Crying

I don’t cry much during spanking. But I have really been thinking about the few times I have and I think there are similarities.

So far it has not been the pain that has brought me to tears at least not exactly. Yes I have cried because of a particularly hard swat but that is really more because of the surprise of it than the actual pain. Other times the sessions have been pretty intense but it was the sudden change from dealing with the spanking, and him wanting to stop and move on to other activities that has been difficult.

I think for me it has all been about expectations. I go into a spanking session with an expectation of how it will go and those differences can sometimes throw me. If the spanking is suddenly harder than I was expecting or stops while I am really trying to concentrate and get through, and I suddenly have to switch gears, that can cause a real emotional swing and that is what triggers the tears.

Does that make sense to anyone else?

Walls

How do I get him to understand that if he is “mean” to me that I will appreciate it and appreciate his taking control?

 In the world we live in submitting to your husband is just not politically correct. In many ways however I think the reverse, acting as the dominant husband is even more taboo. Our men are taught from an early age that they are to treat women as the equals that we absolutely are. And we are their equals!

 That means that in the PC world they don’t get to call us on our bad behavior. They don’t get to tell us to do things for them. They don’t get to point out when our words or tone have crossed into disrespect. They don’t get to set rules in our home. They don’t get to be in charge. In our PC world there is pretty much no time that they get to do these things.

So what is a good hearted, sincere, caring husband to do when all of the sudden that is exactly what their wife has asked them to do? In any other scenario these behaviors would not only be seen as unacceptable, but would possibly destroy the marriage. These are behaviors that most people would just see as “mean.” And this is without even adding in the spanking and discipline part of Dd.

I know I would have been one of those people.

I am smart and capable and can run our home without his help. Right?

Except I can’t.

I don’t need his guidance to know when I have crossed the line into disrespect. Right?

Except I do.

I don’t need the structure that real rules bring into our house. Right?

Except I do.

I don’t need him to set tasks and timeframes for me. Right?

Except I do.

I need him. I need him to stand with me and lead our home. I need him to put aside how he has been conditioned and be willing to call me out if my tone is hurtful or I am dismissive or I disregard him. I give him permission to do that.

If this dynamic is going to work I need him to do that.

I need to feel his dominance and feel his control so I know there are walls to lean on. For too long we had no walls except the ones we built around ourselves. We were in separate rooms. Now that we have stepped back into the same room I need him to put those walls around me and make them strong so I know that he will keep me there. I need to feel his presence in the room with me and know that he will not let those walls come down.

 

In order to do this I think he needs to get “mean.” Don’t let me get away with things. Don’t let me charm my way out of anything. Be strict. Be decisive. Decide what my punishment will be and administer that whether I am happy about it in the moment or not. Don’t be lenient. Let me know that the walls are strong and that I am secure.

Of course I have a say and of course I will use it but he is HoH and I need to feel that he takes that role seriously just as I take my submission seriously. The two go together.

I don’t know if I will always have this need to feel his dominance in such a immediate way but as we start our journey I do know that I feel like if his walls are not strong then maybe they are not real and I am still in my own room and that was a pretty lonely place.

I like being in his room sooo much better.

Where is the Line?

One of my difficulties with submission is finding the line between asking for him to do what he has told me he will do and feeling like I am nagging him. Where is the line?

 

If he asks me to do something I try hard to do it. Putting our marriage first now means that I do what he asks. I do this for many reasons. I want to please him. I want to make him feel like what is important to him is important to me. It is a sign of respect and obedience. This truly is for emotional more than physical reasons. Sure he has the right to spank if I don’t do as I say I will but more importantly I never want to go back to the place where we act on our own. I don’t want to be independent of him.

 

So what if he is the one who is not doing something that he has said he would do. It is his thing to do, but something that affects us both, or maybe there is information I need but can’t get myself. At what point does asking for the information (again) or asking if he has acted (again) cross the line to nagging? How do I get what I need without it? If I have to type the word “again” doesn’t that necessarily imply nagging. Isn’t nagging itself disrespectful and therefore something he could choose to spank for? So where does that leave me and what am I supposed to do with my own feelings of being disrespected?

 

He just left today on a weeklong business trip. Before he left I did talk to him about this. It actually was kind of an important moment for us I think. We talked and I think he heard me and I am going to do some research to help him make a final decision. I will abide by whatever he decides.

 

It is significant that we were able to discuss this without either of us getting defensive. Before Dd this conversation would have undoubtedly ended in an argument. Because of our agreement, because we have agreed to respect each other we were able to talk. We are both serious about Dd and that means he holds himself to standards at least as high as those he holds me to. Framing the conversation within Dd allowed us to talk without dismissing either of our feelings. I think it gave us each something to lean on.

