New Year Old Us

I’m writing again. I’m writing again. If I say it and do it enough I hope it will be an “I think I can! I think I can!” and then an “I knew I could! I knew I could!” kind of thing.

Anyway, like I said before, hello. It feels good to typing again.

Let me tell you a little about the me of 2016. I’m still here and I would love to say that we are going great gangbusters in our Dominance and submission but you know this is about being true and frankly our dynamic is a bit lacking lately. For reasons mostly having to do with privacy and time we have been pretty vanilla of late.

I wish I didn’t need his Dominance so much. I wish I could give him submission all the time and at the same level as I want to even when we are vanilla and busy and I’m not getting Dominance from him. I have thought so much about this. I want to do things for other people. I want to make other’s lives easier especially for my family and most especially for my husband. When I am open and giving and focused on doing everything I can to smooth the way for him it makes me truly happy.

I don’t know why I am wired this way but I am. It took me a long time to recognize it and a long time to put a name to it but I am a submissive. Not out in the world and not as my public persona at all but in my home and with my husband I want to be his help. He does so much for me and for our family. I hope I have said this before, but I will say it now. He truly is the best man I know. He deserves my devotion. He deserves my best.

I wish I were strong enough to always give it but I do need his help to allow that submissive side to come out, and more importantly, to stay out.

I need him. I need to feel his presence. I need to feel structure and walls and limits. I so like the safety I feel in rules. I like knowing where the line is and that he is watching. I like the visibility of rules. And while I don’t like punishments themselves I do need punishment.

I have thought so much about this and I think that is really what it boils down to for me. In order to punish someone you must care. It is a very active thing. You have to set the boundaries, pay attention to the behavior and then actively get involved by taking action when punishing.

You cannot be passive and punish.

For me it is not so much about the spanking itself but about the time, attention, effort, resolve, and commitment that he must demonstrate in order to punish. And it doesn’t have to be spanking. It can be time out, corner time, lines, really anything he comes up with. The point is for me, that he took the time to notice and then had the fortitude to impose himself on me.

As I write this I feel my grown woman modern self cringing. In many ways I don’t know that I will ever loose that struggle of wanting this kind of discipline and attention even in our modern world. I know it is not PC, but that doesn’t diminish this want and need in me.

So I will say it again. I want and need his rules and more importantly his punishments. I want and need his rules and MOST IMPORTANTLY his punishments. I don’t think I have a spanking kink as much as I have a punishment kink.

The problem for me and for us comes in that implementation. Even after 4 years of this we are at different levels. I want and need this so much more than him. I just do. So there’s the struggle. There are so many times that I would punish me if I were in charge. I would not put up with some of the things I do and definitely some of the things I say and how I say them. When I start to feel like that my submission and my doing things for him with a happy and humble heart really diminish. I wish I could say I was stronger than that but I can’t. I need to feel him actively participating. It is a constant struggle.

Anyway, I think that might be a good start for writing again. Admitting your issues is always a big start I hope.

I need his attention and for me that means punishments. I will show him this latter. It is nothing he hasn’t heard before but maybe it will stick this time.

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Best Laid Plans

Plans. They can get us every time.

Cat plan

My last post dealt with how life can and has gotten in the way of our doing Dd in what felt like a natural way.

Wednesday we did get to do maintenance and it was good. It had been awhile and there were a few issues to “discuss” so it was a little more like paintenance than maintenance. Like many I like leather way more than wood and he only used wood. Not as long and hard as real punishment but definitely attention getting.

We were both really looking forward to Friday. Our daughter was leaving for an overnight school trip which meant that we would have a whole day and night of together time. I don’t know what he was planning but I do know he was planning. I love it when he plans.

Enter winter. Enter life.

We live in the South. One thing you must know about the South is that ANY frozen precipitation leaves everyone here paralyzed. The stores fill up with people buying food, TV stations do live feeds from home improvement stores selling de-icer and snow shovels and schools cancel before a drop of snow or ice falls from the sky. This is all for a storm that will be in and out of the area in about 12 hours.

Granted the precipitation was ice and that is scary but you won’t run out of milk and bread in a 12 hour storm when the temps the next day will be in the 50s. It makes me laugh. But I digress.

The trip got canceled. I’m not sure who was more disappointed. My daughter or me. Not only did it mean she missed a trip she was really looking forward to but possibly more important to her it meant that she had homework to do and quizzes to take that she thought she was free of. Pretty comical actually. And of course so much for our plans.

I called Alex and told him. He just sighed heavily and that said it all for both of us. No playtime. No maintenance. No plans.

Now I really try to live by a philosophy of “it is what it is.” Things happen and you can’t really change that so you have to live within the parameters you are given at the time. Winter happens and things get canceled because of that. Getting all stressed out about that doesn’t really help anyone. That’s the theory anyway.

Even though I try it doesn’t always work that way.

I was grumpier than I should have been with both Alex and our daughter. He knew I was disappointed so he gave me some slack but I eventually pushed too many buttons. I actually questioned how he would handle a behavior that we were reading about on another blog and (I can’t really believe I did this) I said I didn’t think he would handle it. Well the next thing I knew I was in the bedroom, in the corner half dressed, and lectured about follow through and expectations, how he knew I was disappointed but I couldn’t take it out on him, etc. She was right up stairs so spanking wasn’t an option but he got his point across.

The thing is I was calmer after that. We snuggled and I apologized and he forgave me.

Why do I do that? His night was ruined too but he wasn’t acting like a brat. I fully admit that I try to not let things I can’t change bother me and yet… oh well.

Anyway we got through the night and I was better yesterday. We had no plans for any connection time so of course what happened? Our daughter spent most of the afternoon and evening with a friend so we ended up with several hours alone sans daughter. We got to do maintenance. We got some playtime and we watched a movie together. It was really nice.

So what is my take away?

Plan a-z

Go back to my original philosophy. Work within the parameters I am given and try not to get too stressed if plans change because they can just as easily change in my favor as against me.

Be patient.

Oh and don’t second guess Alex’s resolve unless I want to find myself on the receiving end of a punishment with my nose in a corner. (I really need to remember that one.) 🙂

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