Accountability Time

I have been trying to write this post all week and haven’t quite been able to make it happen. I am here on my blog revealing things about myself that no one in real life knows but somehow I have had so much trouble writing an article articulating my struggles with my weight.

I know that there are often complicated emotional reasons that people have weight issues. I am not sure I allowed myself to admit this until recently. I allowed myself to rationalize why I had gained weight over the years and leave it at that.

I love food. I love to cook and I do it well. I enjoy entertaining and sharing myself through food. For me it is a way to connect to our heritage and our ancestors. I make dishes from all the countries that our grandparents came from. It grounds us and carries on traditions.

Over the years I definitely “let myself go.” Little by little I gained weight. To be back at a healthy weight I really need to loose at least 60 pounds from my high. Admitting that is difficult.

My love of food is of course one reason, but that is far from the only one. If I am honest with myself the biggest reason was that for a long time I just didn’t care. I was not intimate with Alex. I did not really care whether I looked good for him and therefore keeping the weight off was not a priority. What difference did it make.

Sure I knew all the health reasons to change my habits, eat less, move more. But I had known all that for years. I needed something more. And then I brought spanking into our relationship and all that changed. I suddenly cared how I looked in front of him.

The first time we ever talked about spanking, before I had ever even heard of Dd, I talked to him about how I felt that it could be used to hold me accountable for behaviors that I wanted to change about myself. I knew on an intrinsic level that I wanted and needed this to be part of our spanking relationship. Specifically, I suggested that it could be used to help me loose weight.

I started working out a little and did loose about 10 pounds but I knew I could do better. So after Christmas we set up a plan for both of us. We have individual goals and goals together. If we meet our joint goal we decided we would treat ourselves to a trip together. We also talked about using spanking to help me reach my individual goal.

So far we have not done that even though I am off target. He hasn’t fully met his goals either and I think he feels bad holding me to a different standard. I made decent progress especially at first but the past few weeks I hit a plateau. I have been exercising much more than before and watching what I eat but I need to do more if I want to make more progress. I need to work harder and make this an even bigger priority.

Before he left for the week I asked him to change that and he agreed. I must loose 2 or more pounds from last week’s number or he will spank. That is not a big number and is absolutely doable but it is not a number I have been able to hit for the past few weeks. It was hard to ask him this and makes me nervous. I am confident that I will meet the number this week but it still adds a new level of immediacy. I also expect that he will set new specific goals each week and follow through from now on.

Writing all this out feels a little like a confession. I feel very vulnerable sharing this but writing this down makes it real. Putting it in black and white makes it real. Maybe that is why it has been so hard to write.

So far I am on track to more than meet this week’s goal and I am proud to say that in total I am 25 pounds off my high. Now to keep on going…

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6 Comments

  1. composing us

     /  03/22/2012

    Good for you!

    Reply
  2. I’ve written about this a little bit too and I agree, it’s hard…so good for you! We too are on a long term loss plan and are functioning in a slow and steady wins the race kind of way. We tried using spanking as a motivator but it backfired on us and I think because we were too new at it. It was all too confusing for me. Instead, we now use it to make sure that I take the time to exercise and it’s effective. I haven’t been spanked yet.

    Like you we’re eating healthy and staying active. In good time we will reach out goals. You will too!

    Heh…love the picture.

    Reply
  3. That is great. I bet you feel so much better.
    We, too have been working the last couple of years making changes in our eating and exercising. We’ve been very pleased with the results and I feel great.
    One thing that helps me along is when Dave points out all the changes he’s seeing in my body when we are alone. It’s encouraging to hear him talk about how much he likes what he sees.
    I’ve hit a rut over the past several months and the scale hasn’t budged. So recently Dave pointed out my progess to me by putting something in my arms that was half the weight I had already lost. Of course it felt heavy, and he told me that I’d carried twice that amount on my body. It helped me see where I’ve come more than where I still need to go. What a motivator. I can do this.
    You can do this. Keep up the good work!

    Reply
  4. Congrats on your weight loss and for keeping up the good work! Why oh why is it SO much easier to gain weight than to lose it? At this point I have to exercise a certain amount a week, but there’s no rule about weight loss. More than anything Michael wants me to be healthy and feel good. : )

    Reply
  5. Zoe

     /  03/22/2012

    Composing Us, Thanks!!

    Susie, Thanks. I can see how it might be confusing which is why we have really hot used it yet. I asked for this thought, at least for right now so we will see how it goes Maybe it will be a thing where it is a one week challenge to jumpstart things. I feel like that is what I need right now so maybe that is how we will use it.

    And I couldn’t resist the picture.

    Jacquie, Thanks so much for the comment. I do feel better and it is so nice when he notices. Dave did use a great motivator and I’m sure you can keep it up.
    You are right. We can both do this!!

    Grace, I think Alex is more concerned about overall health but we are both trying to reach specific numbers so we will see if this extra motivation helps. Whatever works, right?

    Reply
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