It’s a real step forward.

Paying Attention

I would like to think that I live my life with a sense of integrity and honesty. I try to treat people with respect and in the way that I would like to be treated. I do not think that this is how I treated Alex for the past several years.

 

During the years that we pushed away from each other I do not think my behavior was constructive, kind, or acceptable. To be fair we were both acting like that. We were snippy and disrespectful if we bothered to communicate at all. I often felt that what I thought was important was not important to him and I didn’t really care what he wanted either. I often felt invisible.

 

 One of the most unexpected and powerful gifts that this lifestyle has brought to us is what feels like an almost miraculous change to that reality. I feel that it is impossible to live like this without attention to each other. If he is going to hold me accountable to my promises and responsibilities to him and our marriage he must be paying attention to me. If he is going to decide what rules and structures we are going to live by he must care about that structure and pay attention that the rules are followed. If he is going to set standards, he must meet those standards himself and care enough to hold me to those expectations.

 

 In our relationship, that means that he can discipline me if those expectations are not met. That is a huge responsibility and one that he is still coming to terms with. I suppose we could do this without punishment but I think that it would be much easier to fall into old patterns and behaviors. Relationships are hard work and take constant vigilance. When everything is new and exciting it is not so hard to pay attention but as time passes standards relax and wane. Knowing that he will not let that happen, knowing that he will impose physical discipline if necessary gives each of us a reason to notice. He knows that if I have let something slide that something is wrong and he must bring me back to him. I know that if he is not doing that, I have the right to ask for the structures to be maintained.

 

 I spent a lot of time not caring what he wanted. The fact that today I judge my actions by whether or not he will like what I do is such an immense change. Today I find myself judging my actions by considering what his impressions of them will be. I make the bed in the morning because it makes him happy. I make sure to pick up and clean around the house because it is important to him to live in an organized space. That is hard for me and takes real effort because that is not often my top priority. But it has become so. It has become important to me to make him feel secure and I have to say that our house has never looked better. I don’t do this because he will punish. We have no real rules about this. I do this as a gesture of respect and caring.

 

 This is a change of mind and heart for me. I pay attention to his desires and he pays attention to my actions and we (hopefully) move forward together.

Our Journey

It is so weird to me to be writing a blog on Dd, in fact I never really thought about having a blog on any topic. But I guess that is just one more unexpected and interesting thing that this new lifestyle has brought into my life.

Right or wrong Alex and I found ourselves in a marriage that could easily have ended in divorce. The power struggles between us had pushed us so far apart that we had both quit trying. There was no fighting or bickering, there was just coexistence often with little or no communication.

The distance between us finally got so great that I knew things had to change in a big way or we would not survive. I knew that I had an interest in spanking but had never really explored that side of myself and had never confided this to Alex. I started by doing some research and initially brought it up to revitalize our nonexistent love life. The change was immediate. Our happiness and communication improved as we opened up to each other in all aspects of our life.

My research eventually brought me to Dd blogs and I was intrigued. The idea appealed to me on many levels and much of the change we were experiencing was because I had already given over control to him on an informal basis. I began to see how beneficial a submissive mindset was for the happiness in our home and so I asked him if he would formalize this dynamic. He would become the one Head of Household and I would submit to his decisions. He agreed. 

I think the way we approached bringing spanking into our life allowed him to “practice’’ with erotic spanking and get comfortable with that. He and I both believe that hitting a woman is abuse but we came to see that spanking is not abuse and that it is something that I want and desire.But Domestic Disciple also brings in the aspect of punishment and I came to see that as something I needed in our spanking relationship too. Punishment brings an emotional aspect and structure that allows me to further explore a submissive side I don’t ever think I knew was there and allows me to follow his lead which I have come to see as a real gift.

 I have a degree in Marketing and spent the first few years of our marriage working. I have been a stay-at-home mom since my now 19-year-old son was born. During that time we have made several moves for his job both here in the US and overseas. We have raised three amazing kids by making sure that whatever they needed to be successful was available. Our kids have gone to many different kinds of schools both public and private including homeschooling for a time. We have also parented our son though a significant learning disability and made sure that he attended a school to help him deal with that. The effort and decisions that were needed to make that all happen took most of my time and energy but it has paid off. Our daughter attends one of the Ivy’s, our son is at one of the top public universities in America and our youngest will also be able to attend the school of her choice.

 I am smart and capable and honestly can handle my life without guidance but I have come to appreciate how comforting it is to allow myself to lean on him. This journey has already been surprising in so many ways and I look forward to the revelations to come.