What is Dd?

I have been absent for the past two weeks on a trip to visit both sides of the family and we are finally and thankfully home. Overall the trip went well, no major dramas, some time with friends we don’t often get to see. It was a long trip and one we were ready to end about three days before it did but all in all a success I think.

Grace at Enjoying The Journey asked everyone to take a stab at defining Dd. I thought it would be a good topic for this first post after the trip.

Since we know that everyone does Dd a bit differently I have been thinking about us and how we do it. At the very beginning of this I wrote out our agreement so we both were on the same page and also so we had something to go back to as we move forward to check our progress. It is essentially our definition.

Here is our agreement:

We agree to put our marriage first above all things… children, jobs, friends, family. If we are not OK then our kids are not OK. If we are strong then we can face whatever comes at us from the outside world.
In order to accomplish this we have elected you as Head of our Household. This means that we each have a say in what goes on and how the house is run but if we cannot agree you get to make the final decision and I will abide by those decisions. Knowing you are the leader means I don’t have to fight you for control.
We both agree to respect each other. Without respect everything else falls apart and we are too important for that to happen. We both have value and gifts that we bring to our marriage, our children and our home. We will work together by following your lead.
We know what it is like to live separate lives. We know how hard and lonely that was. We are not willing to allow the stresses in our lives to drive us apart and we agree to hold each other accountable and pay attention to each other when either of us starts to feel the other moving away. We agree that for us that means that you can punish me to ensure we remain strong.
We both agree that certain rules and structures are established to make our home and relationship run smoothly. This means that you have the right and obligation to make sure those rules are followed and you will administer whatever punishment that you see fit to ensure that our roles are maintained. This could include spankings, corner time, revoking privileges, etc.
You agree to never punish out of anger and will make sure that I understand why you are punishing even if I don’t necessarily agree. You also agree to listen to my objections. You may not be swayed by them but you will listen.
We both understand that you will follow through if you feel a punishment is warranted. I agree to submit to your decisions and to that punishment when you say so. Refusing a spanking does not mean that you will back down or that the punishment is not going to happen. It means that when I do submit that we have additional issues to deal with which will likely mean I am then in more trouble.
We both understand that this agreement takes an incredible amount of trust on both sides. Punishments are hard to give and hard to take. We are doing this because the pain of being distant is worse than any punishment. The attention and care that this dynamic requires means that we cannot let our marriage slip and that is the most important thing.

When I look back on this I am pretty happy with how well it still holds up. We have not rewritten it since. We have not had too many punishments and none that I have not fully agreed with.

At the same time we wrote out our set of rules. Our rules center on the 4D’s and distancing and are all pretty common sense. I don’t want to go into the specifics but this aspect is the part that has evolved and continues to evolve. Priorities change and so rules change as needed. We both talk about this and update as needed.

I think that last sentence highlights a central tenant of Dd for us and how it has changed us and how we do it. Communication. We talk about all of this. We make sure that we are both alright and both feeling comfortable. We talk about what is working and what is not. Without good communication Dd is not possible for us.

The biggest addition since we started is that I have agreed to submit to him sexually in all things and in all ways. I know in many ways this adds a D/s component but it has also brought us both so much closer. He feels stronger and more dominant when I submit to him in the bedroom and that dominance really gets my submissive juices flowing and at least for us truly enhances the whole Dd dynamic.

The beautiful thing about Dd is that we can individualize it for us. Every couple takes the basic framework and makes it their own. We add a sexual component, some don’t. We use spanking and alternate punishments, some use spanking alone, some don’t use spanking at all. It really is up to each couple.
What I feel all the Dd couples that we have come to know have in common is a sincere desire to improve their marriages and make them the best they can be. This lifestyle takes tremendous trust and respect for each other. Both partners make huge commitments to pay attention to the other and make the relationship the priority and that is something I think is lacking in so many relationships. However we define it, it works for us.

I was trying to find an image for this post, maybe a couple holding hands. This was just too cute not to include purely for fun. 🙂

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15 Comments

  1. That is a wonderful definition! Thank you for sharing it with us!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  07/31/2012

      I’m glad you liked it Christina. I was a little hesitant to publish our agreement because when I wrote it it seemed too intimate to make public but when I thought about it, it really gets to the heart of how we define Dd in our relationship. In this context it seemed right. Thanks for the comment.

      Reply
  2. Thanks for sharing that with us, Zoe. I think it’s neat that your initial agreement has still held through. I enjoyed reading about what Dd is for you.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  07/31/2012

      I’m actually pretty proud how well it has held up. If I changed it at all it would be to add to it but I would not delete anything I initially included. I had thought a lot about this and done a lot of research but even in our newest newbie days I got that right I think.

      Reply
  3. Great post Zoe! Thanks so much for sharing your perspective! I found myself nodding my head in agreement often. 😉

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  07/31/2012

      Glad you liked it Grace. Thanks so much for starting all of this.

      Reply
  4. Hi Zoe…I found your blog today and have enjoyed it. I’ll be back!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  07/31/2012

      I’m so glad you found me Molly Rose and I will be over to check your blog out as well. Thanks so much for commenting!

      Reply
  5. SNP

     /  07/30/2012

    Welcome Back! Really enjoyed all you had to say here Zoe and I agree with many things you’ve said as well.

    Reply
  6. Blondie

     /  07/31/2012

    Zoe, that is awesome. Your’s would be a great example for other to use (and tweak if necessary). I am really glad that you posted on this subject. Glad you are back.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  07/31/2012

      Thanks Blondie. That’s so nice of you to say. And there is always room for individual tweaking.

      Reply
  7. Christy

     /  11/13/2013

    Hi there! Am enjoying your blog and just had a quick question. What are the four Ds?

    Thanks!

    Christy

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  11/13/2013

      Hi Christy. So glad you stopped by. The “Four D’s” of domestic discipline are Disobedience, Disrespect, Dishonesty, or Dangerous usually things that put you or your family in danger. They form the basis for many Dd agreements including ours. Sometimes people also talk about a 5th D of Distancing. Basically I must communicate with him if I am having a problem and not hide myself or my feelings.

      I hope that helps. Feel free to ask any questions or by emailing me.

      Reply
  1. Our Talk « A Uniquely Different Life

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