New Year Old Us

I’m writing again. I’m writing again. If I say it and do it enough I hope it will be an “I think I can! I think I can!” and then an “I knew I could! I knew I could!” kind of thing.

Anyway, like I said before, hello. It feels good to typing again.

Let me tell you a little about the me of 2016. I’m still here and I would love to say that we are going great gangbusters in our Dominance and submission but you know this is about being true and frankly our dynamic is a bit lacking lately. For reasons mostly having to do with privacy and time we have been pretty vanilla of late.

I wish I didn’t need his Dominance so much. I wish I could give him submission all the time and at the same level as I want to even when we are vanilla and busy and I’m not getting Dominance from him. I have thought so much about this. I want to do things for other people. I want to make other’s lives easier especially for my family and most especially for my husband. When I am open and giving and focused on doing everything I can to smooth the way for him it makes me truly happy.

I don’t know why I am wired this way but I am. It took me a long time to recognize it and a long time to put a name to it but I am a submissive. Not out in the world and not as my public persona at all but in my home and with my husband I want to be his help. He does so much for me and for our family. I hope I have said this before, but I will say it now. He truly is the best man I know. He deserves my devotion. He deserves my best.

I wish I were strong enough to always give it but I do need his help to allow that submissive side to come out, and more importantly, to stay out.

I need him. I need to feel his presence. I need to feel structure and walls and limits. I so like the safety I feel in rules. I like knowing where the line is and that he is watching. I like the visibility of rules. And while I don’t like punishments themselves I do need punishment.

I have thought so much about this and I think that is really what it boils down to for me. In order to punish someone you must care. It is a very active thing. You have to set the boundaries, pay attention to the behavior and then actively get involved by taking action when punishing.

You cannot be passive and punish.

For me it is not so much about the spanking itself but about the time, attention, effort, resolve, and commitment that he must demonstrate in order to punish. And it doesn’t have to be spanking. It can be time out, corner time, lines, really anything he comes up with. The point is for me, that he took the time to notice and then had the fortitude to impose himself on me.

As I write this I feel my grown woman modern self cringing. In many ways I don’t know that I will ever loose that struggle of wanting this kind of discipline and attention even in our modern world. I know it is not PC, but that doesn’t diminish this want and need in me.

So I will say it again. I want and need his rules and more importantly his punishments. I want and need his rules and MOST IMPORTANTLY his punishments. I don’t think I have a spanking kink as much as I have a punishment kink.

The problem for me and for us comes in that implementation. Even after 4 years of this we are at different levels. I want and need this so much more than him. I just do. So there’s the struggle. There are so many times that I would punish me if I were in charge. I would not put up with some of the things I do and definitely some of the things I say and how I say them. When I start to feel like that my submission and my doing things for him with a happy and humble heart really diminish. I wish I could say I was stronger than that but I can’t. I need to feel him actively participating. It is a constant struggle.

Anyway, I think that might be a good start for writing again. Admitting your issues is always a big start I hope.

I need his attention and for me that means punishments. I will show him this latter. It is nothing he hasn’t heard before but maybe it will stick this time.

image

 

What Is It About Corner Time?

On the sidebar of my blog there is a list of popular posts and pages. Somehow a post I wrote well over one year ago stays on that list day in and day out. It is the post I wrote entitled Corner Time.  In it I wrote about our first experience with corner time and how it made me feel childish. At the time it was new to both of us which I think intensified whatever feeling I had about it.

We have grown a lot since then and corner time is still something he will incorporate from time to time. We don’t have a really defined punishment or maintenance ritual for that matter so I really never know when it will be thrown into the mix but if he does it usually means that he is planning a pretty serious session. And I guess that is the point. It is an escalation. It adds time to the session and time to think about what we are doing and why we are there.

It is also a submission exercise of sorts because at the end of the day there is nothing keeping me there but me. He has decided to put me there and I stay.

It is not always serious though. Sometimes he does it for him. I know sometimes I am there just because he felt like putting me there and likes the view. 😉

None of these things are new or different really to what others have said about corner time. What I find interesting is how many people find it interesting too. Is it tied to a greater need and searching for structure and discipline. Is it a D/s thing? Is it just kink or curiosity? Just some of my musings this fine Friday morning.

mommy's time out

Wine might make it better!

