, and why I needed him to. When I was intollerable or behaved un-acceptable he would let me know by his tone of voice, eye contact, and words. That would be it. I would feel horrible inside about how I behaved, and that horrible feeling inside would stay there creating more tension between us! So frustrating! I even went as far as attempting to punish myself to rid myself of the feelings I had and help myself to avoid misbehavior in the future!!!! This doesn’t help, don’t try it!!! – Anyway, I suceeded one day in bruising myself doing this, and when he saw the bruise he asked me where it came from. I can’t bear lying to him, never been able to do that, so I explained to him how I caused the bruise, and why, and what I was hoping to accomplish. He just held me, then got real quiet and thought a bit. He told me that if I needed to be punished in the future that he would be the one who did that, and that was the way it’s gonna be. OK. I was NEVER to try to punish myself again, and if I felt I needed to be punished for something that he hadn’t noticed I was to immediatly come to him and explain myself. He agreed with me that things were getting a bit lax around the house and I was ignorring my household chores a bit, so we agreed I would be spanked each week to help remind me to stay on top of everything. Also, the severity of the punishment was always going to be up to him, but if I felt I needed more I should let him know. Crazy, right?! Works though.
    Everyday life went on as normal after that untill the day I raised my voice to him and he silenced me then turned me over his knee! Before I knew it my bottom was being really really reddened and soon enough I had relaxed and started to cry. “You know why I’m doing this, Right?” He asked me, “yes” I answered. After he was done he pulled up my pants, sat me on his lap, and told me that I couldn’t be raising my voice to him like that. My opinions are apreciated, but he will not accept additude or someone yelling at him. I said I know. He asked me if my bottom was sore. I said it was, (and it WAS). He told me that should help me remember if I misbehave again. He never had really accepted my additude in the past either, he just had never spanked me for it before.
    It’s been four years since that spanking and we still get along excellently. I feel at peace with my relationship, and in life in general. It was hard at first, I found myself being punished often and sometimes they are quite hard and long, but I don’t feel horrible inside for days anymore, and that deffinatly was harder and longer.
    thanks again for this blog- I really appreciate being able to share with woman who feel the same as me

    • Zoe

       /  08/24/2012

      Marie thanks so much for sharing your story. I too love that ttwd gives us a way to move past the hurt of disagreement and let go of things. Good luck on your journey.


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