Thoughts On Submission

We have been doing a lot of introspection around here. We have a defined set of rules. At six months and again now at 1 year we have done a full review to make sure what we are doing is still working for us. Some rules got dropped and some got added. It has been a good exercise because it requires us to really look at how things are going and make sure we don’t just do things a certain way because that is how we set it up in the beginning.

In some ways it feels like we have been doing this for a long time. I mean a year is pretty significant I think. But then in other ways I feel like we are still so new at all of this and that there is still so much more to learn.

One of those things is really this whole concept of dominance and submission. Before we started we led a pretty vanilla life. There were a few swats here and there but no one would have called us kinky. Neither one of us would have defined ourselves by the roles we are using now and that means that both of us have had to grow into those roles. Sometimes I feel like we are just beginning to understand what that means.

We have spent the last month with almost no spanking due to extra kids in the house. That means we have had to keep the Dd dynamic going without it. We both miss the unique connection we get from spanking but he has come up with other creative ways to help me feel his dominance. I’m proud to say I have done pretty well and haven’t earned any punishments. I’ve really tried to maintain my behavior and submission.

Living in a Dd marriage has been so interesting for me. It requires 24/7 submission but, at least as we do it, great autonomy as well. There are things I do throughout the day that he has neither the time or inclination to be involved in like decisions that must be made to make our home run smoothly. These include the day to day running of the house, our daughter’s schedule and for the most part how I structure my time. That is all up to me. He wants it that way and I want it that way. I do not think that this arrangement in any way diminishes our dynamic.

What has changed is the intent and the immediate place that he holds in my mind as I go about managing my day. I am constantly considering what he will think about the choices I make and essentially self monitoring so that my choices are ones that I feel he will approve of. It has become more and more important to me to please him and reduce the stress in his life.

I want him to want to do this and if I were constantly doing things my own way and not thinking about him he might decide this was not worth the effort. He shouldn’t have to punish. I am far from perfect. Things like sassiness will probably always be an issue but he knows I am working on it and it is that intent that helps I think when I do slip up.

It is also important to me to keep my end of the agreement. I have agreed to submit to him and he has agreed to lead.

What I have discovered over the past month is that feeling his dominance inside the bedroom has led me to wanting more of that outside the bedroom. It is not that either of us want any micro managing it’s just that lately I am very accepting when he asserts himself.

I think I will end there for now. I need to examine how I am feeling about this. As we move forward, we delve deeper into D/s and now I need to wrap my head around that. I guess this is a good starting point and maybe that is a post for another day. Like all of this it’s a process I suppose.

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  1. Congrats on the 1 year mark! I felt the same way (still do), like we’d been doing ttwd for awhile and yet like there was still so much room to grow and learn. I think it’s a great idea to take a look at how things are going and what you both want from this at regular intervals. It sounds like you feel good about where you are now and are excited to look ahead and see what changes may lie in store. 😉

    • Zoe

       /  01/19/2013

      It is kind of exciting Grace. Adjusting our rules every so often just seems to make sense. We have come so far from where we started but still feel like we are taking baby steps so often. Writing it down helps a lot.

  2. SNP

     /  01/17/2013

    I love the quote you have in the Red Box. It is great. I agree with your thought process on submission. I have some similar thoughts and I agree it extends from the bedroom out to other areas, too. D/s wrapped in Love is wonderful. I will look forward to reading your other thoughts as you post them as well.

    • Zoe

       /  01/19/2013

      I’m still wrapping my head around what my thoughts even are which is probably why I need to write them down. Thanks for all your support SNP.

  3. Roz

     /  01/18/2013

    Excellent post Zoe, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Congrats on your one year anniversary! We started ttwd a little over a year ago and I too feel as though we have learnt alot and come a long way but still have a long way to go. I don’t know what we ever really stop learning and evolving in ttwd.

    I like with what you said about submission 24/7 but also having autonomy, it works in a similar way for us and I agree it doesn’t diminish our submission.

    Good on Alex for finding other ways to maintain your dynamic with extra kids around and good on you for maintaining your submission.

    I absolutely love the quote – so true.


    • Zoe

       /  01/19/2013

      He got pretty creative on occasion which really did help during those weeks when we had a houseful.
      Still having autonomy is important to both of us. I am a smart capable person and that is who he married. If I suddenly became needy and dependent that would never work for us. I think that is one of the things I like about our community. It is full of smart capable women who also let their husbands have the lead in their marriages.

  4. The neatest thing Zoe is how after a year or so we are comfortable enough in our own ttwd skin that we can really begin to take it in different directions with confidence. You know yourselves and the adventure has really just begun. It will be fun to see where this takes you two!

    • Zoe

       /  01/19/2013

      The adventure has just begun. So true. I guess if we knew what the outcome would be the journey wouldn’t be quite so fun.
      I guess I am getting comfortable in my ttwd skin, at least a little. Pretty cool I guess. Thanks for making me think.

  5. I very much agree with your sentiments. We also work the same way. We established a framework together and I operate within that framework, always thinking what serves our family and what would please Ward.

    I also love the quote (have it on Pinterest :-P) I think that people have the concept that D/s is one-sided and oppressive. In all honesty, I have never experienced such balance, consideration, and reciprocity in a relationship as I do in my relationship with Ward.

    It’s also good to evaluate our course. Life is really not about a destination, it’s a journey, and things around us can change the course of our journey. We have to be willing and able to evaluate now and again, if our path still serves our greater goals.

  6. Zoe

     /  01/19/2013

    I really couldn’t do this without the love. The quote seemed to say it all.
    Being cognizant of what will please Alex and making decisions based on that is a real change of thinking for me and one I never thought I would take such pleasure in myself.
    Big changes and baby steps all at the same time. We are always learning.

  7. It is a huge responsibility they carry. I think it is great that you have made this fit the two of you. The wonderful thing about ttwd-it’s ttwd-different for every couple


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