Evolution

We started Dd over two years ago to fix our marriage. I had done quite a bit of reading and thought that it might help us and it has.

I thought that we would become closer and communicate more. We both have become more respectful and watchful of each other. Many people look at this lifestyle and think it is one sided but I have never really found that. We both have worked hard on ourselves and both work hard to give each other our best. For us that means that he leads us both and I accept his decisions and correction when needed.

I don’t know if others feel this way but the correction or punishment piece is key to all of this for me. I feel safe when he is in control. For me at least having him exercise his right to take me in hand and punish if he feels the need gives me a sense of safety that really nothing else does.

He punished for something over the weekend. I had disobeyed him on something and he made sure that I knew his displeasure with his words and our hairbrush. I hate that thing!

What I didn’t hate was that he did it though. When he sets an expectation and then follows through with a punishment he reaffirms his commitment to this life we have both chosen to live.

It is such a change for our men. Even after two years of living like this I marvel at his willingness to actually give me a real spanking when it is deserved. He has been conditioned his whole life to act the complete opposite and yet he has taken up the responsibility of leadership with all that goes with it.

In my last post I talked a bit about our exploration of D/s. In a way it feels a bit like how we came to Dd. We had done some erotic spanking and I had found some blogs which led us to start behaving as a Dd couple. At the time I had never really thought about Dominance and submission and while I agreed to follow his lead neither of us would have used those terms to describe ourselves, and I certainly would never have characterized either of us as a Dominant or a submissive. But reading and research, and frankly living this and then wanting more, have led us to where we are. Not new really but an extension and evolution of what we are doing anyway.

What I have come to recognize more and more is that being his submissive is exactly what I want to be and that following his lead, his rules, his example makes me feel safer than any other way of being in my life. The more control and Domination he gives me the more I want to be not just submissive, but his submissive.

And it makes me feel feminine. Somehow giving myself over to him completely makes me feel important and safe and loved in a way that nothing else has. When I am able to satisfy him it makes me feel powerful. By letting him lead and by giving him the power I feel my own.

All of this takes an enormous amount of trust. I could not do this with anyone I did not trust completely and I have said before that he is the best and most honorable man I know. He gives all of himself to what he does and now I truly feel like that includes me. Not just our family but me in particular and that makes me feel so special. It is so easy to loose sight of that priority in a marriage and I feel like we are at a place where we are number one for each other.

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I am trying not to jinx any of this by overthinking which can be a problem for me. It feels like a beginning of sorts and beginnings are exciting. After two years it still feels like there is so much we haven’t done and so much more still to learn and I look forward to the where this will take us.

More Mindful

The new year has come and gone and even though I am very late the first thing I want to do is wish you all a fabulous 2014. While we can never see the future I feel very positive going into this year and hope that it is our best yet.

The holidays here were nice. Mostly slow and relaxing which is the best kind to me. My kids were home which is always wonderful  but man does it put a crimp in our Dd style. Don’t get me wrong. The basics remain but just like the summer pretty much all spanking, for fun or more serious reasons goes away.

I think one of the reasons I know I want this lifestyle so much is how much I miss it when it is curtailed. It is funny really. Because we have these prolonged periods of time where we have to interact without the full resources of Dd we are generally pretty good at maintaining our roles without them. It just isn’t as much fun. And it isn’t easy.

Toward the end of our kid imposed hiatus I could feel myself pulling away and generally not being as open to him as usual both physically and emotionally. Just when I thought maybe I didn’t need the connection that spanking gives as much as I used to I found myself  starting to spiral.

Even after two years I still find it amazing sometimes how much I both want and need that connection.

Anyway last weekend my youngest and I took my oldest back to school and spent a fantastic few days seeing shows and eating good food and generally I just enjoyed my girls.

Well this week has been all about the two of us reconnecting and I am happy to say that it has gone pretty well. We started on Tuesday with a long hard reconnection spanking that we both really needed. He then left for a few days but checked in quite a few times so we kept feeling close. We talked this weekend about taking our dynamic in even more of a D/s direction. I’m not sure I really can define how I see the difference between Dd and D/s except for us I think it is and will be more mindful and more deliberate.  In many ways it will be exactly the same because  what we do has always extended beyond the bedroom and into our everyday lives. But in addition to being my husband and HoH, he has agreed to be my Dominant. I have agreed to be his wife, tih, and his submissive. I’m not saying anything new but his Dominance feeds my submission. The more dominance he shows the more I want to give him my submission.

It feels a bit like a new beginning. Here’s hoping!

So on a lighter note… I hope this makes you smile. It did me. It’s supposed to be from a hotel in Amsterdam.

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Ramblings

I’m writing. I am. I don’t really know what about but I haven’t written in so long I feel like I should. Like I really should say something. Say something.

I started not writing too much in the summer. Kids home means no real spanking going on and what is exciting about that?

Then they went back to school an we found a new rhythm. In many ways it has been a time of growth for both of us. He has started to take the lead more and more and I have really been working on giving him my submission. He is suddenly more confident now and demanding. I love both. I’m not even exactly sure what the trigger was for this change. Maybe it is just time…time to come to an acceptance of the roles and responsibilities of being HoH. Maybe it takes time to try all this on and to find a level of comfort with it kind of like breaking in a new pair of shoes. After we wear them for awhile they just feel right. I think this feels right to him now.

I’m not sure if labels matter and even how they differ exactly but another thing that has changed/helped has been incorporating more D/s into our dynamic. We are Dd but we are also D/s. I don’t know exactly if I’m sure  what the difference even is except that I think for us both it involves intent. It is very purposeful.

There hasn’t been much punishment although most reconnections include at least a little bit of “discussion” about sass. That halo of mine can be a bit askew at times. It feels more natural and less forced.

I haven’t written because we are good right now. I haven’t written because  that seems boring I guess. It’s like sometimes I don’t want to mess that up by over analyzing. You know?

But at the same time I miss blogging and I miss writing. I like having my blog and being able to hash things out here. So I guess what I am saying is that I hope if there is anyone out there still reading, thank you first of all and don’t give up on me because I am here and will be here. I like having my blog. I like all of you.

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So anyway that is where we are. Starting Monday the house will fill again with college kids for winter break with all the joys and challenges that brings. He tested out quiet implements last time we did a reconnection spanking I think to find a way to continue even with everyone home. Here’s hoping.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

Always Learning

 

We had a kind of rocky weekend last week but like so many times before I think we both learned from it. We are getting back to ttwd after a kid imposed break and there were bound to be a few growing pains as we settled into our new routine.

It boiled down to that biggest of biggies… Communication. Things were expected and schedules changed but not communicated and feelings were hurt.

Then came the argument after. We often used to argue before by saying a few angry words and then retreating to separate corners. It was often never mentioned again even if there were hurt feelings. Eventually things returned to a status quo. Not real healthy I know but that’s what we did.

I refuse to do that anymore. This time we discussed things more and honestly I didn’t let him retreat like he used to. Changing how you have communicated (or not) your whole life is a process and reverting back to old patterns and behaviors is often the easiest. I forced the issue and made sure we talked it out pretty quickly and we moved past it and enjoyed the rest of the weekend.

We want and need our men to lead and they do most of the time but none of us is perfect and sometimes I think we have to be willing and able to do that leading ourselves if the old ways are too ingrained and too comfortable to break away from.

Just because I am in a Dd relationship does not mean that I should keep my mouth shut if things are not right. We need to work on our issues and if I don’t communicate to him how I am feeling he won’t know. We have a whole new way of relating to each other and even after two years it still feels so new. There will continue to be times where maybe I see us falling into our old habits before he does and it would not help either of us if I were quiet about that.

For us anyway it is more important to feel good at the end than to split hairs on whether I took control for awhile during an argument although respect must be maintained throughout. I am not and never will be a wall flower. That is not the woman he married and that is not what he wants. mistakes I wrote him a post on our private blog and thought you all might like to see what I came up with. It’s a list of tips on managing our disagreements. I entitled it

Arguing With Me – An Owners Manual

  1. Don’t leave me during an argument. If you leave I just talk to myself and get madder and madder and I feel abandoned. If you stay you force us to confront the issue and resolve it.
  2. Stay in the room/area and YOU make sure that things are resolved. I feel led that way.
  3. Apologize if it was your fault. I will do the same.
  4. Know that when you feel like we have talked enough or you don’t know what to say I ALMOST NEVER feel that way. I am very verbal and will always need to hash things out verbally more than you. Please be aware of that and let me work through my pain/issue with you. It is important to me that I feel heard and understood.
  5. Whatever the issue, even if it was your mistake, I am to always remain respectful.
  6. Don’t leave things until you feel like I am feeling better and heard. It is that point when we can heal and move forward.
  7. Touch is very important at any point in this process and makes me feel loved and cherished. For too long we didn’t touch and I value it so highly now.
  8. At some point you should declare the argument over. Again, I feel led that way.
  9. I know you know this but a maintenance session is often needed after an argument even if you caused the argument. It clears the slate for both of us and allows you to show me you are back in command. It makes me feel like we are back together again.

We don’t argue a lot anymore so we also haven’t had much “practice.” We both learned some this weekend about how we need to relate to each other when we are angry so when this kind of thing happens again we do better next time. That is all we can ask of each other really.

Freedom

He just came in and pointed to the bedroom. I knew. I knew that I had broken his rules about his car and it was deserved. It was a quick, sharp reminder to follow the rules. He said if I do it again it will be double. I believe him.

So why do I find myself sitting here with a stingy behind and a smile on my face? It seems such contradiction but it’s true.

When I think about it though I know why.

I like our rules. I like knowing what is important to him and when he is decisive and immediate in enforcing them I know he takes this all seriously.

We spent much of the summer in what I called Dd light. Little privacy meant little ability to enforce our rules. Now that things are back to a more predictable schedule we have both agreed that things that were allowed to slide will not be anymore and that he expects a higher level of compliance. We both welcome this change.

Here’s the thing. Rather than feeling limiting, our rules, our structure give me freedom. I know many would not understand that but it is how I feel. We all have choices to make throughout our day and far too often it is the easy choice that gets made instead of the right choice.

When he makes rules I trust that he has my best interests at heart. He will not always get it right and neither will I but with love and sincere intention we will make progress. If I then disobey him and he provides consequences that builds my trust in him.

When he makes a decision he is taking the decision away from me by making it for me. For example, I don’t have to think about whether or not to exercise because he has already made that choice for me. If I make a different choice then I know he will deal with it. If he really imposes certain rules and behaviors he frees me up to not think about whether to do it or not. By following his will I am “free” to ignore the excuses in my own mind about exercise. Rather than being limiting, when done with care, and love and intention, this is incredibly liberating.

If I know that he means what he says then I am free to give in to his will and give him my submission. If I can trust his Dominance I can really explore my submission. His Dominance allows me to give that to him and grow in my submission.

Because we have this agreement I am “free”  to be always open to him even when I am tired and might not otherwise want to. Many would scoff at the idea of never being “allowed” to say no. For me though it “allows” me to truly show him how important he is to me.

I can submit to things in and out of the bedroom that I might not have been willing to try before because I know he expects it. There is such freedom for me in that.

That is a really important point I think and one the two of us at least had not discussed very much until now. I feel freedom in my submission.

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My Spanko Card

I mentioned in my last post how we had barely spanked all summer.

Happily since then we have managed to carve out two kid free times the past two weekends. Finally!

Last Saturday started with a little fun and sexy spanking. Even though it was pretty light and with nothing too ouchy I was soon ooing and owing.

You are pretty squirmy and protesting a lot!

I know but we haven’t done this in a long time.

I don’t know about you. I think we may have to revoke your spanko card!

Who knew there were even spanko cards but apparently I was in danger of loosing mine. Humf!

We had a nice day, spending time together and getting a few things done. Toward the end of our time alone it was becoming clear that he was not really going to spank again and so, not wanting to loose my card, and wanting to do a real maintenance session, I kind of challenged asked if we could do maintenance.

I wasn’t really counting on an all wood spanking but that is what I got. He called it an all white wood afternoon. At the beginning of this journey when I was too curious for my own good I purchased a very long beechwood paddle/mixer and a long crepe spatula from Sur la Table.

sur la paddle

paddle

sur la spatula

spatula

Now Ladies let me just say that wasn’t the smartest thing I have ever done. The spatula is thin and light and one of the stingiest things we own. The paddle has more weight so it is more thuddy but really no better. They are both about two feet long. I hate them both. Add to that a little bath brush action and I was a well spanked girl by the end and feeling in full possession of my spanko card.

Maybe it is just me but that rather serious spanking was exactly what I needed to feel like we were getting back on track. It wasn’t a punishment per se and he didn’t lecture or anything like it was but it helped us both to put anything from the weeks of non spanking behind us and feel like we could move ahead.

Last night we managed again to be kid free! It was actually an anniversary of sorts. Alex took our son back to school so last night was essentially the two-year anniversary of our new life including spanking and eventually Dd. Back two years ago I couldn’t have imagined that we would be living like we are now. I had never heard of Dd and HoH’s. I had never considered living a Dominant/submissive type of life. I just knew that what we were doing was not working at all and if we wanted to stay together and be happy we needed more and somehow that more would and should include spanking.

The fact that it has evolved into a Dd relationship with definite aspects of D/s were not even in my imagination back then but as I look back on that first night two years ago it included aspects of both. Somehow we both were open to what we do now even if we couldn’t name it then.

Last night was all about us. We connected through spanking (thankfully no wood this time) and some really hot fun in the bedroom. When he was done he playfully mentioned my spanko card again and said I had definitely earned the right to keep it. I guess that is what regular maintenance will do for a girl.

