Our Dd Talk

I got a question from a reader in my last post asking me how I had broached the subject of Dd to my husband.

Her question and my answer from there are below.

I found your blog and have been reading it. I have always had some kind of fasination with spanking and felt that maybe I was a little strange. I am 45 a college graduate and teach high school. I learned about DD last Oct. and have been obsessively reading about it. I absolutely can’t seem to bring it up to my husband. We have been married 20 years and have 2 teenage sons. He does occasionally spank for intimate reasons. I just want more. My question is how did you get the nerve to tell your husband? Did he think you had lost your mind:). We have always had an equal marriage and we have a good marriage, but I can’t seem to let this go. Please share with me how you approached it and his initial reaction if you don’t mind. Any advise? So many of the blogs seem to be from younger woman and I feel like an old lady:)
Thanks,

Welcome! I am so glad you commented and that you have been reading my blog. That first time I commented was so scary. Many of us are the same age and at the same point with kids and marriage as you but no matter where we are in our lives I learn from all the other bloggers who share their journeys. It really is an inclusive group.

My answer to your question got really long so I put it in a separate post. I really hope it helps. Feel free to send me an email if you want. My email is zoepmail@gmail.com.

Good Luck!

Like I said, my answer started to get really long so I decided to create a separate post.

Thanks for the great question!

My posts Our Journey and Car Talk are about how we got into this life but they don’t really cover the actual Dd conversation.

For us there was about a 4 month period after we started spanking and before Dd where I was reading and researching and sometimes sharing what I was finding with him. I had never heard of Dd before and at first I was stunned that anyone would live like this. My first impression of Dd was that I/we could never live like this and our first little talks were basically along those lines. The things I was reading seemed so extreme. But then I found my way to several of the blogs on my blog roll, specifically Finding Sara, and I started reading and seeing how this could be a way to take the spanking and relationship changes we were already experiencing to a whole new level. I began to believe that Dd would give us the framework to keep moving forward with the changes we had to make in our marriage. As I read I shared specific posts with him so by the time I got up the courage to talk to him and tell him I wanted a Dd relationship at least he had some understanding of what it was and he was not completely blindsided.

Both of our big talks, about spanking and then about Dd were while we were on long car trips together. Being in a confined private space allowed us to really focus on the conversation at hand and talk longer and more openly than I think we would have had we been home. It was just him and me and the conversation.

That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a very scary conversation to have. It was. I had actually told him before the car trip that I  wanted to try Dd in our own marriage and because of the posts he had read he understood a little bit of what that meant but the real talk about the specifics and what that might mean for us were in the car.

I think it helped us immensely that we had experimented with erotic spanking much more seriously for those 4 months. It allowed us to play around with some fairly hard spankings and implements and for both of us to get comfortable with what that was like. If I had taken the whole idea to him all at once I do think he might have thought I needed some serious help. The way it worked out though (which was purely unintentional) we both took baby steps into this together.

You said that you already do some spanking together so that should help you too. You know he is willing to spank you. Now you just need him to take it to another level.

Once I got up the courage to start talking in the car I explained that everyone did it differently but that the basics were that we would elect him as Head of Household and that I would defer to his decisions if we couldn’t agree about something. We are equal partners in so many ways, he just gets the last vote. We talked about rules and how that might work and we talked about the fact that eventually that would lead to him actually punishing me with a spanking that was not erotic and not fun but was serious. We talked a lot about how this meant that there would be a real power shift and how many who didn’t understand what we were doing would see that as wrong. I told him that for me it was not a problem because I trusted him to hold himself to standards at least as high as the standards that he held me to. It is just that I have asked and he has agreed that for us that means that I get spanked when I do something wrong. He doesn’t because that is not what either of us wants.

I knew then and I know even more strongly now that the discipline aspect of spanking was something that I craved. I am deeply humbled by his willingness to step so far out of his comfort zone and spank me like this. All spanking takes trust but to willingly submit to a true punishment spanking shows level of trust that we don’t experience any other way. He has to trust my submission and consent and I have to trust him not to take me too far and to never truly hurt me. Of course spankings hurt and punishments hurt a lot but that is not what I mean. I trust him with my emotions and the vulnerability I show and he doesn’t hurt that. We talked about all this.

If I’m honest he probably did think I was a little crazy and he probably still does at times. But by then he had already seen how drastically our marriage had changed because of spanking and if I wanted to add a discipline aspect to things he was at least willing to try. I am forever grateful to him for that. I think he would take this sometimes crazy life over what we had before every time.

I hope all that was helpful and that you do have that conversation with your guy. For us it was really a series of conversations which helped us ease into it. I know for others it was all at once. Not knowing more about you I don’t know which style would be best but if you have been thinking about this for this long you will probably not be happy until you at least get it out in the open. My post What is Dd? includes the agreement that I wrote for us shortly after our talk which serves as a framework for our Dd. It might be helpful for him to see how we set it up.

