When It Rains

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May was crazy. It was full of incredible highs and unbelievable lows which kept us off balance pretty much the whole time. We are just now starting to find our feet again.

I told you in my last post a bit about my Mom and what she was facing. She fell and has been in both a rehab hospital and now a nursing home while she recovers from her injuries. It is slow going and is obviously hard for her and really for us all. I spent a week there with her but have not been back since. Being far away is so hard sometimes.

I came home from Mom’s for one day and then left to see our daughter graduate from college. It really was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. She is such an accomplished young woman and graduated from an Ivy League University, truly one of the world’s finest schools. Watching my child do this was an almost out of body experience. Proud does not even begin to describe the feelings.

Unfortunately, my father-in-law suffered a heart attack shortly before her ceremony so we knew as we watched that as soon as it was over Alex would be leaving to go to his bedside. Sadly he passed away just a few days later so we all followed to say goodbye and then attend the funeral. I don’t want to say much really but as I know myself, and I’m sure many can attest, loosing a parent is so hard and it was. It will take time to heal.

Going from such lows to such highs and then to even deeper lows took a toll on us both this month but we handled it as best we could. Justifiably so, Alex was really unable for awhile to do anything but grieve and the dynamics of our relationship took a backseat. Leading takes a lot of thought and energy and when you are going through such a difficult time you just don’t have that energy to give. I think one of the things that makes us strong is that he knows he can trust me to step up and take the lead when I need to when situations are tearing at us. I look at it as really an extension of the service I try to give him anyway. Service is about making things smooth and easier for him and for that time making some decisions hopefully did just that.

All this craziness meant that both of us were away from our own home for almost the whole month. We are finally back under the same roof and slowly reestablishing ourselves into our dynamic. We did maintenance for the first time in a long time as a way to reconnect. It helped but it will take time. I’m trying not to ask too much of him and put too many demands on him. I find safety when he is in control and command but I’m not sure he is ready to really assert himself too much yet when he is still grieving and coming to terms with his loss.

We haven’t really talked much but I think if I asked he would say that knowing that I am there in a support role has been a big help to him in getting through this month. Part of that support is actually giving him the space to grieve without asking for too much talk. He needs at analyze things in his own way and a lot of talk is not his way.

I do think the foundation we have built for ourselves and this dynamic has helped us get through the last month. Even when it is in the background, hopefully that foundation has given him something to stand on.

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13 Comments

  1. I have been thinking so much about you this past month. Please extend my condolences to Alex. I can well imagine you must be both physically and emotionally drained. Your outlook on your relationship is truly spectacular and one I would hope to share if circumstances found me where you are.

    Losing my father was the most difficult things I have had to encounter in my life. While we all understand it is the natural order of things, and our parents are grateful when it does go that way, it changes you. It rocks you to your core and I believe all you are doing for Alex is exactly what he requires from you. TTWD is truly at its core putting the other person first ( IMHO) control, non-control it doesn’t matter. What does is the person feeling loved, appreciated and respected no matter the situation.

    I hope you continue to feel the strength and comfort of your foundation through this very difficult time.

    Much love willie

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/09/2014

      You are such a dear friend Willie. Thank you so much for your support. Even though we haven’t talked as much lately I want you to know how much I value that friendship. 😊

      Reply
  2. Leigh Smith

     /  06/09/2014

    Condolences on the death of your loved one and congratuations to your daughter. Life sure does throw curves constantly. Glad you are both holding on as best your can and best wishes for brighter days ahead.

    Reply
  3. Blondie

     /  06/09/2014

    I am sorry for your ups and downs. Congratulations for you daughter. What an awesome accomplishment. I am sending you cyber hugs for both your mother and father in law.
    I just have to ell you how much reading your post meant to me. It is so nice to see that you are as mature and able to coexist with your husband. There are times when our husbands need to rely on us to hold things together. It doesn’t change the roles, it’s just life. I bet he is more thankful than he can even say to know that you are his partner and you are allowing him time to mourn, feel lost, and to work through what he needs. You could be resentful and act like a child just to try and get his attention. Obviously, you have a great marriage and you are very wise to know that the dynamic that you both want, will come back. Just takes time. Way to go!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/10/2014

      Blondie your comment really touched me. Thank you for your beautiful words. It is amazing how far we have come and how much better I think we were able to cope better because of Dd. Thanks again.

      Reply
  4. Hey friend. I’ve been thinking about you lots and I know it has been too hairy to connect. I’m here and around over the next couple weeks. Anytime you want to talk or if you simply want to be silly for a half hour, give me a shout.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/10/2014

      Thanks Susie. I appreciate your support more than I can say. I’ll talk to you soon.

      Reply
  5. I am so sorry for your loss and sadness. Life sure challenges us.
    Whenever we think there is so much sadness we seem to be blest with joy. I am thinking about the wonderful happiness you must have felt seeing your daughter graduate!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/10/2014

      It was surreal to be so happy and yet so sad that day at graduation. A real paradox but I am so thankful for her accomplishment and any sadness that followed didn’t diminish that. Thanks for your support Minelle.

      Reply
  6. I’m so sorry for the highs snd lows Zoe, congratulations to your daughter, that is such an awesome achievement.

    I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes we have to step up and take the reins to support our partner. I am sure Alex truly appreciates the support you have provided in this way to allow him to grieve and to come to terms.

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/12/2014

      Thanks so much for your support Roz. It means so much. Things are slowly starting to feel more normal which is good.

      Reply
  7. Hi Zoe, oh that is so hard to swing from such great highs to such sad lows. My condolences to you both. It’s good to know that ttwd is working so well, giving you both the strength you need
    love Jan,xx

    Reply

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