Looking Back, Moving Forward

Below is a letter I wrote for Alex on our private blog. It is a little more personal than I usually share but maybe that is what I need right now, to be open and vulnerable. We continue our Dd lifestyle but openly embrace and call it by the Dominant/submissive D/s name as well. I just want to share some of our struggles and my thoughts. 

For the time being, he has assigned me the task of writing every day, either here or privately. I will try to do most of the posting here so maybe it can help someone out there. Anyway, here’s what I wrote today.

Dear Sir,

In the past two months many things about our dynamic fell away with the stress in December and our son coming home and then him just being here and us not being alone. I know that has not changed but I am excited about the prospect of returning to D/s and our Dd lifestyle.
Because of this writing assignment I have spent some time in the last day looking at and reading some of the old posts in this blog, both those I published and those that are only in my draft file. What I have understood from that reading reinforces my conviction that a heightened, strict way of organizing our relationship is exactly what I want, both from you and from myself.

As I look back on what is in my files it is remarkable to me how little my thinking on this has changed. It shows that not just now but last year, 2 years ago, 3 and even more years ago I wanted you, your guidance, and most importantly your follow through and consistency on punishment.

I hope this is the time that all of this will truly sink in and you will embrace this lifestyle both for me but also for you. What I also learned from reading my files is that this is not going away for me. I truly believe I will always want this. And I truly hope that you can really accept that and me and take this ride with me.

The past two months have been hard for both of us. The problem is that we both let what was happening externally affect us. We both let the dynamic fall away. We pretty much quit having sex (not good). You didn’t call me out on anything and I didn’t follow through on my rules at all.

I have been way too snarky and rude to you in the the last two months and the last month absolutely. I understand that respect is vitally important to how you (and most men) feel love. Being spoken to in a civil, non sarcastic way is what you deserve. You are the reason our family is what it is. You deserve to be spoken to with respect and I have not shown you nearly the respect you deserve lately. Please don’t put up with it. Respect is one of the core tenants of this dynamic and something I have promised you. If I am not speaking to you with respect then I am not honoring you and all you do for me and for our family and I deserve your reproach.

As I said in my public post there are so many times lately that I would have punished me. I have to believe that more than once you wanted to call me out and demand my respect but because of people around you let it go. Please don’t. Please at least say something at the end of the day or take me aside and call me out. Let me know I am at or over the line. I really cannot know what you find acceptable if you don’t tell me. I don’t want us to not joke and tease but I think we both know many times I am just snarky and mean and that is not ok.

I also know that with our son around all the time that we both will have to get creative. Silent punishment or non spanking punishment will be needed. Just because we are not alone does not mean I don’t want to live this way. I need to be respectful maybe even more when our son is around and watching. We need to model for him how we think a husband and wife should act around each other. I never want him to know that we are D/s but I do want him to see a couple who is deeply in love and a husband who is in charge and a wife who follows. It is almost more important to expect my respectful speech when he is around. For instance, I should never back seat drive, but doing it in front of him makes it doubly bad. I hope you agree and act accordingly.

I let other things fall away as well. I definitely let my housekeeping chores fall away and did them when and how I wanted, not on any schedule or to any particular standard. Sometimes I did this out of laziness and sometimes I did it to test and see if you would notice. You didn’t and so I continued the behavior. It really is a circle for me when we have let things slide. I am committing to you now to return to the published housekeeping schedule. Everything must be done for the week, or I must talk to you and get an extension or exemption. Checkin is on Sunday or Monday, which ever is best for you. The everyday things are non negotiable.

My clothing is another area that I have changed. I don’t know if you even noticed. Today is the first time I have worn a skirt or dress for a long time. Skirts do much for both of us I think. If I am ruling my own life, especially in the winter, I would wear pants every day and so I have been. But skirts are more feminine. They are an outward sign of my submission to you and this dynamic we choose. They give you immediate access and make me much more available. Pants are essentially a sign of defiance. If I want to wear them on a particular day going forward I will ask your permission.

Lastly, I feel like I completely got away from using the honorific, Sir. I think using it is important for several reasons. It demonstrates respect and you appreciate it. That alone is enough. But it does more. I have to do it with intention. It is not a natural thing so every time I use it I do so on purpose. We have both decided it is important and I hope you start to expect it of me whenever we are alone.

Thank you Sir for having me write this. It does make me examine myself and our dynamic and I hope it helps us both.



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