I always tell my kids when they want something of someone to at least ask the question because the worst the other person can do is say no and they might just say yes and give them what they want. This lifestyle requires such honesty and by talking to him you will be honest with him and with yourself. You said you have a good marriage and whether he says yes or no you will still have a good marriage.

Good luck!

Leave a comment

24 Comments

  1. dancingbarez

     /  08/30/2012

    That was really great advice. It’s nice when you can help otheer people along the way.

    Reply
  2. Dee

     /  08/30/2012

    Really great well explained post 🙂

    Dee x

    Reply
  3. Lucy

     /  08/30/2012

    Excellent explanation and boy can I relate to thinking he would think I was crazy :-). I also want to add it takes time for some of us mature couples so don’t get discouraged if it takes many conversations and more time to get comfortable than you think.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  08/30/2012

      Your point is so true. It does take a while and lots of conversations. Thanks for commenting Lucy.

      Reply
  4. Interesting and helpful post Zoe. Your story remind me a lot of Jack’s and mine; we too started DD with long, intense conversations hashing everything out and going over all the details. It helped us a lot starting off to have things clearly defined and expectations already spelled out.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  08/30/2012

      I hope it’s helpful. It did take long conversations and sometimes still does. It is a process.

      Reply
  5. Slightly Naughty Princess (SNP)

     /  08/30/2012

    Thoughtful and helpful post. I am sure Annon. was very appreciative.

    Reply
  6. This was such a great answer Zoe, and no doubt will help others who are looking for answers. H and I also have our best conversations in the car. We just had one recently. Now they are about adjustments, but early on they were about Q &A.
    H has also said that I’m a little crazy, but he would also never go back to the way things were. So now we are crazy together! 🙂

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  08/30/2012

      Thanks Elysia. Your post was so helpful too.

      There is something about the car that helps us talk. The framework is there but we always need to make adjustments. I’m glad you could talk and make some of your own.

      Alex definitely thinks I’m a little crazy but I think he likes my crazy these days.

      Reply
  7. stormy

     /  08/31/2012

    I think you did a good job on this. I

    I have always kind of envied couples who can talk on the phone “well” because I do not think we do it well at all. We fumble all over, and misunderstand each other, and get frustrated. I have discovered it is because we can’t touch each other. We are a very affectionate couple, and we are often touching in some manner.

    Talks in the car don’t work for us either.

    Finally, I think we are all a little crazy! 🙂

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/01/2012

      Thanks Stormy. Writing things out sometimes seems to help us. I can take the time to get my thoughts out in a respectful way and he gets a window into what I am thinking. That might work for you guys too. I don’t know.

      And we are all a little crazy but I like it.

      Reply
  8. This was really nicely written Zoe! It’s so neat to help others along the way, knowing how we remember all the angst and worry in those first conversations. We too have our best big conversations in the car. It’s hard for me sometimes b/c control gets taken away when HE initiates the conversation and I’m stuck there, buckled in and have to talk. Gives him all sorts of chuckles.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/01/2012

      Oh the angst and worry of the beginning. It really was a nervous time but ultimately worth it. How come our guys like to see us squirm sometimes? And I get the chuckles here too.

      Reply
  9. Anonymous

     /  09/01/2012

    Thanks for the respons Zoe I am the anony. that asked the you to tell your story. It was very helpful and encouraging. I am still pondering, thinking and praying for the right time and place. I do think it will evolve and I really appreciate your sharing your story.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/01/2012

      I really hope it helps you in some way. It was kind of nostolgic for me to look back and remember and it makes me see how far we have come. I hope however you proceed that you get a great outcome. Good luck.

      Reply
  10. I love car rides, Zoe. I learned a long time ago, working with teenagers-before ipods, ipads and hand held gizmos-that a sure fire way to get a teen to talk was to lock them in a car. Make the trip long enough and even the radio will eventually not keep them from opening their mouths. Yes, it works for us too. You said many many things that had me nodding my head. I’m aware that some of these bloggers are much younger women and I find myself wondering if I could trust a man I hadn’t known through hell and back in the way I trust Him. Thanks for writing, and getting my head wondering.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/01/2012

      I agree completely. I never really find myself wishing we had started this much before we did because our life experiences prepared us in some way to be able to trust like this. Even the bad times brought us to this place. To hell and back is a good way to describe it. I’m glad it made sense to you.

      Reply
  11. Hi Zoe 🙂 I loved this post. I’m still amazed at how universal the story is on how we all came to DD/TTWD. Sure, the details are different, but the main points are almost word for word with my own story and so many others I have read. I think you gave your readers excellent advice. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  09/04/2012

      I see so many similarities with others as well. It is kind of neat. Glad you liked the post.

      Reply
  12. thefolkswholiveonthehill

     /  10/15/2012

    We are just starting to begin to think about starting TTWD.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  10/15/2012

      Welcome and good luck on your journey. It has been very worth it for us.

      Reply

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