Submission Soapbox


Submission is something I have been thinking a lot about the past few weeks. I love it and I crave it. More than anything I want to serve, please and obey. It makes me feel safe and loved when he is in control.

But it is my choice. It is something that the two of us have decided together. We have chosen this lifestyle, not because his gender makes him superior in any way to mine but because it makes us happy to do so. That is a huge and important distinction.

I submit not because he is male and therefore has some right to my submission or because God or some religion says so, but because giving this level of devotion feels more right than anything I have ever done. I give it. I choose it and I am thankful every day that he accepts it and nurtures my submission with his dominance.

My submission doesn’t diminish my power as a woman but enhances it because it is freely given. For so much of our past submission was something that was expected of women. They were to submit to their husbands no matter what. That is not at all how I see us. I do want to submit but only because I give him that gift; not because of society, or religion or even because he tells me to. There is freedom in my submission because I give it freely.

I come to him willingly and with much thought. The point is not to be a simple submissive wife but to be a partner who truly cares for and does everything possible to make his life and therefore our life happy, peaceful, loving and secure. By providing a nurturing place to come home to I make both our lives easier and more comfortable.

It is all so conscious. I don’t do it out of duty or obligation but out of joy.

For reasons I can’t go into, there has been a lot of discussion in our vanilla life recently about men and women and their roles in life and in marriage. Language and thinking much more representative of the 1950s where women were expected to blindly submit and obey because of their gender has been debated and argued often in ugly ways.

I stand now and forever here to defend a woman’s right to choose her path as a fully equal and important partner in life, marriage, career, the bedroom, anything really. Gender does not determine superiority.

I choose submission. I choose this lifestyle. Ultimately I have the power to give or not give my submission. My husband is the leader in our house, not because he is somehow ordained into that position because he is male or because some religion says so but because we, together decided that we wanted a Dominant/submissive lifestyle. It makes us happy and brings us joy precisely because of that freedom of choice. Nobody, including him, can make me do this and for anyone to suggest to my daughters that they “have” to do this because they are female is abhorrent to me.

I truly don’t know how I would explain any of this to them. They are now and will forever be equal to any man and honestly superior to most. It seems incongruous even to me to be shouting both for and against submission but that is where I am. I think ultimately it comes back to choice. I choose to submit and I choose to be equal. I choose to defend my right to submit and their right not to.

This has been such a strange time and it has caused me to really take a strong look at what we are doing and the reasons and motivations behind it. I would hate for my girls to see either of us as hypocritical because we choose to live like this. But there is that word again. Choose. Choice.

I find joy in my submission and I just hope that they could come to understand that and not judge either of us too harshly.

Stepping off my soapbox now.

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  1. I love this post.
    I love the magna-doodle picture at the top, too funny.

    I think that’s an excellent way of looking at it. šŸ™‚ great post.

  2. Wilma Rubble

     /  04/10/2014

    I agree. Although…….(lol) I did read something in the book Conquer Me about submission as a gift. I can’t recall off hand but she made some excellent points why she doesn’t consider it a ‘gift’. Barney and I had a huge discussion about it- although we had had several glasses of wine at the time. Most likely why I can’t remember. I shall have to dig it out and reread it.

    But I do 100% agree for sure about submission for me. I benefit greatly from it, and in turn so does our relationship. Barney too sees the perks *wink*. But I do think many confuse the idea of submission with suppression. As I have said before, to *me* anyway, submission is a heartset, a noun more than a verb. I place I enjoy being, not a personality trait. Lord KNOWS I would NOT be characterized by anyone as submissive. LOL Confused yet?


    • Zoe

       /  04/14/2014

      Submission has to be given or it is suppression in my opinion. Too many women in this world still have no choice and live as second class citizens. I am second to no one, submissive or not. Taking someone’s “submission” is abuse. It has to be freely given. It has to be a choice.

      • Wilma Rubble

         /  04/14/2014

        No …that is not what I meant. Not that has to be taken. Obviously it has to be a choice or it is abuse. What I said was the author didn’t consider it a gift.

