Oh We Notice

Children learn from what they see around them. They learn from the behavior we model and from what they are exposed to.ย When we were broken and not functioning as a couple I really worried about this.

I want the best for my children and that includes finding loving relationships themselves in their adult lives. I want them to find someone that loves them and cherishes them, makes them laugh and makes them feel special. I want them to find someone who treats them with respect and and care. Someone who they can talk to and someone who listens.

We used to not talk, not laugh, not connect. We rarely touched or spent time alone together. I can remember having conversations with my best girl friend about this very issue. I worried that the adult, married relationship we were modeling for our kids was teaching them that this was normal. I didn’t want the lack of communication and the disrespect we both showed each other to be what they took away from our home and into their lives. I didn’t want them to think that the way to handle their problems was to not handle them at all and that it was OK to just coexist in the same household.

Things are so different now and I love that on many levels but one of the biggest reasons is that now they are seeing us interact in a whole new way. They see us happier and connected. They see us spending time together just watching TV or running errands together. They see us kiss hello and goodbye and a quick caress or touch. They see us more playful with each other.They also see us talking without a snarky tone of voice. They see me asking for his advice and input. They see me taking care of him in big and small ways, the cleaner house, the cup of coffee. I want them to see it all.

I had a conversation with my oldest not long ago about our new dynamic. I did not and will not talk to her about Dd but we talked about how much better our communication is and how much happier we are together. I told her that we were really working on our relationship and that we were much happier now.

I told her I hoped that she and her brother and sister had noticed. “Oh WE notice” she said and laughed. She told me how nice it is to see us happy and how that made her happy.

That’s so nice to know, so nice that what we are doing is making a difference to them.

Our number one commitment these days is to each other and the health of our marriage. We have a written agreement about Dd and at the very beginning is that commitment. If we are not OK our kids are not OK and our family is not OK. The fact that my kids can and do see the benefits of all of this hopefully means we are doing something right.

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16 Comments

  1. SNP

     /  06/22/2012

    How nice, Zoe! Congrats for your commitment, hard work, love, and results.

    Reply
  2. dancingbarez

     /  06/22/2012

    It is nice to see the children are noticing the changes in you family. It’s nice to hear.

    Reply
  3. Tess

     /  06/22/2012

    How nice to hear that from your kids! Love that ecard. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/22/2012

      I couldn’t resist the ecard. If we were completely perfect that would be boring.

      Reply
  4. Dee

     /  06/22/2012

    I think it’s great that the kids notice a difference, and more importantly, are happier because of it ๐Ÿ™‚

    Dee x

    Reply
  5. Such a “feel good” post Zoe! So much of what you say rings true with H and I. (We didn’t put our commitment in writing though)
    I love how your daughter responded- “oh WE noticed” . That made me smile. It’s clear that the love and respect shines through, and no doubt they will seek to find such a relationship for themselves- Dd or no. I hope the same for my boys. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/22/2012

      I really did worry about this for so long. Breaking us up felt so wrong but what we were modeling was wrong too. I’m so glad that all that is changed now and all of us see the benefits. Thanks Elysia.

      Reply
  6. You are absolutely doing something right, a bunch of things actually. This was something I worried about too when things weren’t so good between Michael and I. Our oldest has let us know that she both sees and appreciates the difference and that she’s happy to witness us so much happier. And that of course makes me very happy! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/24/2012

      It’s so nice that your daughter has noticed as well. I love that they are happier because we are happier. You guys are doing things right too.

      Reply
  7. Sounds like you guys are doing it right! My four-year-old likes to tell everybody that DH is the boss, and I am in charge when he is not here….

    Reply
  8. I’m glad you were able to talk to your kids about it, it’s good to be open with them as well. And great that they noticed the difference, that had to have given you wonderful validation. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/25/2012

      Validation is a perfect way to express it. It does feel like their noticing and being happier is a form of validation. Thanks.

      Reply

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