New Year Old Us

I’m writing again. I’m writing again. If I say it and do it enough I hope it will be an “I think I can! I think I can!” and then an “I knew I could! I knew I could!” kind of thing.

Anyway, like I said before, hello. It feels good to typing again.

Let me tell you a little about the me of 2016. I’m still here and I would love to say that we are going great gangbusters in our Dominance and submission but you know this is about being true and frankly our dynamic is a bit lacking lately. For reasons mostly having to do with privacy and time we have been pretty vanilla of late.

I wish I didn’t need his Dominance so much. I wish I could give him submission all the time and at the same level as I want to even when we are vanilla and busy and I’m not getting Dominance from him. I have thought so much about this. I want to do things for other people. I want to make other’s lives easier especially for my family and most especially for my husband. When I am open and giving and focused on doing everything I can to smooth the way for him it makes me truly happy.

I don’t know why I am wired this way but I am. It took me a long time to recognize it and a long time to put a name to it but I am a submissive. Not out in the world and not as my public persona at all but in my home and with my husband I want to be his help. He does so much for me and for our family. I hope I have said this before, but I will say it now. He truly is the best man I know. He deserves my devotion. He deserves my best.

I wish I were strong enough to always give it but I do need his help to allow that submissive side to come out, and more importantly, to stay out.

I need him. I need to feel his presence. I need to feel structure and walls and limits. I so like the safety I feel in rules. I like knowing where the line is and that he is watching. I like the visibility of rules. And while I don’t like punishments themselves I do need punishment.

I have thought so much about this and I think that is really what it boils down to for me. In order to punish someone you must care. It is a very active thing. You have to set the boundaries, pay attention to the behavior and then actively get involved by taking action when punishing.

You cannot be passive and punish.

For me it is not so much about the spanking itself but about the time, attention, effort, resolve, and commitment that he must demonstrate in order to punish. And it doesn’t have to be spanking. It can be time out, corner time, lines, really anything he comes up with. The point is for me, that he took the time to notice and then had the fortitude to impose himself on me.

As I write this I feel my grown woman modern self cringing. In many ways I don’t know that I will ever loose that struggle of wanting this kind of discipline and attention even in our modern world. I know it is not PC, but that doesn’t diminish this want and need in me.

So I will say it again. I want and need his rules and more importantly his punishments. I want and need his rules and MOST IMPORTANTLY his punishments. I don’t think I have a spanking kink as much as I have a punishment kink.

The problem for me and for us comes in that implementation. Even after 4 years of this we are at different levels. I want and need this so much more than him. I just do. So there’s the struggle. There are so many times that I would punish me if I were in charge. I would not put up with some of the things I do and definitely some of the things I say and how I say them. When I start to feel like that my submission and my doing things for him with a happy and humble heart really diminish. I wish I could say I was stronger than that but I can’t. I need to feel him actively participating. It is a constant struggle.

Anyway, I think that might be a good start for writing again. Admitting your issues is always a big start I hope.

I need his attention and for me that means punishments. I will show him this latter. It is nothing he hasn’t heard before but maybe it will stick this time.



9 thoughts on “New Year Old Us

  1. Hi Zoe, My first time on your site. Eric and I are new at this and only three years into our marriage. I completely get what you are saying about “needing” it. There is something reassuring about going through all of the motions and Friday was the first time he said, he also “wanted” it. We are exploring. Here’s hoping Alex and you find some time to explore this year too. Amy

    1. Good luck to you and Eric and welcome. I’m so glad you are here. It’s funny. i wish I didn’t still feel like we were finding our way but we do. It is a process. I wish you the best in your journey. I will tell you that when it is working it is so worth it.

  2. Hi Zoe, welcome back! It’s so good to see you post again. I am only rarely posting myself now days. We haven’t practiced ttwd for some time now. I hope you and Alex find a way forward that works for you.


    1. Hi Roz! So glad you commented. Sometimes it feels like we are not practicing but we just keep trying. That’s something I hope. Thanks!

  3. Some women simply need more disciplining than others. Likewise, some women need rules while others don’t require them or find them unnecessary.

    My wife and I never used rules, or at least not written ones. Having grown up at a time after World War II when rules abounded, there were certain boundaries of ladylike behavior that my wife knew she should not cross. Also, having grown up at a time when children did not question their parents and wives deferred to husbands, she was also content with letting me decide when she needed to be spanked.

    At the same time, my wife has not above hinting that the time has come for me to take her to the bedroom and give her bottom some disciplinary attention.

    When my wife and I were dating, spanking wasn’t considered to be either a kink or a lifestyle. Instead, it was something couples sometimes did privately to keep their relationship from going off the rails.

    Strange as it may seem these days, being able and willing to spank was often seen as a desirable trait in husbands. One of the more interesting tales emerging from Hollywood involved an actor playing a bumbling stage husband trying to spank his wife.

    As written, the scene called for the actress playing the wife to wind up sliding off the actor’s lap and onto the floor. While either witnessing a rehearsal or the scene as it was wrapped, the real life wife of the actor was heard to say that husband could spank much better than that!

    Early in our dating relationship, my wife and I had an honest and revealing discussion about spanking. It wasn’t all that uncommon in those days. I’d had a similar discussion with both the teenage daughter of one of our neighbors when we were in high school.

    A few months later, we decided the time had come for her to take a formal spanking over my lap for doing something she knew her parents would spank her for doing. Sometime later, my wife confessed that she had expected any man wanting to marry her have spanked her bare bottom before their wedding day.

    Apparently, before I came along, the young men my wife previously dated failed to realize that there are times when even a virgin expects to have her bare bottom soundly spanked by a young man who cares enough to do it when she needs it.

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