        Here is her quote, ” Is Submission a gift? I don’t believe so. Submission in a need, in those who are submissive by nature. If you are submissive in your core, it’s a natureal thing to express it to one who compliments your submission with dominiance……This aspect of your cores self is not less a part of you than your other traits. The need to express this aspect of yourself is paort of the whole you.
        To call sumbission a gift means to give it no strings attached, with no exception of getting something in return. Let’s face it: almost no one does this……”

        Anyway she goes on to describe how it is a symbiotic relationship. And if we view submission as a gift then so we must view dominance as one as well. She then talks about them being two sides of the same coin. I thought this quote was also interesting, ” I’ve long been confused by the idea of submission as a gift, because it seems that submission is then implied to be superior to dominance, which seems blatantly contrarty to the very essence of submission”

        Like I said, I found this chapter very thought provoking and Barney and I talked at great length about it. So I’d thought I’d share. Of course one would have to admit to being submissive in our core, which generally raises red flags all over the place here! LOL. One has to wonder though, if you aren’t honestly submissive in your core ( not to your core) why would this lifestyle be attractive to you? And then again that submissive in your core, means only to one not to the world at large.

        Meh….just interesting. Not trying to sell it either way.

        ( Conquer Me, Kacie Cunningham pages 72-73)

  3. Blondie

     /  04/10/2014

    Can I hear an Amen! I think that you have spoken for a lot of us. Great post

  4. faerie

     /  04/10/2014

    Choice, that is what it is all about. I choose to submit because it benefits and satisfies me. I have an adult daughter who is in no way submissive, that is her choice and if that makes her happy, then I am happy for her. Choices, something I know for a fact my mother and grandmother didn’t have and why they fought so hard for us to have those choices.

    • Zoe

       /  04/14/2014

      I love this comment. It really is what it is all about for me and what I was trying to get at. We are so fortunate to have that choice. Our grandmothers so often didn’t and no one gets to tell my daughters otherwise.

  5. Great entry….submission is a choice….given freely. I was of the original ‘women can have it all’ generation….and that meant being in charge. I have learned….the in charge part is not always the ideal.
    hugs abby

  6. catrouble

     /  04/10/2014

    You stated it beautifully Zoe and I’ll join Blondie in an ‘Amen’!


  7. Lovely post Zoe, it is great when we can see just what makes us happy
    love Jan,xx

  8. Great post Zoe and so well said. I totally agree. Submission is a choice.


  9. Janey

     /  04/11/2014

    I really do love this post and agree with it so much. It would exactly describe me if only I was good at following through and actually doing the submissive stuff! It’s what I want and why I want it, definitely my choice and not for and other religious or gender issue.
    I’m just not good at it. A work in progress still.
    Thank you

    • Zoe

       /  04/14/2014

      Oh I never said I was good at it Janey. Just ask Alex this past weekend. I do try though which I hope is enough. Always a work in progress

  10. Trust

     /  04/17/2014

    Even if you do look at this from Biblical point of view, it is still a choice. The Bible says for women to submit to their husbands, not for husbands to make their wives submit. Just like anything else in the Bible, it is always a choice.
    Women submitting to their husbands is meant to be used as a tool to help us understand how Christ submitted to God by allowing Himself to be crucified for us.

    The marriage relationship is designed to help us understand our relationship with God better. Learning to trust and submit to my husband, who makes a lot of mistakes but loves me, with my submission has me has helped me learn to trust and submit to God, who is perfect and loves me, but Whom I don’t always understand.

    The husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He was crucified for the church!

    I think the submitting part is easier. šŸ™‚

    I hope that makes sense. It is a concept that I have been learning, but I’m not sure how to express it the best way.

    • Zoe

       /  04/17/2014

      I appreciate your perspective and thanks for commenting. It sounds like your submission and your reasons for it are working for you.

  11. Well said! I have like minded opinions about this!

  12. Reblogged this on Virginia Rue and commented:
    I love the way Zoe explains this natural and beautiful phenomenon. So many women have suppressed these feelings out of societal pressure, feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I say, embrace your most feminine femininity!


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