Turning Point – Part 2

The first part of this is here.

By the time I was finished with the letter it was after 5AM but I still could’t sleep. Alex came and found me about 6:30 and brought me back to bed.

I told him that I hadn’t really slept and that I was kind of done. He felt terrible that he had ruined our evening and had made me feel so upset. The flood gates opened and I just lay in bed and cried and cried. I couldn’t even show him the letter because I was too emotional. So he tucked me in and told me to sleep and he would read it and we would talk after I woke up.

I listened and let myself sleep for a few hours. That was good. When I woke up we talked and I showed him the letter.

Lately I have not been writing on this blog much because I have been writing for him on our private blog. I have been exploring my submission and what that might mean for us. I have often been very specific with him about what I find attractive and sexy so he is not having to read my mind. He always says the right things but I don’t always get follow through.

I think what happened to me all of the sudden Friday night is I became scared that that was all it was going to be; him saying the right things. What I want and wanted was the action behind the words. I suddenly became scared that he couldn’t give me action and if that were the case I needed to back off and back down from what I was doing and expecting. But he had to know that would mean big changes for us and ttwd.

Here is the letter I wrote:

I don’t know if you are capable of giving me what i am asking you to give.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh or blunt but that is the truth.

They say that submission is a gift and that is what I am offering you. The gift of my submission. If you are going to accept that gift you HAVE TO TAKE AN ACTIVE ROLE IN ALL OF THIS AND TAKE THE LEAD!

We have been doing this now for almost 1 1/2 years. We have a written agreement and written rules. I am not playing games here. This is not a passing fad for me. This is not something that I want to see disappear out of our lives.

I keep writing things in our private journal that lay my heart and desires out on my sleeve. I feel like I have been completely open with you about what I want and I feel like I try really hard to live up to my end of the bargain. I need you to live up to yours.

I really do try to follow the rules. I self report anytime I feel like I have broken a rule because they are our agreement. They say to me at least that there is a standard of behavior that is expected and that you find these particular things to be important enough to actually punish for if they are not followed.

If that is the case, then you have to be willing to do that and you have to punish.

It is not the spankings that I am asking for here. It is the accountability. It is the action from you that it would take if you were to enforce them. It is the attention that is required from you if you are enforcing them.

You can’t discipline if you are not paying attention and are not actively engaged in our dynamic. It is active and it does take work but I hope that what I am offering in return more than makes up for that effort.

In the year and a half since we started I don’t feel like you have ever really punished for anything other than things I brought to you. If we have done a specific punishment spanking it has been because of that. I feel like I self monitor and self report and so it often feels one sided.

This is all very mental for me. I spend probably too much time thinking about all of this and presenting things to you and trying to get you involved. You seem to be interested and to want many of the same things. We seem to find many of the same kinds of things exciting and attractive. But then when you are given the night to pretty much do whatever you want to with me you don’t take advantage of it and I am left feeling vulnerable.

This journey has led me places within myself that I never really acknowledged or wanted to admit were there but like it or not they are.

I am a submissive. I want to please you. It makes me happy when I do. It gives me real pleasure when I know that I have done a good job for you. I truly want to do things and stucture my day and my actions so that the end result is that I make your life easier and more productive.

I love you. I respect you and I am devoted to you. We have the life we have because of you.

It is truly important to me that I offer my body up to you for your pleasure. I honor that and do that for you. I give that to you.

It truly has become important to me to make sure that I keep the house to a standard that will make you proud of my efforts and make your stress levels lower when you walk through the door. You know I have not always been the best housekeeper but I take satisfaction from the act of cleaning now because I know it is important to you. It makes you calmer and makes you less stressed and so I see it as a real act of devotion.

All of this is what I am offering to you and sending in your direction but it can’t just go in one direction. You have to give me things back in return.

I need to feel your dominance. I need you to take control and be in control. I need you to lead.

I need you to plan out our nights together, be in control and be in command. I need you to take the opportunities we have when we are alone and not waste them. I want to feel that when you can, you take full advantage of making sure I know that you are there and leading and steering us where you want us to go.

