Decisions

When we enter into this type of relationship we agree to let our husbands make the decisions and abide by those decisions. Most people outside of this life would argue that we give up too much. That we loose a lot of ourselves in the bargain. That we give up our freedom.

Yesterday I had two things happen that showed me more than ever how wrong I think that is and how freeing it actually is.

I live in a really friendly neighborhood and once a month all the ladies get together at someone’s house and have dinner. It is always one of my favorite nights of the month. In December we invite our husbands and we have a neighborhood Christmas party for all. Generally there end up being about 75 people at the party. I am co-hosting this year with a friend and we will be having the party at her house. We are providing the entree and an amazing dessert buffet and everyone else will bring appetizers and other fare. It should be a delightful evening and I will be baking like a mad woman for the next three days getting ready for it.

My co-host learned yesterday that her father is having major heart surgery today or tomorrow several states away so she may not even be here on Saturday. So the mental gymnastics began for me. Could we punt and have it at our house if we had too? Could I make it work? How would I make it work? My house is just too small. We are having it at her house because hers is big enough to host a party of this size graciously. But I couldn’t really cancel could I? I could make it work somehow, couldn’t I?

Secondly, I was dealing with moving money around to get a tuition bill paid and again doing all kinds of mental gymnastics on where and how to pay this bill.

Enter Alex. I went through the whole thing about the bill and before I knew it he had decided we would take some from one place, and the rest from the other and we’re done. I started to say well we could… and he cut me off and said no, do it like I said and move on.

Wow. That was really nice. All of the sudden all the stress I was feeling just lifted away and I could pay the bill and like he said, move on.

Then I told him about my friend and her father and before I could even really ask about having it here he was declaring that no, our house was too small to pull it off and that was not an option. You know, I knew this myself. I knew it wouldn’t work but like before, having him make a decision suddenly allowed me to let all of that go and just accept it.

decision

In both cases they were solutions that I probably would have come to myself but having him step in allowed me to stop obsessing. I suddenly felt so free.

The shift can be subtle sometimes but it is profound. Knowing that he has made a decision and that I am to follow that decision allows me to move on to other things. Even if the outcome was the same, before Dd I would have kept second guessing myself and him for a much longer time. This dynamic allows for a finality to occur. Decision made. Next thing. So nice.

( BTW as of now she will not be traveling to see her father until early next week so the party is still on. I hope it stays that way because that means he did well in his surgery.)
Leave a comment

25 Comments

  1. SNP

     /  12/12/2012

    Great team work Alex and Zoe! Thanks for sharing your thoughts/insights.

    Your party sounds like SO MUCH fun! Wishing you success in every way. Glad to read the BTW update also. Have a really great time.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/12/2012

      Thanks SNP and yes I do think it will be fun. I might post some picks of my desserts. It’s funny. I take pictures of my kids and my desserts.

      Reply
  2. lillie

     /  12/12/2012

    I LOVE this part of dd. I guess I probably abuse it a little…..I just put the decision in his hands, or more accurately, he takes it and poof! gone is the angst. His solution is always practical and easiest on me…..
    Good luck with everything when you have it
    hugs
    lillie

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/13/2012

      It really did feel nice and yes I love the no angst part. The party will be fun. Time to go bake.

      Reply
  3. Roz

     /  12/13/2012

    Great post Zoe! I love this aspect of DD too. Knowing that he is the decision maker really takes a lot of stress away and allows you to move on. Also, as you say, even if the decision is the same as you would make, it stops the second guessing.

    The party sounds like a lot of fun, glad to read the update.

    Hugs
    Roz

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/13/2012

      I don’t always know what to write about but when this happened I knew immediately I would post about it. It was such a nice Dd moment and I knew others would relate. I don’t think I appreciated how freeing this part would be for me.

      Reply
  4. Your party and community sound like so much fun! I hope it all goes well and that your friend’s dad continues to do well.

    It’s interesting to think about the decision thing and look back. Like Alex, M doesn’t wait too long anymore to see me stressing about something and make a decision. You said it really well. It’s freeing and I don’t feel like something has been taken away from me.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/13/2012

      We have a pretty great community. I am very fortunate. As far as I know all is well with him so fingers crossed.

      I just don’t think I appreciated this aspect of Dd quite so well before but it is a benefit I will take. Thanks Susie.

      Reply
  5. Tess

     /  12/13/2012

    Definitely one of the perks! Hope your event goes off without a hitch Zoe:)

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/13/2012

      Thanks Tess! It should be lovely. Now off to work my culinary magic.

      Reply
  6. It is very freeing, and that’s something that may be hard for some to understand. A vanilla friend that I am open with expressed concern about how much I was giving up, and I told her so much less than I was receiving.

    Hope you have a fabulous party, I’d love to have a community like that! That’s awesome πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/13/2012

      That is so true… I’m giving up much less than I am receiving!

      Yeah I am pretty lucky to live in such a wonderful neighborhood. There are ladies who have little ones and some whose kids are grown with families of their own and ladies in every stage in between. I know the party will be fun.

      Reply
  7. I’m sorry about your friend’s (almost wrote fiend’s, lol) dad and I hope he recovers well. And I hope your big party goes off without a hitch. It sounds like fun! I’m very much looking forward to a holiday party we have coming up at a friends house too. As for the decision making, I can totally relate. I find it freeing also. Like you said, I may have come to the same conclusion myself, but I won’t generally continue to fret over it if Michael is the one who makes the final decision.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/13/2012

      Your party will be fun too I’ll bet. I just don’t think I appreciated how feeing it would be but I do like it!

      Reply
  8. You nailed it for me, Zoe. Of course, I had to be ready for this place. I guess I needed the years where it was my job to fix everything, know everything, be everything. But now I let myself feel the peace and comfort of letting it be His. And then I say thank you. And mean it.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/13/2012

      You’re right. I think I needed my life experience to allow me to be in the place we are now. I think we both did. And saying thank you is so important.

      Reply
  9. Just came across your blog today, but I completely agree! The stress is so much less than before we began ttwd. I don’t have to worry and have anxiety about decisions. I know they’re all taken care of and that I’m not alone in it!!
    Great post πŸ™‚
    ~Elle

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/13/2012

      Hi Elle. I am so happy you found me and even happier you commented. Welcome! I will go over and check your blog out too.

      I think it is so much less stressful now than before in many ways. It does feel much more like we are a team.

      Reply
  10. Isn’t that the best part of a great relationship? I can so relate to being overwhelmed and not wanting/having the energy to fix it all. Having your partner, whom you trust, make the decision and release that burden, is the greatest way to decompress.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/18/2012

      It really is nice Minelle. Like you said, releasing the burden leading to the decompression is the best part.

      Reply
  11. What Minelle said! And hi Zoe, so glad I found your blog! πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/18/2012

      Hi Elisa. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I really glad you found me too!!

      Reply
  12. Sunny Girl

     /  12/18/2012

    HI Zoe, seen your name around but just found your blog today. it is nice not to have to make the decisions all the time.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  12/18/2012

      Hi Sunny Girl. I’m so glad you found me. Relying on him is such a nice feeling.

      Reply
  13. SNP

     /  12/24/2012

    Zoe, I am back (to your post:)! Just a quick Merry Christmas to you and your family! Blessings.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: