Talking about Rituals

Humans are often creatures of habit. We tend to like the familiar and and take comfort in it. We drive to work a certain way, frequent the same stores over and over, buy the same products, make the same meals, etc. because those things are familiar and bring us comfort.

Rituals do that for us. A ritual is a customary way of operation or behavior. It is an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner. They allow us to predict how something will be. Change can be stressful and rituals help keep that stress in check.

Lillian recently wrote a post about her rituals in spanking and wondered whether others used a ritual when they do ttwd. It is something I have been thinking about lately. It is also something that we have been discussing because itis something I wish we had more of especially for punishments.

We don’t have a prescribed ritual either for maintenance or for punishment but that is not to say that we don’t follow certain patterns. Most often for either I am bent over our bed or over his leg with my upper body resting on the bed. I like having the feeling of support and feeling grounded to something. I do like being over the bed and holding onto the pillow really does help me stay in position and keeps me from reaching back.

It depends how much he talks to me during a spanking. During maintenance he may not talk too much. He will lecture when he needs too though and always makes sure I know what a punishment is for. Often our conversation comes later after we are done. We have had some great conversations after a session.

We have talked about developing a set punishment place/position. If we had a routine it  might make the situation seem more serious. Because we do maintenance and playful spankings too, a specific spot/position for punishment might really help both of us get into the right headspace for punishment. He knows all this and has indicated that he likes the idea.

He can be pretty creative when he wants to be and that can include in how he chooses to spank and so even if we get to the point that we have more structured scenarios I still think he will throw things in to keep me on my toes.

It takes time to figure all this stuff out. In the scheme of things we have not been doing this that long, really only for about 8 months. We are different now than we were back then and I am sure we will be different 8 months from now. I learn from him and he learns from me. He learns what works and what doesn’t. We experiment and keep some things and reject others. As we find what works we refine our rituals and with luck and persistence move forward.

I don’t know if we will ever get to the point that he does the same thing all the time but I do know that as he learns more about what works and what doesn’t he will do those things that make this thing we do work best for us.

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20 Comments

  1. dancingbarez

     /  09/14/2012

    We are very similar in that we do not have punishment/maintenance rituals although we do have a pattern we follow. i think until I read this I did not even realize that is what we were doing. Maintenance is very different from punishment in our house and I guess that in itself coiuld be considered a ritual.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/15/2012

      Yep. More patterns than rituals. As we do this longer the more they develop though which is good.

      Reply
  2. I can see how you would want something very specific that gets you immediately into the right head space for punishments. I think it just takes some time of actually doing it even if it doesn’t feel right yet, to become a ritual. It is really interesting to read how everybody does it a little differently.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/15/2012

      It has been interesting to read about everyone. I think we will get to the place where he makes it different for punishments. I guess I will find out next time.

      Reply
  3. Our spankings follow pretty much the same ritual, except for some minor details. But you’re right, I think, headspace is really important and for me – more important even than the ritual. Actually, straying from our ritual can bring me to just the right headspace.
    Interesting, b/c I’d never thought about that until you wrote this post. 🙂
    I like the idea of you holding a pillow, but we aren’t able to spank in our bedroom any more, due to privacy.
    I should bring a pillow to H’s office. I too reach back sometimes. 😦 If nothing else, I could sit on it afterward. 🙂

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/15/2012

      I’m glad I made you think. Headspace makes all the difference for me and how we do things definitely helps me get there.

      That pillow really does help me stay still. Taking one to his office sound good for both reasons. 🙂

      Reply
  4. SNP

     /  09/14/2012

    I am enjoying reading the answer to this question. I had to smile at your comment that your husband can be pretty creative:) “As we find what works we refine our rituals and with luck and persistence move forward.”–Nice statement and I think a good one. Enjoy your weekend, Zoe/Alex.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/15/2012

      He makes me smile sometimes too (or wince.) 🙂 Luck and persistence… it does take both.

      Reply
  5. Ana

     /  09/14/2012

    Hi Zoe! For me, I think rituals are nice (on the receiving end) because it can help with the fear and anxiety. Having no idea what to expect is terribly scary! But it is nice to have flexibility, too. It sounds like you’ve found out the best mixture for you. 🙂

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/15/2012

      I am not ever really fearful but rituals do help with anxiety. I trust him completely so while I may be anxious about an upcoming spanking I am not scared. I think we will always have a mix of a defined way to do things and flexibility but maybe that is our ritual.

