Trying To Figure It Out

Usually when we spank it is for maintenance with a little bit of paintenance thrown in to address whatever needs to be addressed. Sometimes it is pretty light and playful, sometimes it is long and hard. Most of the time it ends up being what I need and we both feel better.

But what if I don’t know what I need or I just don’t feel better? I have felt like he didn’t spank enough before but that was not the case yesterday. It was probably the hardest we have done and yet when it was over I was nowhere near my happy, cuddly, submissive place. It is not that he didn’t spank hard enough or long enough this time. It is that I was walled up and I’m not sure any amount of spanking was going to change that. I was grumpy when he was done but not really at him. Just grumpy. I have never really come out of a spanking and felt that way. I wanted him to stop and I didn’t want to try again.

The tone of the session is very important and it was off for me. Even though the session was hard the mood was not very serious. He didn’t really lecture much and tried to joke around some. The spanking was serious and the tone more playful. Maybe that was it. They didn’t match. I don’t know.

I don’t want to criticize how he does things. They are his decisions to make. I need to let go of the thoughts in my head that question whether he spanks or not and how he spanks. I need to stop second guessing and thinking “If I were HoH I would…” There was definitely some of that going on in my head and I think that was the bigger issue with my grumpiness. But it is not my decision to make. I know that but that is so hard.

There are times especially with behavior, or sass, or grumpiness that I know I would not let me get away with something and I don’t think from what I read other HoH’s would either. It is then that I question and wonder. Why does he let me behave like that? How do I get to a place where  I accept his decision gracefully in my heart and head?

Elysia had a post called His Decision yesterday that really spoke to me. We had just finished and I as trying to process how I felt and her post really moved my thinking to a new place.

In her post she said, “Just because there is no action does not mean that there was no effort to make the decision.” Wow what a thought. That is something I don’t think I ever really appreciated or considered. No action does not equal no decision. He chooses how he reacts or doesn’t and if I trust him to be the leader of our home I have to trust that is what he is doing; leading and choosing not to act.

That will be a good thing to talk with him about. I bet that is what he will say he is doing. Maybe I need him to do a better job of communicating that to me directly at least for awhile. Maybe I need him to acknowledge  my bad behavior  directly so I know he noticed. I don’t need or want punishment all the time but knowing that he notices would help.

Also in her post she said “I need to be able to accept Henry’s decisions about discipline in my actions but also in my heart and in my head.” That is exactly it! I need to learn to do this. If I have truly given him the power to discipline than I have to accept that I have also given him the power to not discipline or to discipline in whatever way he chooses.

life begins

Outward submission has gotten easier for me. Follow the rules.Do what I need to do. Take care of what needs to be taken care of. Even be respectful and keep my attitude in check most of the time. But when the sassy demon comes out and he doesn’t react I wonder. I still can’t help second guessing and I battle with my thoughts. It is the inner battles that I need to learn to let go of, the second guessing, the disappointment when things don’t go like I think they should or how I would do them. Those are not my decisions to make and that part for me is hard and will take some real work. I need to trust that he has a reason behind his decisions and that he is in fact actively in control. There are so many layers to submitting and learning to submit.

I think practicing “self talk” as Elysia says is something I need to do more of and it will help me get there. I need to stop the talk I do in my head that wonders and questions and “talk” myself into trusting and believing in my heart and head in his actions, in his decisions and in his leadership.

