Grey Area

What to do? What to do? Is it OK to tell little white lies anymore?

I was faced with a conundrum. Alex told me to drop something off while my girls and I were out. We did it no problem. The the girls, who of course know nothing of our Dd relationship, decided we should pretend that we didn’t for a little while just for a joke. I went along with them but had a nagging feeling. I knew it would involve lying to him and make it seem like I had deliberately disobeyed him.

At dinner he asked if it was done and they exchanged looks and told him we forgot. I didn’t say anything. They actually immediately confessed and said we had done it but I think because he wasn’t too pleased he didn’t hear them. We all thought he had. After dinner he commented about us not doing it and we were surprised he didn’t know already. Once he realized that we had done it and told him right away he let it go but really he didn’t like it. I will probably answer for it during our next maintenance session.

I have to say I have very mixed feelings about this whole thing. The girls were just playing and were never going to trick him for long so I didn’t see the harm really. But at the same time I want to be honest and true to him. He feels the same way. He doesn’t want to be such a stickler that any of us can’t play jokes but he does want my cooperation and respect. I know he felt like that was lacking in the moment yesterday.

All this is somewhat dependent on the personalities involved but I wonder how others handle similar situations. Do you have grey areas? Is there wiggle room? Should there be? I’m still thinking.

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12 Comments

  1. I can’t say that we’ve run into anything exactly like this, with kids involved and the like. We have worked very hard on figuring out what the lines are. What is teasing and playing. This seems to fall into playing but I sure understand your uneasiness. There’s something about ttwd which encourages raw honestly. The things like this that used to feel like nothing really stick out for me now. My husband’s need for respect goes both deeper and is closer to the surface, if that makes sense. When he feels even slightly violated, it requires a conversation b/c sometimes it takes his head in a direction I would have never expected. One my part, hiding anything from him means that I start withdrawing a bit even over the tiniest thing. In the end, we do less of this “playing,” at least for now b/c we are still learning our roles and confusion, frustration and those confused feelings can sneak in pretty quickly.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/04/2012

      Everything you said is just so spot on. It would have felt like nothing before but felt deceitful now. I love how you describe his need for respect deeper and closer to the surface. I think that is so true for Alex now.

      After the post we talked more and he is OK with everything. He wants them to be able to play like that but it was important for him to know that it was their idea and not instigated by me. If this came from me he would have had a much bigger problem with it.

      Reply
  2. My girls would do this too. Usually DH can tell because of the way I look at him, and then he goes along with it, to indulge the girls. I think this is fine, and he likes to have this little thing going on with the girls too. So I don’t know, as long as you guys have a little secret look, and he makes sure to look for it, it should be just fine. At least that is how we work!

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/04/2012

      I love the secret look idea and he did too. We will do that next time and I think it will help. Thanks!

      Reply
  3. Slightly Naughty Princess (SNP)

     /  06/04/2012

    Zoe,

    I think the fact that you recognize that it could have been an issue is a plus. I am glad your husband also wants you to joke around and have fun. And, since the girls don’t know about TTWD then you can’t blame them for not knowing. I think your heart will tell you what is right and wrong. I don’t have an exact similar experience, but one time I did plan a surpise 50th birthday party for my husband. In order to get him to the hotel I had to involve some of his friends and make up a story about job I needed him to play (with his violin). I felt uneasy about it all. In the end, it was all okay, but I’ve never lied to my husband like that and so I have a small idea of maybe your same feelings. Anyway, I hope if it comes up in the next maintenance session that it won’t be too harsh over this (unless you need that to feel better 🙂

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/04/2012

      Between kids and travel I’m not sure when the next maintenance session will even happen but when it does it may make me feel better. He is not too upset about it though. TTWD just brings a new level of expectations and behavior and so there are new questions about that behavior that need to be answered. As we do this more I know we will encounter these grey areas again but hopefully we will have learned and we will both handle things well.

      Reply
  4. This is partly why I am having a hard time convincing my husband that we should try a dd relationship. He was telling me just today that when he does somethimg stupid or really upsets or hurts me he doesn’t want me to feel like a dd relationship would mean not telling him how I am feeling becausethat just leads to me being depressed or passive agressive. I wil look forward to reading what happens next.

    Reply
    • Zoe

       /  06/04/2012

      When he messes up I have no problem letting him know that. One of the keys to this lifestyle is making sure that we communicate with each other about what we are feeling. Actually I think the fact that I wrote the post and we talked openly about this is a huge positive change from before. Instead of one of us being hurt in silence we talk now and have a way to address that hurt and move on.

      I hope that helps. Thanks for commenting.

      Reply
  5. Oh, I think there is very much a gray area between joking and taking it a tad too far. I’ve teetered on the edge myself. We have a very playful relationship and he’s generally very lenient on me when I’m teasing, but he isn’t afraid to let me know when I’m on the edge. Usually he just looks me in the eye and says “Hey.” and I stop. But I do think that there should be wiggle room because in my opinion, some of what makes us “us” is our playfulness. Yesterday he threw his shirt at me (teasingly) and I threw it right back…it turned into a match. Throwing a t-shirt in your HoH’s/Dom’s face isn’t exactly submissive, but if he’s having fun with the game, I think it should be okay 🙂 But it all depends how you define your gray area. Maybe tossing something playfully is okay, but tricks or not. Or maybe tricks are okay and tossing is not…I’d say whatever makes him have fun but still feel respected.

    Reply
  6. Zoe

     /  06/05/2012

    Keeping us “us” is precisely the point. We both want to keep the playfulness it’s just that now we are both paying so much more attention to things that these questions come up. For him it really centers on intent and my role in it. This was their joke with him and he got that. He would not have liked for me to do the exact same thing to him by myself, but then that is not the kind of thing I did before so that would have made it feel out of bounds for him.

    Reply
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