      Reply
  6. It does sound like Alex will find a good balance between creativity and giving you the structure you need. That was important for us to decipher between maintenance and discipline but there are also all sorts of other kinds of spankings.

    I’m glad Lillie asked this question…it’s interesting to hear everyone’s stories.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/15/2012

      We’ll get there Susie. We do need to find that balance but the nice thing is we are working on it all the time.

      Reading these has been interesting. I’m looking forward to reading your second installment.

      Reply
  7. Lille

     /  09/15/2012

    Hi Zoe,
    Thanks for sharing! I think it is interesting that a distinction is made for you and your HoH by his communication with you. I like that – I’ll bet you two are good communicators in all aspects of your life – not just dd. Nice 🙂

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/15/2012

      Thanks Lille. I don’t think we used to be very good at communicating but ttwd has greatly helped that and we are working on it. The trust and communication necessary for Dd has spilled over into the rest of our relationship which is pretty great.

      Reply
  8. stormy

     /  09/16/2012

    My ogre likes to keep me guessing at times too. We kind of have a ritual but my response as we approach a spanking can change things too. Sometimes I’m in full protest and he kind of flings me into position, not a lot of talk! Other times its a lecture while I stand before him.

    He listens to my feedback, and things have been refined as we have progressed into this lifestyle.

    Sometimes we follow a definite ritual though.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/16/2012

      Yes it does vary but its is nice that we work on it and like you said, progress in this lifestyle. Pretty cool really.

      Reply
  9. Dee

     /  09/16/2012

    It’s been interesting reading about rituals around blogland. We don’t really have these but like you, follow a pattern. I agree that it’s the headspace that differentiates between play and punishment. I certainly feel this, but I think maybe a ritual perhaps specific to punishments would be very beneficial and definately help to get that mindset.

    Dee x

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/16/2012

      A more defined ritual will help with that mindset I think and we are definitely working toward that.

      Reply
  10. Mary Ann

     /  05/01/2013

    Congratulations for this great blog! This is my first post, and I thought I should add my comment here. At the beginning of our cdd journey, it was very difficult for me to take discipline sessions seriously, so we implemented a ritual fairly quickly. The key to its success is to make the session as formal as possible. So here is what we do. My Husband will set up a time for the punishment, usually several hours or a day after I misbehaved. In order to get ready for it, I do dress up before; I think it is the most obvious way to show respect: you would never meet with your boss for a reprimand or with a judge in court not dressed properly. I usually go with a business skirt and a modest top. Then I meet my Husband in his office, he sits at his desk and I stand. First, he will remind me why I am being punished, and then he will ask me why I misbehaved, if there were any particular reason for it, and if I feel sorry (I always do). Then i get lectured, and my Husband decides the level of punishment and asks me whether I think it is appropriate (I have never asked for a lesser punrishment but I think it is great that he asks me). After this discipline starts. My Husband ties my hands, and if punishment is paddling, I have to bend towards the desk and keep my elbows on it. Tying hands prevents me from reaching back (big problem for me), it reminds me that I am not in charge, and again it makes discipline more formal. Then, skirt and underwear down and I get the paddling. I am usually asked to count and add thank you Sir after each stroke (we go with Yes Sir no Sir during discipline). Once all punishments are over, my Husband has a few words of encouragement, and he comforts me 🙂 This is it for today, thanks for reading!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/02/2013

      Mary Ann thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I love it when someone comments on older posts.
      Your ritual is very interesting. I had never thought about dressing up. I will have to give that some thought. I don’t know what Alex would say about that. It is interesting how different we all do things.
      We don’t ever use restraints during punishment. I need to fully submit especially during a punishment. I am usually bent over the bed and hold tight to a pillow. That really helps me keep my hands out of the way. He has never made me count and I don’t really know how well I would do with that.
      It’s funny, I would never have used Yes Sir and No Sir before Dd but it has become more and more natural and I use it quite a bit now. We were both brought up using as a sign of respect and I find myself using it more and more lately. If we are alone I try to use it now. He notices and appreciates it.
      I’m glad you like my blog and hope you come back and comment again.

      Reply

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