Car Talk

Sometimes I read on other’s blogs how they are trying Dd for a few months and then will decide if it is working for them. In their journeys they feel they have something to go back to without Dd. That is not how I see this for us. I have not ever seen what we are doing as a trial period.

We had been living separate lives in the same home for years. We both stayed for a variety of reasons, we both take our vows seriously and neither of us wanted to break up our family. Our kids are happy and doing very well so disrupting their lives was not something we were willing to do. His job has caused us to move quite a few times and each time we disrupt their lives. They had dealt with enough of that. We weren’t going to add to it. As disconnected as we were actually taking the step to divorce was not on the table. Yet. We are three years from an empty nest. Once all the kids were out of the house I don’t think we could have made it.

One of our good friends left her husband at the beginning of last summer. I knew they were not particularly happy but watching her breakup woke me up. In so many ways I could see us in them. I could see myself in her remarks about her relationship. She was bored, didn’t communicate with him, but unlike us, she wanted to get out before she was left with an empty nest. She said the thought of having to spend time with him alone was more than she could take. It made me so sad and scared me. She left him and they never talked. She moved out and they never discussed their problems.

I was terrified. We didn’t talk. We didn’t communicate. I could foresee a time when one of us just left. My oldest was horrified by how our friends were acting. How could they just leave each other and not even try to tell each other what was wrong and at least try to work things out, she wondered. She thought they were being ridiculous. But that was kind of where we were. Even if we eventually found that we couldn’t work out our problems, I couldn’t just let what was happening to them happen to us. I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t do that to any of my children.

We were fractured and broken and we were not going to make it. He had left for a trip with hardly a word. I didn’t really know where he was going and I didn’t exactly  know what day he would be back.

The week before when he came back from a different trip the house was a mess. I am ashamed to admit it but as I look back I think it was an unconscious show of defiance. Kind of a -if you’re not going to take care of me, I’m not going to take care of you – type thing. I had had enough.

I started researching spanking and by the time he was back I was ready to shake things up. I started by opening up sexually. I guess you could say I attacked him. That hadn’t happened in a very long time. We had played around with erotic spanking throughout our marriage and that first time we came back together before I had ever brought it up yet he spanked a little. That gave me the courage to forge ahead.

We took our son to college that weekend and our daughter was spending the night at a friend’s house. We spent the time in the car coming home with me trying to find the words to explain how I wanted to bring real spanking into our lives. That was rough but there is something about being stuck in a car together that helps us find the words. We can’t leave. There are no distractions. It’s just us and the conversation.

And so it began. We played. We spanked. We experimented. We broke kitchen implements. We had lots of fun. It was a night we won’t forget and was a night that  gave us a solid foundation for what has come since.

We opened up and let each other in. Over the next few months I continued my research, opened up to him sexually and took baby steps toward changing our dynamic.

One of the best things to happen was discovering Sara’s blog at findingsara. I really can’t thank her and Grant enough. I was a champion lurker and read her entire archive. Her eloquent, thoughtful description of Dd and its effect on her marriage allowed me to see how this could be a viable option for us. There were many differences but also striking similarities and I realized that Dd would give us the tools to continue the progress we had already made.

Like her and so many other amazing couples who share their journeys through their blogs I feel like our marriage is on the line. We are not coming from a place of an OK marriage we want to make better. We are coming from a broken marriage that we are rebuilding from the ground up. I never want to go back to where we were before. I never want our children to again live in a house with parents who are so disconnected.

Interestingly, it was on another car trip to pick up our daughter from school before Christmas that we had our big talk about truly incorporating Dd into our lives, how it might work, what some of the issues might look like. Another conversation in another car that changed so much. And so it began again…

This is not a trial run.

Next Post
Leave a comment


  1. It’s interesting the paths that life takes us on sometimes, isn’t it? And sometimes we just go along for the ride and other times we are more decisive, for instance when changing directions. As you know, Michael and I have been struggling a bit lately. We didn’t start dd thinking that we were simply trying it out or that this was merely a trial run. However, life has thrown some obstacles in our way and we need to take a little time to consider what is best for us at this juncture. As we change and grow, sometimes a change of course is necessary. What does this mean for us regarding dd? I don’t know yet, but the important part to me is that Michael and I are taking this journey together, wherever it leads us. I’m glad that you and Alex are in a much better place these days. That’s really wonderful! 🙂

    • Zoe

       /  04/16/2012

      I actually thought a lot when I posted this about your recent posts and how I am sure you feel(felt) this way too. I wrote this about two weeks ago and didn’t post it until now. Since then you put your posts up. It does make me realize that none of us knows the future so I know that things could always change for us as well. Sharing your journey made me look at mine and gives me reason to be even more diligent with our relationship. Thanks for that.

      I do know that if we ever do feel we need to change the dynamic in the future the work we do to show each other respect and be open and honest in our communication with each other can never change and go back to the way it was before. I truly hope that whether you continue to use Dd or some form of it, you can maintain the progress that you and Michael have made together. It sounds like you are. Like you said, you are taking this journey together.

      And thanks Grace. It is wonderful right now.

  2. We also came to this “in trouble” and when we officially started we knew quickly that that we weren’t going back. If we didn’t change the whole dynamic of our relationship and have M take the leadership role, I would constantly be fighting him for it. Spanking is a tool that works like magic in keeping that dynamic in it’s right place.

    If all the walls could talk and a tally could be made, I wonder how many of us would credit Sara and Grant for helping them find their way “sanely” through all of this? I can’t even fathom a guess but it would be many!

  3. Zoe

     /  04/16/2012

    It is amazing how quickly we went from in trouble to working together and being happy.

    And you are so right. I’m sure the tally for those who were helped by Grant and Sara would be huge. Please know that yours is one of the blogs that has helped me on my journey and to find my way. Thanks!

  4. I don’t know if we came into this ‘in trouble’, but something about holding someone you love on the kitchen floor while they lay in a fetal position crying incoherently because her husband walked out after more than twenty-five years, leaves an impression. I had to start to think about what life would be after the last one left the house. I went into our marriage not on a trial basis, but for life, I didn’t want to lose it. So implementing change needed to not be a trial either, it had to be a committment just as strong as the one we made the day we married. Did we know it would work…well, the alternative was not so appealing. We’re still working on it, tweaking it to meet our needs and fit us. So far we are incredibly happy. I guess we’re staying the course.
    Thanks for sharing your story. It is amazing how many similarities are in each of us.

  5. Zoe

     /  04/16/2012

    I think one of the biggest things I am learning is that ttwd can be whatever we need it to be and “tweaking it to meet our needs” is exactly what we are doing. Sometimes it is serious, sometimes less so but we are working and learning all the time and are happier than ever. It is so comforting to read others stories and see those similarities.

  6. oh wow, just found you.

    Glad you have decided to make this decision,

    I hope it all helps, it’s lovely that blogs have helped you get here!

    Take care

  7. Zoe

     /  04/17/2012

    Welcome C, I’m so glad you stopped by. It has been a wonderful decision for us and blogging has been such a big part of it.

  8. lil

     /  04/27/2012

    You know, I think that some of our most life-changing conversations have happened in the car…And going back wasn’t ever an option for us either.
    Glad you found something that works for you!

  9. Zoe

     /  04/27/2012

    Thanks for stopping by Lil. There is something about being confined in the car that just makes us have to talk. It’s good. And I’m glad it is working too.

  1. This is Going to Get Interesting « A Uniquely Different Life
  2. Our Talk « A Uniquely Different Life

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: