R E S P E C T

It is something so important and central to any relationship and is our first rule. I must show him respect at all times.

That is all very fine and good when I am happy and in a good mood, when I am not hormonal, or when I agree with him. But let’s face it, I am not all of those things all of the time and it is sometimes all too easy to push back, make a snide comment or let some sass come through.

The thing is I truly want to be submissive and show him respect all the time. I want to give him the respect he deserves and I feel I owe him.

Sometimes I wonder though if I am more worried about it than he is. I do pretty well one-on-one but when I am around other people (like kids or family over Thanksgiving) I know I am snippier and talk back more than I should but he never says anything.

On a recent trip I felt like there were several times that I could have been called out for disrespect and wasn’t. Hmm. Is it not important to him? Are his standards just lower than mine? I don’t know but I don’t want that to be true. I told him he has been too easy on me. I want him to hold me to a really high standard because I am capable of it. I have asked for and want his guidance. If he let’s me get away with too much I wonder if it matters. I think I loose a little respect then. I start to feel that it maybe isn’t so important so the next time I feel a little sassy I let it come out instead of holding my tongue because I don’t think he will care or notice anyway.

But I want a strict interpretation of our agreement and for him to hold me to it.

So we discussed it.

If we are not able to spank because we are around others we talked about a way for him to call me out and keep track until we are alone. I know that there have been times that he has not liked what I said or did but he feels awkward saying anything at the time. By the time we were alone though neither of us quite remembers. I suggested a way for him to make sure I know he noticed and deal with it later if he chooses. I carry a small notebook in my purse. If he tells me to “write” I will get it out and take note of what we were doing and what I said so that he has a record of the conversation and circumstances. If I have crossed the line I want to know it. When we are able to be together for maintenance I will give him the book and he will decide if the session remains maintenance or becomes a punishment session.

It is important to me that I be respectful toward him. I have asked for this and want this. But I need his guidance and leadership to give him my submission. I need him to lead so that I can follow.

I wrote all that before our trip for Thanksgiving and just having the talk really helped me I think. I was much more aware of how I talked to him and didn’t have to actually “write” until we were home. I was more conscious of showing respect. On the flip side though I learned I need to feel his respect more too.

We had an argument on our drive home where I felt disrespected by Alex and our kids. They thought they were fooling around. I felt attacked. I know they all thought I was overreacting. I probably was to an extent but…

We are in a Dd relationship and we have made a commitment to put each other before all things. I take care of him and he takes care of me.

I wrote once here about where the line was when we were playing around and how small deceptions now caused me to really question what was OK and what wasn’t. At the time we talked and I now give him a heads up or signal if the kids have cooked up something I think he needs to know about.

For me it really all goes back to a question of respect. I need to have his back with the kids. And he needs to have mine.

I have thought about this a lot since it happened. I understand how he can feel like I overreacted. When pressed he knew that I was upset because I felt disrespected. But I don’t think he really understands how deep it goes for me. If we are doing this well then we are both thinking about the other and making a conscious decision all the time to consider the other’s feelings. That is hard. It takes a lot of work.

Respect is the first tenant of our agreement. I need to know that his commitment to respect me at all times is as strong as mine.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way before Dd but I do now. For me at least I feel it stronger now.

I was not happy and he knew it and finally it reached the point that he had had enough and now my book has it’s first entry. It is justified. I needed to accept his apology with much more grace than I did.

It is a two-way street though. Respect has to flow in both directions and it does most of the time. It just sometimes takes bumps in the road to make us see that.

I’m not sure that before Dd and our recent talk the whole incident would have even bothered me so much but now I know how great it is to feel his protection and so if it is missing (or I perceive it is) I think I am much more aware of it. It will just take some adjustment from both of us.

And you know what?

That’s OK.

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20 Comments

  1. I do loose a tiny little respect for DH when he lets me get away with stuff, just because other people are around. You know, I have been seeing this a lot lately, must be the stress of the holidays/family gatherings…

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/29/2012

      Family gatherings can certainly put me on edge and often do. I know there were times he would have said something were we not in public but didn’t. Now he has an innocuous way to let me know he noticed. We both like that.

      Reply
  2. I get it! In some ways I am more vulnerable than I was and hurt easily. Take the walls down and they’re down! I’m also impressed with the idea you came up with for keeping track. That’s one we’re still wrangling over-pollitely-of course!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/29/2012

      I definitely feel more vulnerable now that the walls are down so I am more sensitive to things that might have gone unnoticed before. Hmm.

      Glad you like the idea. He needed a way to say something without saying something if you know what I mean. “Write” will not mean anything to anyone else but will certainly mean something to me. It is also something he can just indicate with a hand gesture which he likes. Good luck with keeping track yourself.

      Reply
  3. It is okay, Zoe, and yes, I think DD makes us much more aware. And yes, both sides of the equation need to be mindful. Respect is a two way street…and it is awesome. I cringe when we are in the stores, and pass couples fighting and making nasty, biting comments, raised voices. It literally sometimes feels like an assault, and makes me turn into Ward & cling a little tighter. Sounds like you guys had a great holiday and a lot of growth!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/29/2012

      Being around relatives this weekend made me realize how far we have come. My BIL definitely feels disrespected sometimes but has no real way of dealing with it like we do. I like our way!

      Reply
  4. Bas

     /  11/29/2012

    Zoe, sometimes things work out in an opposite way. You wanted DD to make him force you to behave. For him that worked out in an other way. DD gave him the possibility to accept much more from you. He didn’t need to feel disrespected by everything you say, because he knows that at the end of the day, you’ll respect him.
    He could afford to be a benign HoH, and not get worked up by all minor infractions, let’s face it, you cannot go around all day, spanking and spanking again. His time will come, and she’ll be sorry yet.
    That he did not immediately react to these minor infractions, made you think they were not important to him. That is by no means the case.
    So, it is good that you talked.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/29/2012

      It is good we talked. When I bring this kind of stuff up he appreciates all the more I think how seriously I take this and it makes him feel good.

      Calling me out in any kind of public setting is uncomfortable for him (which I appreciate) and now he can do that much more discreetly. I think it will work for both of us.

      Reply
  5. Roz

     /  11/29/2012

    Hi Zoe, I think DD does make us both more vulnerable and aware and you a right, respect does have to be a two way street.

    It is hard when others are around and I’m glad you talked and came up with a solution. I have quite a few moments where I feel I am not being as respectful as I should and he doesn’t react. I too wondered “does it matter to him”. I have since learnt though, it’s about how he feels about it. While I may think I may have been out of line, he may not feel the words of actions were disrespectful and so doesn’t react. If he feels disrespected, he certainly acts!

    Hugs
    Roz

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/29/2012

      I think it must be hard for our guys to wrap their heads around the fact that we actually WANT them to call us out and show they notice. It is a tricky thing. Most guys don’t get to do that today and it has to take some getting used to for them. I’m glad we have found a way to do it for us.

      Reply
  6. I really like your book idea. I too tend to lose some respect for my husband when he gets me get away with too much and on the flip side, I am super sensitive when I feel like he has disrespected me or joked along with someone else and left me feeling awkward. I don’t think I used to take these things anywhere near as seriously.

    It’s interesting that having your little book has made you more aware. It’s like a silent reminder.

    It’s cool how so many of us struggle with the same issues but each couple comes up with very different ideas for tackling them. Very neat Zoe.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/29/2012

      Thanks Susie. I know you have been struggling with some similar issues lately too. I so get the super sensitive thing. At some point in the razing I just wanted him to stick up for me and when it didn’t happen I shut down. It was more that for me than what was being said.

      The book does make me more aware and I like that because I do know he will use it. This is such an interesting journey.

      Reply
  7. Traveling and family gatherings really do put things to the test, huh? My husband can feel relaxed and laid back in a situation that makes me feel stressed and act snarky, and in the past it’s made me wonder – why doesn’t this bother him more? We both handle this a bit better these days, but it didn’t happen without a few bumps and lots of talks, like you mentioned. Sometimes I would find that my attitude had been noticed and not liked, but it wasn’t an appropriate time to make that known, let alone do anything about, and it ultimately might have been forgotten, if it wasn’t anything major. It’s great that you have come up with a method for paying attention to this and that it’s helping!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/30/2012

      Hopefully this will help us to handle it better too. The talks have definitely helped. The increased communication that we share is really what makes all the difference I think. Things happen and we talk about it now instead of ignoring it. Much better.

      Having a way for him to acknowledge and point out unwanted behavior will be good for both of us I think.

      Reply
  8. SNP

     /  11/29/2012

    Just catching up on some blogs posts. I just visited Tess and read about her holiday weekend and being with family. I’ll add that is stressful and my husband and I had a little bump in the road during our time away as well. I always like that you set the standard high. The book -good idea. The look back at where you have been-great. The conversations you had with your husband–also great. I will leave here thinking about respect for my husband and that is a very good thing. Hugs

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/30/2012

      That’s so nice of you to say SNP! If everything were smooth we would never learn anything. The difference is we actually take the time to recognize the bumps and talk about them and talk about the lesson. I’m glad that this got you thinking. That makes me smile.

      Reply
  9. Oh yes- that’s so OK Zoe, that mostly I’ve come to see this as “the point”. Talking about the difficult things. Really sharing what is in your heart. And coming to agreements that benefit both of you. It’s amazing how that little shift in power can actually create more equality than there was before. But we still have to work for it.
    We’ve gone through some similar things. I think that Henry is much more inclined to treat me the way he wants to be treated b/c of all of the honest talks that we have. But also- because I speak up and say so. Mind reading is not his forte. 😉
    As far as holding you to a higher standard- I feel the same as you-.even now. And I have to adjust somewhat, but still let him know. Just like I am not always my best, Henry is not always on his game. But like you, I’ve told him it’s OK to up the ante. I do say something, but then I let him make his own adjustments. This has had a steady and increasing impact on his willingness to change and come on stronger. I don’t think they can change like that with out our OK and encouragement. I know it will get better for you too.
    Your note pad system is a great idea and it works for the two of you. What ever gets you talking and noticing each other, right?

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/30/2012

      Oh mind reading. Absolutely not something he can do. The great thing is since we talk so much more he doesn’t have to anymore.
      It really is the point isn’t it. It’s not the spanking or the discipline per se but the attention to each other that we must show in order to make those things work. We are very fortunate to have men with such integrity, who are willing to examine themselves and hold themselves to such a high standard. I couldn’t do this without it.
      Upping the ante is a little scary but necessary too. I think it helps us both to grow.

      Reply
  10. Lillie

     /  11/30/2012

    I think it is wonderful that respect is the highest priority in your marriage – and you hold yourself to a very high standard. Times when we are out of our normal element are so hard, I know I sure struggle then because that is the time you need his strength and the stability of dd more than ever.
    Glad everything ended up okay for you both and it was a time of some growth.
    hugs
    lillie

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/30/2012

      I was thinking about this and I think the reason it is so important to us is that we were lacking respect for too long and now that we have found our way back to each other we don’t want to fall back into old habits and places. It takes work but it’s worth it.

      Reply

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