March Madness

We had a rough weekend. Our daughter was out at a movie and Alex and I were happily settled in to watch the Final Four basketball games Saturday night. We are big sports fans in our house and like many, when teams we care about are playing in high stakes games emotions run high.

For those who are not from the US, March (and early April) are huge here for college basketball. Sixty-eight of the best teams in the country play in a tournament all month to crown the eventual National Champion. These college kids play their hearts out and it is so much fun to watch. It is one of our favorite times of the sporting year.

Anyway… the emotions were high and the stakes were high and before I knew it a request to stay calm and an unhappy exchange about how I communicated it to him and we were both very upset with each other. I was mad. He was mad. We basically went to bed mad.

On Sunday we talked and seemed to come to an understanding. I apologized and so did he. Even so, after we were done talking I was unsure about where we stood. Like I said, we had both made mistakes and I wasn’t sure with how we left it whether he was spanking for it or not. Since we are still pretty new to this he struggles to discipline when there are mistakes on both sides (which I truly appreciate.) We would not be alone until the next day so any spanking would be postponed until then anyway.

The uncertainty was getting to me so later that night I told him I didn’t know where we stood and the next thing I knew we were arguing about the original problem again. Long story short we went to bed mad again. I hate that.

By the morning we had both calmed down. He came to me and told me that he had errands to run but when he came back we would sit down and talk. It wasn’t a request. This time we really talked. I told him why I felt so hurt and he heard me and understood. We both felt heard.

He was so sweet. The first thing he said to me was that he was really trying. It just melted me. Work is full of stress right now and I don’t want to add to that stress. He told me some of the issues at work but at the end of the list he said that I was his priority. Wow. Again, just melt.

We had lunch and then we did maintainence. By the time we actually got to the spanking we had talked so much that the need to punish had been superseded by the need to reconnect. It was part bringing us back together from a very fractured weekend, part putting each of us back in our roles, and a little bit punishment for all the hard feelings. When we were done we had found a way to work our way back together.

I went to him and thanked him for following through. We spent a weekend both feeling like we were in our separate rooms again and came out on the other side both feeling better understood and closer.

Dd has given us the tools, the framework and the commitment to not allow a few misplaced words to escalate into long running hard feelings. Thank goodness.

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  1. I just happened across your blog form a few others I read. Hope you don’t mind a lurker!

    • Zoe

       /  04/04/2012

      Welcome Emi J! I am so happy you stopped by and I hope you stop back often. Nice to meet you and I will stop by your blog too. It is always good to meet new friends.

  2. Yup, ttwd opens us up, we all communicate better once we realize that we’ve hurt each other. We hear each other and the ensuing spanking is exactly like what you said–more of a reconnect than a punishment. I ‘know’ what my role is but when I get out of it a little, helping me get back there gives me all sorts of feelings of security.

    • Zoe

       /  04/05/2012

      Hi Susie. You’re right. I did end up with feelings of security. It is such a change from before when we would have just been mad and stayed mad. Now we both feel more confident that we can use ttwd to fix things because we have seen it in action and it really worked well.

      I never want to fight with him but at least I know that if we do get out of sorts neither of us will allow it to stay that way. So much better.

  3. It’s pretty amazing really, isn’t it? I’m glad that the two of you found your way back to each other and reconnected. 🙂

  4. This is just so wonderful to read Zoe, and it’s exactly why I’m a big fan of Maintenance. Sometimes “an all out punishment” just doesn’t seem right. But the little bit of punishment that can be mixed in with playing out roles with a spanking, can alleviate that little pang of guilt and bad feelings that we have from such disagreements. It just sets things right, so you can start fresh.
    I agree, it’s hard living with the uncertainty at times.
    Alex really understands his part well, and that must make you feel wonderful! And him too! 🙂

  5. Zoe

     /  04/08/2012

    Yes. A reconnection was just what it was and you’re right, an all out punishment was not right but we both felt like a spanking was in order. Having this tool in our marriage has made all the difference.


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