Freedom

He just came in and pointed to the bedroom. I knew. I knew that I had broken his rules about his car and it was deserved. It was a quick, sharp reminder to follow the rules. He said if I do it again it will be double. I believe him.

So why do I find myself sitting here with a stingy behind and a smile on my face? It seems such contradiction but it’s true.

When I think about it though I know why.

I like our rules. I like knowing what is important to him and when he is decisive and immediate in enforcing them I know he takes this all seriously.

We spent much of the summer in what I called Dd light. Little privacy meant little ability to enforce our rules. Now that things are back to a more predictable schedule we have both agreed that things that were allowed to slide will not be anymore and that he expects a higher level of compliance. We both welcome this change.

Here’s the thing. Rather than feeling limiting, our rules, our structure give me freedom. I know many would not understand that but it is how I feel. We all have choices to make throughout our day and far too often it is the easy choice that gets made instead of the right choice.

When he makes rules I trust that he has my best interests at heart. He will not always get it right and neither will I but with love and sincere intention we will make progress. If I then disobey him and he provides consequences that builds my trust in him.

When he makes a decision he is taking the decision away from me by making it for me. For example, I don’t have to think about whether or not to exercise because he has already made that choice for me. If I make a different choice then I know he will deal with it. If he really imposes certain rules and behaviors he frees me up to not think about whether to do it or not. By following his will I am “free” to ignore the excuses in my own mind about exercise. Rather than being limiting, when done with care, and love and intention, this is incredibly liberating.

If I know that he means what he says then I am free to give in to his will and give him my submission. If I can trust his Dominance I can really explore my submission. His Dominance allows me to give that to him and grow in my submission.

Because we have this agreement I am “free”  to be always open to him even when I am tired and might not otherwise want to. Many would scoff at the idea of never being “allowed” to say no. For me though it “allows” me to truly show him how important he is to me.

I can submit to things in and out of the bedroom that I might not have been willing to try before because I know he expects it. There is such freedom for me in that.

That is a really important point I think and one the two of us at least had not discussed very much until now. I feel freedom in my submission.

only by

Trying To Figure It Out

Usually when we spank it is for maintenance with a little bit of paintenance thrown in to address whatever needs to be addressed. Sometimes it is pretty light and playful, sometimes it is long and hard. Most of the time it ends up being what I need and we both feel better.

But what if I don’t know what I need or I just don’t feel better? I have felt like he didn’t spank enough before but that was not the case yesterday. It was probably the hardest we have done and yet when it was over I was nowhere near my happy, cuddly, submissive place. It is not that he didn’t spank hard enough or long enough this time. It is that I was walled up and I’m not sure any amount of spanking was going to change that. I was grumpy when he was done but not really at him. Just grumpy. I have never really come out of a spanking and felt that way. I wanted him to stop and I didn’t want to try again.

The tone of the session is very important and it was off for me. Even though the session was hard the mood was not very serious. He didn’t really lecture much and tried to joke around some. The spanking was serious and the tone more playful. Maybe that was it. They didn’t match. I don’t know.

I don’t want to criticize how he does things. They are his decisions to make. I need to let go of the thoughts in my head that question whether he spanks or not and how he spanks. I need to stop second guessing and thinking “If I were HoH I would…” There was definitely some of that going on in my head and I think that was the bigger issue with my grumpiness. But it is not my decision to make. I know that but that is so hard.

There are times especially with behavior, or sass, or grumpiness that I know I would not let me get away with something and I don’t think from what I read other HoH’s would either. It is then that I question and wonder. Why does he let me behave like that? How do I get to a place where  I accept his decision gracefully in my heart and head?

Elysia had a post called His Decision yesterday that really spoke to me. We had just finished and I as trying to process how I felt and her post really moved my thinking to a new place.

In her post she said, “Just because there is no action does not mean that there was no effort to make the decision.” Wow what a thought. That is something I don’t think I ever really appreciated or considered. No action does not equal no decision. He chooses how he reacts or doesn’t and if I trust him to be the leader of our home I have to trust that is what he is doing; leading and choosing not to act.

That will be a good thing to talk with him about. I bet that is what he will say he is doing. Maybe I need him to do a better job of communicating that to me directly at least for awhile. Maybe I need him to acknowledge  my bad behavior  directly so I know he noticed. I don’t need or want punishment all the time but knowing that he notices would help.

Also in her post she said “I need to be able to accept Henry’s decisions about discipline in my actions but also in my heart and in my head.” That is exactly it! I need to learn to do this. If I have truly given him the power to discipline than I have to accept that I have also given him the power to not discipline or to discipline in whatever way he chooses.

life begins

Outward submission has gotten easier for me. Follow the rules.Do what I need to do. Take care of what needs to be taken care of. Even be respectful and keep my attitude in check most of the time. But when the sassy demon comes out and he doesn’t react I wonder. I still can’t help second guessing and I battle with my thoughts. It is the inner battles that I need to learn to let go of, the second guessing, the disappointment when things don’t go like I think they should or how I would do them. Those are not my decisions to make and that part for me is hard and will take some real work. I need to trust that he has a reason behind his decisions and that he is in fact actively in control. There are so many layers to submitting and learning to submit.

I think practicing “self talk” as Elysia says is something I need to do more of and it will help me get there. I need to stop the talk I do in my head that wonders and questions and “talk” myself into trusting and believing in my heart and head in his actions, in his decisions and in his leadership.

Best Laid Plans

Plans. They can get us every time.

Cat plan

My last post dealt with how life can and has gotten in the way of our doing Dd in what felt like a natural way.

Wednesday we did get to do maintenance and it was good. It had been awhile and there were a few issues to “discuss” so it was a little more like paintenance than maintenance. Like many I like leather way more than wood and he only used wood. Not as long and hard as real punishment but definitely attention getting.

We were both really looking forward to Friday. Our daughter was leaving for an overnight school trip which meant that we would have a whole day and night of together time. I don’t know what he was planning but I do know he was planning. I love it when he plans.

Enter winter. Enter life.

We live in the South. One thing you must know about the South is that ANY frozen precipitation leaves everyone here paralyzed. The stores fill up with people buying food, TV stations do live feeds from home improvement stores selling de-icer and snow shovels and schools cancel before a drop of snow or ice falls from the sky. This is all for a storm that will be in and out of the area in about 12 hours.

Granted the precipitation was ice and that is scary but you won’t run out of milk and bread in a 12 hour storm when the temps the next day will be in the 50s. It makes me laugh. But I digress.

The trip got canceled. I’m not sure who was more disappointed. My daughter or me. Not only did it mean she missed a trip she was really looking forward to but possibly more important to her it meant that she had homework to do and quizzes to take that she thought she was free of. Pretty comical actually. And of course so much for our plans.

I called Alex and told him. He just sighed heavily and that said it all for both of us. No playtime. No maintenance. No plans.

Now I really try to live by a philosophy of “it is what it is.” Things happen and you can’t really change that so you have to live within the parameters you are given at the time. Winter happens and things get canceled because of that. Getting all stressed out about that doesn’t really help anyone. That’s the theory anyway.

Even though I try it doesn’t always work that way.

I was grumpier than I should have been with both Alex and our daughter. He knew I was disappointed so he gave me some slack but I eventually pushed too many buttons. I actually questioned how he would handle a behavior that we were reading about on another blog and (I can’t really believe I did this) I said I didn’t think he would handle it. Well the next thing I knew I was in the bedroom, in the corner half dressed, and lectured about follow through and expectations, how he knew I was disappointed but I couldn’t take it out on him, etc. She was right up stairs so spanking wasn’t an option but he got his point across.

The thing is I was calmer after that. We snuggled and I apologized and he forgave me.

Why do I do that? His night was ruined too but he wasn’t acting like a brat. I fully admit that I try to not let things I can’t change bother me and yet… oh well.

