Shopping With a Friend

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours with a friend getting lost inside a wonderful antiques mall we have here in town. It is a place full of so many fun and quirky items.

As a spanko I have to say that I find trolling an antiques market much more interesting these days than I did in the past. There are so many potential implements available.

Canes,

butter paddles,

old wooden spoons,

and fraternity paddles

may all be available if you look hard enough.

Yesterday while wandering the isles we came upon a booth with two different antique fraternity paddles. I couldn’t resist going over and pointing them out. I picked them up and commented how much heavier the one was than the other and how serious it would be.

Her response to them was that they were “perfectly awful” She said she had never noticed how much they looked like a short cricket bat before and wondered if they got their shape from that. I told her I didn’t think so since cricket is not an American game and the paddle is traditionally used in America. I could tell she was quite uncomfortable with them and their intended purpose.

Good to know. If I was ever tempted to tell her about my Dd life I now know that she would probably not be the right choice. She definitely seemed to have an aversion to them and was quite uncomfortable. Oh well.

I’m glad that I have all of you for any ranting and raving or processing that I may need to do. Thanks for that!

Now, the question is… do I go back and buy them? They really were reasonably priced. Nah… I’m not that crazy!

Side Note: I just showed this to Alex before posting.

Cricket Bat huh? I didn’t think of that. We have one of those! 

Oh No! 🙂

Happy Valentine’s Day

Here’s hoping that you and yours get carried away this lovely Valentine’s Day.

Love to all – Alex and Zoe

Pitiful Points

Sorry that I have been basically absent for the last week. I have been reading and commenting some but even that has been less than usual.

You see I have a pain in the…

Jaw.

Yep, old fillings, refillings, and a not so good dentist equal root canal. Yuck.

Long story short I have been in varying levels of pain for over a week most lately pretty severe.

I have mostly powered through with the help of crazy amounts of Ibuprofen and Tylenol but it has been no fun and very tiring since sleep has been elusive.

I have asked for and received quite a few “pitiful points” as he has taken care of me. I have been too out of sorts to even be feisty most of the time so I haven’t needed too many but he has granted whatever I need. He has been pretty sweet bringing me things and cuddling me throughout. He said earlier that he could really see on my face how uncomfortable I was.

Let me just say that from my side he deserves pitiful points too because he is so pitiful not being able to really do anything for me. He keeps asking what he can do and there really is nothing so he just looks sad. Twice this week I have woken up in tears and he gets me what he can and holds me but I know it is killing him.

My root canal was yesterday and the specialist who did it said it was pretty involved and that I would be quite sore for a few more days. He was right. Even with the pain meds I am pretty unhappy but hopefully that will improve with time.

He had to leave today and won’t be back until Friday so I am on my own. It will be fine but I will be glad when he gets back. Hopefully by then neither of us will be earning “pitiful points”.

Trying To Figure It Out

Usually when we spank it is for maintenance with a little bit of paintenance thrown in to address whatever needs to be addressed. Sometimes it is pretty light and playful, sometimes it is long and hard. Most of the time it ends up being what I need and we both feel better.

But what if I don’t know what I need or I just don’t feel better? I have felt like he didn’t spank enough before but that was not the case yesterday. It was probably the hardest we have done and yet when it was over I was nowhere near my happy, cuddly, submissive place. It is not that he didn’t spank hard enough or long enough this time. It is that I was walled up and I’m not sure any amount of spanking was going to change that. I was grumpy when he was done but not really at him. Just grumpy. I have never really come out of a spanking and felt that way. I wanted him to stop and I didn’t want to try again.

The tone of the session is very important and it was off for me. Even though the session was hard the mood was not very serious. He didn’t really lecture much and tried to joke around some. The spanking was serious and the tone more playful. Maybe that was it. They didn’t match. I don’t know.

I don’t want to criticize how he does things. They are his decisions to make. I need to let go of the thoughts in my head that question whether he spanks or not and how he spanks. I need to stop second guessing and thinking “If I were HoH I would…” There was definitely some of that going on in my head and I think that was the bigger issue with my grumpiness. But it is not my decision to make. I know that but that is so hard.

There are times especially with behavior, or sass, or grumpiness that I know I would not let me get away with something and I don’t think from what I read other HoH’s would either. It is then that I question and wonder. Why does he let me behave like that? How do I get to a place where  I accept his decision gracefully in my heart and head?

Elysia had a post called His Decision yesterday that really spoke to me. We had just finished and I as trying to process how I felt and her post really moved my thinking to a new place.

In her post she said, “Just because there is no action does not mean that there was no effort to make the decision.” Wow what a thought. That is something I don’t think I ever really appreciated or considered. No action does not equal no decision. He chooses how he reacts or doesn’t and if I trust him to be the leader of our home I have to trust that is what he is doing; leading and choosing not to act.

That will be a good thing to talk with him about. I bet that is what he will say he is doing. Maybe I need him to do a better job of communicating that to me directly at least for awhile. Maybe I need him to acknowledge  my bad behavior  directly so I know he noticed. I don’t need or want punishment all the time but knowing that he notices would help.

Also in her post she said “I need to be able to accept Henry’s decisions about discipline in my actions but also in my heart and in my head.” That is exactly it! I need to learn to do this. If I have truly given him the power to discipline than I have to accept that I have also given him the power to not discipline or to discipline in whatever way he chooses.

Outward submission has gotten easier for me. Follow the rules.Do what I need to do. Take care of what needs to be taken care of. Even be respectful and keep my attitude in check most of the time. But when the sassy demon comes out and he doesn’t react I wonder. I still can’t help second guessing and I battle with my thoughts. It is the inner battles that I need to learn to let go of, the second guessing, the disappointment when things don’t go like I think they should or how I would do them. Those are not my decisions to make and that part for me is hard and will take some real work. I need to trust that he has a reason behind his decisions and that he is in fact actively in control. There are so many layers to submitting and learning to submit.

I think practicing “self talk” as Elysia says is something I need to do more of and it will help me get there. I need to stop the talk I do in my head that wonders and questions and “talk” myself into trusting and believing in my heart and head in his actions, in his decisions and in his leadership.