No Game

We are feeling our way through how we will make Dd work for us. Most of our rules revolve around aspects of the 4Ds. We are doing this for serious reasons and what we have rules about are there to make us, our lives, our family and ourselves better, stronger and more secure.

That being said there are a few things around our house that drive Alex crazy and so these smaller things are now “rules” too.

We have a large recycling bin that gets collected every two weeks. We have much smaller bins right by the door in the garage that we fill and then empty into the larger one. The problem is that often they are not full, they are overfull, spilling onto the floor. That is no longer allowed. Once they are full to the top they must be emptied.

I happily haven’t had a problem with that one yet. 🙂

My other rule is that keys must be hung up after use. That sounds like common sense but it is not so easy for me. I come in and the keys are on the counter, or in my jacket, or in my purse. Then when Alex needs them we have to look for them and he has never liked that. It was one of the first things he put in place after we agreed to this new dynamic. It was one of those “OK, if I am in charge than this is what I want” moments. I have been working on this and he has been lenient up until now. I think my grace period is over.

Alex has been looking for his extra set of keys for 2 days. Neither one of us thought I had them. We both thought either he or my son was the last one to use them. He looked everywhere. All the cars. All the coats. His office. Everywhere he could think of. He is very organized and this kind of thing really makes him crazy.

This morning he was still agitated and searching and almost as an aside I said I would look in my purse. Imagine both our surprise when, after digging around I found them in the front pocket where I never keep keys. I really have no memory of how or when they ended up there, but there they were. He just shook his head. I just about died.

Am I in trouble?

What do you think?

I think I am.

I think you’re right.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Most of our spanking is either for fun or for maintainence. We have “punished” but they have been some of our lightest sessions. I think as we explore things Alex is finding that he enjoys spanking me but he is still coming to terms with dominating me physically when we are doing it as a consequence of behavior and there are real emotions involved. It’s a process.

He is spending the day taking our son back to university. He will be gone until later. He knows that I asked for this lifestyle to fix our marriage. He also understands that I crave his expectations and has come to realize that I need the emotional dynamic that punishment brings. We both know there will be a time when punishment moves from not so serious to very serious.

Before he left we talked a little. I asked again if I was in trouble and he kind of laughed and wondered if I had put the keys there on purpose. He was kind of joking but I was not joking when I replied.

This is not a game and that is what I told him. I would not do that. He knew I meant it and we left it at that.

But I want to tell him more. He will punish later or he won’t. That is his choice. We both know the keys should not have been in my purse but we also know it was an honest mistake. That is not an excuse, it’s just the way it is. I did break the rule. Whatever consequence he imposes I will submit to and accept.

If I had willfully put the keys in my purse and then spent the past two days watching him search only to “find” them that would have risen to a level of defiance, lying, and deceit that would be more than worthy of punishment and then some. I take this seriously. I want him to want to do this with me. If I pushed limits that blatantly just to provoke a response I would understand if he got tired of the whole thing pretty quickly.

I am a grown woman, smart and capable. I don’t need or want him to be my policeman. I need and want him to be my leader and there is such a difference. He has enough to worry about without me bratting to get his attention. This is hard work for both of us. Saving a marriage is hard work. Serious work. It is no game.

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  1. Hi there! I just found your blog, but wanted to say hi…also your post about this not being a game was so in time with a conversation my DH and I had recently. I completely agree…I don’t want a game. 🙂

  2. Absolutely! Bratting and manipulating is bad news and destroys the honest dynamic that so many of us want in this kind of relationship. I also know it’s pretty hard to NOT know what he will do, if anything. I hope he at least addresses it in words when he gets home so that you know where you stand. Learning how to lead is hard for them. Every time that you show him your integrity as you have here, it will build his confidence. It really will!

  3. Zoe

     /  03/12/2012

    Hi Ruth and welcome! Thanks for visiting. It was actually one of the first things we talked about with Dd and now that we are doing it I feel more strongly than ever.

    Susie, I like how you called it an honest dynamic. That really is what we want to establish. And you’re right. I think every time I show that I am not “playing” he does get more confident with it all. Thanks.

  4. Zoe, I love how you are so accepting of what Alex decides as far as punishment. It’s so hard to stop from telling them what to do, when we feel like we know what will work best for us. But letting them decide really puts the power where it belongs, so they can own it.
    It is so hard for them to do this for us, and your patience is likely noted.
    Henry and I don’t play games either, though we have moments of teasing.
    Punishment was truly the most difficult thing for both of us to get more comfortable with and you are so accepting of where you are right now, which I think is great! Experience will change that.
    You’re so right about Dd being hard work. But it’s all worth it in the end. 🙂

  5. Zoe

     /  03/16/2012

    Elysia, I’m sure that experience will change us and I know we will hit bumps. I am trying to be open to him and this whole process so we can establish as strong a foundation as possible now.

    He didn’t end up spanking me which I was pretty sure would be his verdict. Maybe that is why I could be so accepting. 🙂

    Thanks for the support. It has been worth it for us.

  6. Isabella

     /  03/17/2012

    Hi Zoe, I’m brand new to your blog, but I found what you wrote about submission to be quite touching to me. It’s very much like that for me. I want him to set limits but not babysit or micromanage. I’m quite capable. We are newlyweds but have dated for quite a bit of time. I hope to read your blog often and learn and share. While you’ve been married for a long time, it sounds as though you are trying to make it much stronger. We are trying to work to a place of closeness, innate trust and honesty. It is hard hard work, just like you are telling us!

    Love, Isabella

  7. Zoe

     /  03/17/2012

    Welcome Isabella, I’m glad you are here. I think no matter where you are in your marriage you must work to make it strong. It is easy to let things go and we did. It feels so much better to be working together again.

    I hope you visit often because we can all due with a little learning and sharing from each other!


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