Anyway we got through the night and I was better yesterday. We had no plans for any connection time so of course what happened? Our daughter spent most of the afternoon and evening with a friend so we ended up with several hours alone sans daughter. We got to do maintenance. We got some playtime and we watched a movie together. It was really nice.

So what is my take away?

Plan a-z

Go back to my original philosophy. Work within the parameters I am given and try not to get too stressed if plans change because they can just as easily change in my favor as against me.

Be patient.

Oh and don’t second guess Alex’s resolve unless I want to find myself on the receiving end of a punishment with my nose in a corner. (I really need to remember that one.) 🙂

Take Your Medicine

Take your Medicine:

It’s an idiom meaning you accept the consequences of something you have done wrong. You accept your punishment.

When we are sick we often have to do things that are not pleasant at the time but in the end make us feel better and help us to heal. Cough medicine often tastes terrible. Shots that deliver vaccines or healing drugs hurt and no one really likes getting them. But we do it because we know that the benefits of taking the shot or that nasty tasting liquid outweigh whatever temporary discomfort they may bring.

I have been thinking about Dd like this, especially the punishments. Even as a spanko I do not enjoy a true punishment spanking. It is a bit like medicine. Spankings hurt. It is hard sometimes to stay in position and accept a hard spanking. It is hard to know that I have disappointed him and to hear him lecture and tell me so. And I think it is hard for him to do those things as well.

We do them anyway because we know that we are a stronger and better couple because of it. We know we are better with Dd than without.

Knowing all of that doesn’t make it easy though.

When we first started Dd and he started to set up rules for our household there was one thing that happened occasionally around here that absolutely drove him crazy. Every once in awhile the garage door would get left up either at night or when no one was at home and we all know that is not safe at all. It didn’t happen often but when it did it was almost always my fault and so that became one of our first rules. The garage door is to be down all the time and it is my responsibility to make sure that it is. No excuses. No passes. If there is something that I know he will punish for absolutely, it is that. It didn’t take long for me to get the message and I had not been punished for this for many months.

The thing about this rule is that most of the time if I mess up he doesn’t know it. He’s gone a lot so if I slip up it is me who discovers the error. He would never know that I left the door up accidentally when I ran to the store unless I confessed it to him. If I kept my mouth shut I would not have to “take my medicine.”

Last Friday I did leave the door up just like I described. I ran out to the store and when I got back there it was. The door up and no one home. My stomach just sank. He had been gone all week and I had gotten a lot accomplished. I was feeling good about everything and had done nothing in a while to earn a punishment so when I saw the door up I wasn’t happy. I knew this meant that his homecoming was going to have to include something that neither of us really like to do.

The idea of not telling him flitted through my head for a moment. If I didn’t tell he wouldn’t know. But I knew I just couldn’t do that. I had to tell. I had to because not telling would eat away at our agreement and would undermine what we are trying to do. I knew he would spank but I knew that I had to face it and accept it if I was going to be true to this and to us.

He came home and we reconnected with a fun, playful spanking and then when we were snuggling together I confessed.  His reaction was exactly like I thought it would be. Disappointed and resolute. We both knew what it meant. Because of timing he didn’t punish me until Saturday but punish me he did. Not fun or easy but over and done with.

We talked about it later and I asked him about confessing to something that he really would never find out about otherwise. I know I would feel badly knowing that I had done something that I had not confessed but what did he think about it given that he then had to shift his thinking and actions to something that he wasn’t expecting or probably wanted to have to do. I loved his answer. He said that when I have the courage and integrity to confess it shows him how seriously I take this and makes him even more committed to following through on his end. He knows it isn’t easy to tell him something that I know will mean a real punishment spanking but he said he respects me all the more because I do. The medicine brings healing to us both.

So…

That all is great and I was and am feeling all warm and fuzzy about how things turned out on the weekend. Dd in action, working and bringing us together.

Alex is away on a business trip again,  but this time (and this almost never happens) he is away at a fun place and the kids are all sorted out so I get to join him! I leave tomorrow and will spend 5 days laying on a beach and spending some quality time just the two of us (when he isn’t at his conference during the day.) We’re both so excited. Some play time. Some relaxing time. And unfortunately now probably some punishment time.

Can’t believe it. Can’t imagine I did it. I’m really kind of incredulous but when we got home last night after a school function with my daughter and I pulled into the driveway and the garage door was up. My neighbor had been walking behind the car as I was pulling out and I was trying not to hit him and I guess I was distracted and didn’t shut the door. Again.

It felt like a mixture between…

and…

I haven’t done this in months and now twice in four days! Not good. So not good. He doesn’t even know yet. He will find out when I read him this post later today. I just can’t not tell him, no matter the consequences. It will almost certainly be worse than the first punishment because he is having to repeat it and so soon after. I don’t want him to have to punish while we are away but I couldn’t do that to him. Heavy sigh. Heavy sigh.

I have been planning this post since early in the weekend and in fact the first part was written before I left the door up last night. I never expected to have to end it like this but maybe that’s appropriate. I didn’t think I would be talking about taking my medicine and the healing it brings in such an immediate way but there you go. It will be yucky and painful but I will feel so much better and all healed after.

Sun, sand, and spanking. Quite a combination.

Talking about Rituals

Humans are often creatures of habit. We tend to like the familiar and and take comfort in it. We drive to work a certain way, frequent the same stores over and over, buy the same products, make the same meals, etc. because those things are familiar and bring us comfort.

Rituals do that for us. A ritual is a customary way of operation or behavior. It is an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner. They allow us to predict how something will be. Change can be stressful and rituals help keep that stress in check.

Lillian recently wrote a post about her rituals in spanking and wondered whether others used a ritual when they do ttwd. It is something I have been thinking about lately. It is also something that we have been discussing because itis something I wish we had more of especially for punishments.

We don’t have a prescribed ritual either for maintenance or for punishment but that is not to say that we don’t follow certain patterns. Most often for either I am bent over our bed or over his leg with my upper body resting on the bed. I like having the feeling of support and feeling grounded to something. I do like being over the bed and holding onto the pillow really does help me stay in position and keeps me from reaching back.

It depends how much he talks to me during a spanking. During maintenance he may not talk too much. He will lecture when he needs too though and always makes sure I know what a punishment is for. Often our conversation comes later after we are done. We have had some great conversations after a session.

We have talked about developing a set punishment place/position. If we had a routine it  might make the situation seem more serious. Because we do maintenance and playful spankings too, a specific spot/position for punishment might really help both of us get into the right headspace for punishment. He knows all this and has indicated that he likes the idea.

He can be pretty creative when he wants to be and that can include in how he chooses to spank and so even if we get to the point that we have more structured scenarios I still think he will throw things in to keep me on my toes.

It takes time to figure all this stuff out. In the scheme of things we have not been doing this that long, really only for about 8 months. We are different now than we were back then and I am sure we will be different 8 months from now. I learn from him and he learns from me. He learns what works and what doesn’t. We experiment and keep some things and reject others. As we find what works we refine our rituals and with luck and persistence move forward.

I don’t know if we will ever get to the point that he does the same thing all the time but I do know that as he learns more about what works and what doesn’t he will do those things that make this thing we do work best for us.

His Mess Up

What do you do when your guy is…. well… a guy?

I am not trying to man bash here but there are times that things come out of his mouth that are just insensitive and hurtful and he didn’t even necessarily mean for it to be so. The next thing you know I am hurt and he is backpedaling and everything feels wrong.

The problem had to due with something that was very special and important to me and him not remembering it. It was something that I really feel like he should have remembered and when he didn’t I kind of lost it. I cried. I was so sad. He said he was sorry but it just felt lousy.

Today is a very important day for him. His company president and several other big shots are in town to tour a facility and make client calls. He has been working hard to get ready for the visit which causes more stress than usual so I am trying to be understanding. He has a lot going on right now and a lot on his mind so I know that that could not have helped. Add to that the fact that it was late when we were talking and the poor guy was probably doomed before we ever started talking. He even acknowledged last night that it was a very guy thing to do.

I get all that and I am mostly OK with it now. I know that he never meant to hurt me like he did. He wants to make it up to me but I really don’t know what to tell him to do. I told him last night that I did know that if I ever said anything to him to make him feel that badly I would deserve a major punishment. This morning before he left he apologized again which was nice. Maybe I will let him pamper me a bit and take me out to dinner.

It is not that I want to punish him but he did mess up. He knows it and I know it. Now I just have to move on. I somehow get the feeling that at least a stress relief spanking is going to be needed to help me move past this. Does that make any sense?

Yes it is time to move on.

Corner Time

I don’t know how everyone else feels about it but being put in the corner during our last punishment was a very emotional experience and one that has had me thinking all week.

I had never been put in a corner before our last punishment session. It is something that we had talked about and something that I thought he might incorporate into ttwd but he had never done it. He has sat me on the side of the bathtub before but never in the corner with my bare behind on display.

When he sits me down it is for the same reason as corner time but he often closes the door and leaves me there for awhile. I am alone and in some ways it is a relief. The tub is cool which is nice and it is quiet. He never leaves for very long so I don’t get anxious or lonely.

Corner time wasn’t long either but it had a completely different affect on me. I really don’t know another time I felt more childish and vulnerable than when he first put me there. Part of it may have been that he took me completely by surprise when he did it. He brought me over to that side of the room, pulled my skirt down, placed me there, and stepped away. I could hear him moving around the room but couldn’t see him and being on display was very humbling. It is the thing we have done that has made me feel my submission the strongest.

I think it is fair to say that we are both spankos, me probably more than him, but we both enjoy it. If we didn’t have a Dd relationship there would continue to be spanking in our lives so spanking, for me has adult connections. Even when he punishes me with spanking I think that because we do this as adults it does not affect me in the same way.

Children are put in corners, not adults. We don’t play around with corner time like we play around with spanking. It felt childish because it is childish. Knowing he could see me and I couldn’t see him also made me much more sensitive to his presence.

In many ways it is the most powerful thing he has done. I truly didn’t expect to feel his power and my submission so fully in that act. It took me completely by surprise and took much more strength for me to stand there than I ever thought it would.

I explained a little of this to Alex and he was surprised but pleased I think. I’m sure it won’t be the last time he uses it. This journey has not ceased to amaze.

Submissive Thoughts

This submission thing can be tough.

Some days it seems easy for me and then other times I have a harder time staying within our agreed to bounds. I don’t ever want to push limits on purpose and I mean it… and then I want to do something that I know he has said I can’t and I feel the frustration, I feel the limit.

For the most part I do pretty well. I understand and accept our roles and feel centered by what we are doing. And then I come up against the limit. Most of the time I’m good and then sometimes not so much. Add to that having to fess up when I have broken a rule and if I don’t suddenly I have broken two and am really in trouble.

This is where we found ourselves yesterday and unfortunately not for the first time. (I know Susie, I’m a Noodlehead.) I shouldn’t have been there. But I was. This shouldn’t be hard. His rules are really reasonable but I must ask to do some things and that is not always easy or practical. Rule broken. No fessing up. Noodlehead.

So I have been thinking about this all day today. I asked for these limits. I brought this to him. This was my idea. I want to be submissive and feel his dominance. One of the reasons the rule is in place is specifically to test my submission.

Am I testing, not to be bratty per se or to be in trouble but to see his reaction and test his follow through?Maybe that’s it. Is it a form of growing pains? Is this normal? Sometimes I feel like I am testing myself as much as him. Like I said, this was my idea so if I don’t live up to our agreement aren’t I letting myself down as much or more than him? Can I stay within our limits and submit? So many thoughts and questions.

One thing I do know is that being in this Dd relationship, whatever my mental gymnastics at the moment feels right and special somehow. It’s a secret that only we get to know. It feels like a privilege to do this, to be able to be his, to act in a way that makes him happy and makes him proud. And maybe that is my answer. Maybe just letting myself acknowledge these feelings of confusion surrounding my submission but ultimately embrace how special this makes me feel is enough.  I’ll never be perfect but my submission makes me happy.

I hope all this makes sense. Sometimes just letting my thoughts out through my fingertips makes me aware of things I didn’t even know were there and leaves me feeling empowered. But still…

This submission thing can be tough.

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