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9 Comments

  1. Dee

     /  02/08/2013

    I have come up from a spanking feeling the same way on occasion. It’s like feeling dissatisfied? in some way. For me, it’s sometimes more to do with having that sense of ‘its not real’, or not real enough if you get me? Or that he hasn’t taken it as seriously as I have? That’s also not to say that even with a longer, harder spanking, that it’s not serious, but perhaps we are harder on ourselves about what punishment or whatever we need than our hoh’s are?
    Saying that, For me, I (eventually when I can get the words out) speak and discuss with Mitch about it and about how I felt. I don’t attack or criticise how he chose to spank or what he chose to spank for, (unless I feel it’s unfair) but HE is still learning too. Learning how to read me, how to read a situation and sometimes it’s not because he has ‘actively’ chosen to ‘lead’ a particular way, but because he is still finding out and discovering what works and what doesn’t. Obviously he’s not going to get it right all the time, just as I don’t, which is why my ‘input’ is just as important as his. It works both ways, in my opinion, or it doesn’t work. We are ‘both’ in this.
    If something isn’t working for me, then we talk about it and talk about the solution. Just as he would with me. For me, and it might not sound very ‘submissive’, just because he has the ‘Hoh’ title, does not mean that everything/anything he does goes. Mitch is still learning how to lead, I am still learning how best to follow that lead and although I’d love for him to be in this role and know exactly how to handle certain things, sometimes he needs a bit of guidance too.
    But that’s just my opinion 🙂 and each of us are different.

    Dee x

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  02/08/2013

      We are both in this. You are so right. And I do give my input all the time. He reads all my posts so this was actually very helpful in that communication process. We want to achieve a new level of trust between us and being able to trust enough to not second guess so much would help us both. He doesn’t get it right all the time, neither of us do, but I know he is trying and I hope my trust gives him confidence.

      Reply
  2. Susie

     /  02/08/2013

    Bah.
    I understand.
    I’m in a slightly different place…but with the same undertones of figuring out expectations, knowing when to communicate and when to shut up. I’m all grabby for control but I honestly want to do the opposite and just trust and relax.
    I’m not helping…but I understand 🙂

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  02/08/2013

      Oh Susie you always help me. 🙂 Trusting and relaxing is what I am trying to do. I don’t always succeed but I am trying.

      Reply
  3. Roz

     /  02/08/2013

    Hi Zoe, you are echoing my own thoughts precisely here. I think maybe you’re right, perhaps it was the fact the tone was serious when the spanking was that left you feeling unresolved. I have come up feeling unresolved after a spanking on occasion and I don’t like that feeling one bit.

    I too read Elysia’s wonderful post and that gave me food for thought at the time. Now your post has given me more so thank you.

    I also struggle with letting the decision be his and not second guessing what “I” think he should do in any situation and accepting this decision and realising that he has given thought to it – a work in progress.

    I do think you’re right. I think we need communication from him, acknowledging our mistake and communicating his decision. It’s when there is no action and no communication we feel confused. Having said all that though, Rick is way better at communicating decisions now.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  02/09/2013

      Communication from him really will help with this and we have talked about it and he sees how it is important. We both see it as a maturing of our dynamic at least that is what we want anyway.

      It can be so hard not to project how I would run things but I am trying. 🙂

      Reply
  4. SNP

     /  02/09/2013

    Good thoughts here and nice of you to highlight Elysia’s post. I also liked reading the comments from Dee, Susie, and Roz. You are all seeking the best and I admire that so much. Enjoy your weekend.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  02/09/2013

      Thanks SNP. Your comment is so kind and it means a lot. Happy weekend.

      Reply
  5. Sara

     /  02/10/2013

    Zoe,
    I think every one of us has come away from a spanking feeling that way at one time or another. It just happens…shrug. The starts didn’t align? But sometimes, you do need to say something like: “Honey, that spanking last night…well I have no clue why, but it didn’t leave me in a good place. It’s not that you did or didn’t do anything, but I don’t feel settled. I just wanted to let you know how I am feeling, and not hide this from you.”
    Telling him how you feel is your job. Deciding what to do about it is his. But he can’t even think about what to do if you don’t share your feelings. Sometimes I have just shrugged and waited till the next spanking, bc I was more or less ok, and it got fixed then. Sometimes I have just really needed to say something bc I wasn’t ok. You have to be the judge of that for yourself in the moment.

    I hope you feel better soon! Sara

    Reply

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