I want to know that what I do for you has value to you and that you cherish it and me. I need to know that you are capable of this.

Maybe you are not. Maybe you just are not going to be comfortable and confident enough to take command. I would be very sad if that were the case but I feel like we have reached a turning point. I can’t keep putting in so much effort if I feel like I am not getting the effort returned. This is an incredibly active lifestyle. It demands attention from you to see me and my behavior. It demands that you keep an active eye on our household and it’s issues so you can make the best decisions about what is happening around you. I can make those decisions on my own but I don’t want to.

It is a lot of responsibility I realize that. If that is not something you want to take on then we can stop doing this. That would make me really sad but at some point I think you need to decide if you are really in this or not.

I am in. I want to be, not just your wive, but your submissive wive. That is a kind of huge difference. I am offering myself up to you and for you.

It is time for you to decide what you want to do with that gift.

Please know that at no time was I ever questioning our marriage, his overall commitment to me or our commitment to ourselves.

What I questioned was his ability and desire to do ttwd and to have a Dd marriage. I was questioning whether Dominance and submission would and should be part of our lives. I was questioning whether the “nice guy” I married would ever really be able to do what he needs to make this work.

He read the letter and we talked. I think for the first time in a long time he really got it but I asked him to take some time and really think about everything. We had become very comfortable in the routine we had established and it was time for a bit of a shake up. Essentially we suspended ttwd for the weekend while we digested and came to terms with what had happened.

So where are we now? We are in a much better place. He understands where I am coming from and why I feel like I do. He knows if he is going to lead that means he needs to be much more engaged. To continue then he needs to be as committed to this as I am.ย He is going to be more aware of his mindset so when he comes through the door he is better prepared to engage with me and leave work and those demands there. We are going to remain a Dd couple and he has recommitted to me and to us and has already stepped up in some new ways. When I find myself chaffing under this new diligence I know you will all remind me that I am the one who asked for this and forced this new level of commitment. ๐Ÿ™‚

It’s funny. I think many of my concerns were there for a while but I didn’t want to acknowledge them and it took a crisis to bring them all to the surface. Maybe we needed to reach this turning point to grow. I want to run and weekends like this show me that in many ways we are still taking baby steps. I want to do this for the long hall and this helped us.

noturningback

I never really doubted his commitment to me. I know he cherishes me and us but it is nice to hear him reiterate it.ย In the end I hope I can look back on this weekend and truly see it as a turning point, one where we both took up Dd with renewed commitment.

Leave a comment

18 Comments

  1. willie

     /  05/09/2013

    Zoe I was going to say, ” I could have written this letter” but in fact I *HAVE* written this letter. We’ve had the discussion too. We are almost 9 months into this thing we do, I can’t fathom going through what you did a year and a half into it.
    I pray this is the ‘thing’ that does this for Alex, and that you finally work towards the relationship you long for.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/10/2013

      Me too Willie. Thanks for your support. Most of the time I tried to tell myself it was OK, it’s just that this weekend I finally decided that it wasn’t and we need changes. Here’s hoping.

      Reply
  2. Tess

     /  05/09/2013

    Your letter was so well written, and thoughtful…he couldn’t help but really hear you and understand where you are coming from:) I’m so glad that you are in a better place now and I hope you continue taking steps, big and small, in the direction you both want.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/10/2013

      One foot in front of the other right? As long as we are taking those steps we are going forward at least I hope so. Thanks Tess.

      Reply
  3. I agree with Tess, that letter was amazingly well written. My thoughts usually jumble all over the place in situations like this.
    And I don’t want to take away from what you guys just went through, but I could identify with absolutely all of this. All. We had that blow-up about two months ago, when he turned on the TV after he spanked me not even half-heartedly. I understand the offering, and being willing to be submissive, finally being okay with being a submissive only for your husband to get sidetracked. I hope you guys can establish something that better suits you and him. And of course you are not work to him!!!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/10/2013

      Maybe we all go through this from time to time. It is a big change in how we relate and there are always growing pains I would imagine. Glad both you and Tess liked the letter. It often feels like the best way to tell him what I want because I can give it to him fully formed and take some of the emotion out of it. Having the private blog has been good for us both.

      Reply
  4. Great letter! You communicated your thoughts, needs and desires quite well I think. We actually had a similar discussion not all that long ago. My guy is a “nice guy” too and though he is a bit of a spanko, he doesn’t like to have to punish me. That’s okay, I don’t like to be punished either. But, as you said, it’s about being held accountable. And if ttwd is going to work, that’s an important part of it, at least for me. Since our talk he’s definitely stepped up more and things are going along quite well for us at this point. I’m glad the two of you were able to discuss this and feel like you’re back on track and in a better place now too. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/10/2013

      Thanks Grace. Michael sounds a lot like Alex. I know for me I am happy he is a bit of a spanko but also happy that he dislikes punishing. It is about the accountability and I think he understands better. Glad you two are better.

      Reply
  5. zoe, it’s difficult to lay yourself out like that to your husband, but i’m glad you did. maybe this will really be the thing that causes alex to take charge and be the leader. i also hope that he will remove the burden of self-reporting off your shoulders and be engaged. that’s tough too, you know? poor guy. we girls are always throwing stuff their way and they’re trying to catch it all and put the pieces together. i think you’ll get there and work it out. good luck! you have a great marriage, and hopefully ttwd will only make it better. ๐Ÿ™‚
    hugs,
    m.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/10/2013

      Aw thanks Maryanne! Our marriage is so much stronger than it used to be and I think I just want more and more improvement. I don’t want to get complacent. I hope that this weekend helped to move us along in the right direction.

      Reply
  6. Blondie

     /  05/09/2013

    I wrote a few letters like that, well probably more than a few. Ty kept them all and has referred back to them at times. There is so much going on in there head and they want to do the right thing. They just move a lot slower than us. We are ready like, now! And they have to grow into it. But it will happen. Keep on talking and sharing. Sometimes I am jealous of the women who’s husband knew the role before she did. Hang In there. Keep doing the things a submissive wife should do. And keep talking. It will all work out.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/10/2013

      I keep trying and I guess that’s all I can do. I will keep offering my submission. I think he took a good sized step towards catching up with me and understanding me better. We’ll see. Thanks for the great comment. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  7. Roz

     /  05/10/2013

    Hey Zoe, I’m so glad you wrote the letter. I think it was very well written and that you expressed your thoughts and feelings clearly and in a loving and respectful manner. It is certainly not easy to share our thoughts and feelings.

    I’m so glad that you communicated and are in a much better place. This does sound as though it a turning point for you. Sometimes we need to take a step back and evaluate.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/10/2013

      Evaluation is a good thing I just didn’t realize that it was going to happen right then. Sometimes these things happen when we are least expecting them. I hope it all sinks in and we come out better on the other side. I am hopeful we will. Thanks Roz.

      Reply
  8. Very much like you, Zoe, I need to bend for him. I’m glad that he heard you, and that you are moving forward together.

    (((hugs)))

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/14/2013

      Thanks June. Bending for him is a nice way to put it. Never really thought I would feel this way or want this like I do but I do.

      Reply
  9. Your letter was so well done Zoe…especially for one that was written in the middle of the night. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I think that all of us who take this seriously end up at a similar place where both parties have to reconsider how “all in” they are and what things are for real…and what things are expectations that have to be put away. I know I have had some expectations that we have talked about over and over but he doesn’t follow through. I’ve mostly had to let go of those. I suppose if we put all of this in the context of living out the rest of our lives, there is plenty of room for change and growth. It doesn’t all have to happen right now.

    Sure is nice to be on the same page with your guy though isn’t it?!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  05/14/2013

      I am a little surprised how coherent I was able to be given the hour it was written. That thought has occurred to me as well as I reread it.

      You’re right. It doesn’t have to happen right now but getting to that realization can be hard. We have to be patient sometimes with our spouses and give them the chance to catch up to where we are. That can be frustrating though. I’m trying.

      Thanks for the comment. It means a lot.

      Reply

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