This journey has been many things but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I hardly recognize the couple we are today from the broken, unhappy people we were before. Many things have contributed to this and it has been hard work.

For us though that spanko card has been an integral part of this journey. I’m glad I have mine.

Summertime…

summertime

I am sorry that I have not been very active lately. Summer has been a whirlwind of vacation, family visits, ever present teenagers and young adults and some home improvement thrown in for good measure.

Oh and in the middle of it all we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I didn’t always know we would get there but I couldn’t be happier today with where we are. I feel like it is a true accomplishment and milestone.

Every day I think I may have a minute to write here and then it doesn’t happen. I have been able to read a few blogs but don’t have time to comment much. I have done a cosmetic remodel of our master bath (It looks great BTW), hosted family for two weeks, ferried kids to and from camp for weeks, and we managed a week long family vacation earlier in the summer. All in all it has been a very busy summer, much busier than the regular school year with its predictable routines. This summer at least has kind of been exhausting.

As you can imagine all this activity in the house has meant that we have not spanked in many weeks. It’s funny. In many ways our dynamic has not suffered. Don’t get me wrong. We both miss the connection and the closeness but we are pretty practical I guess and we both knew that this would be the case so we are trying to make the best of it.  I guess I would call it Dd light. I try to keep up the respect and to keep to the rules we have but neither of us has been too preoccupied with it. He has shown me his dominance in ways which have been fun and we just try to maintain our dynamic day to day as best we can.

We miss it though. Who would have thought two years ago that I would be looking forward to a return to maintenance spankings and greater vigilance on his part?

In some ways I think this hiatus has been good for us. It has made us appreciate what we gain from Dd.  We are anxious to get started again and re-establish our routine.

A few more weeks and the oldest two will be back at their schools and our youngest back in high school.   In the mean time we are hoping to find a few more stolen moments to spank and play and reignite this thing we do.

The Right Note

Hi all.

I am happy to report that after WEEKS of no privacy and therefore no spanking that we finally were able to reconnect last night.

Even though I know there were times throughout that period that he could/would have given me a punishment spanking last night was not about that at all and he used it to really reconnect us. It was nice.

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It’s funny how important tone is to the feeling of a spanking. He made it clear from the beginning that this was not a punishment and so even though he used some really ouchy implements and some he definitely uses for punishments the overriding tone of reconnecting and bringing us back together made it easier for me to stay pretty still and take the spanking.

I’m glad he did it like he did. It has literally been weeks since we last did this and if he had come into this really serious and in a really punitive way I think we would have both lost a lot of the sensuality and connectedness we gained. Our Dd relationship includes the punitive. I need that and want that but I am so glad that is not always the driving force behind all our spankings.

At some point we may need the kind of catharsis that come from a punishment but for now a night of dominance and submission was just the right note.

Thank you Alex.

Just Chugging Along

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I have been pretty silent here lately. No real reason and then many reasons. Do you ever feel that way?

Sometimes I think that I should or could write about something and then I think it would be too boring or ordinary and not worth talking about. I don’t have any real progress or struggles to report that I haven’t written about before so I don’t feel like I have much to post.

What I will tell you is that I blame my kids.

Between lessons and performances and plays and recitals, school and moving kids home from college with all the laundry and organizing that entails things have just been extra crazy around here lately.

Yes that’s right. They seem to be everywhere all the time. We can’t seem to get rid of all of them all at the same time and it is driving the two of us just a little crazy. Now don’t get me wrong. I love having all my babies home again but there is zero privacy around here right now.

Here’s the thing. I know that I have been feistier and more dismissive of him than either of us likes and I know he would have taken me OTK last night if he could have and not for a fun playful spanking.

While I hate to make him feel like he has to or wants to do that I have to say I love that he is making his expectations clear. I was too dismissive of him yesterday. Far too many times I brushed past to finish whatever mission I was on at the time and didn’t do what he asked first.

Finally he had had enough and he told me so.

Who is supposed to be your priority?

You are.

Why are you brushing me aside all night?

I don’t know and I recognize that I am doing it. I am sorry.

You are really driving me crazy tonight and if I could you would be getting a correction right now.

Really? I know and I am sorry.

When we do finally get some alone time I know it will be serious. Does it make sense that while I am not looking forward to that but at the same time I am. I am sorry that I disappointed him but I am happy that he notices.

I am trying. Many people including me talk about needing a spanking or two (or three) to reconnect us and get us to that happy submissive place when there is travel and separation and the like. We have all of those things and no chance to spank and reconnect so I have to try extra hard to not let my “I’ve got this” side push her way to the surface too prominently. Argh.

We are both trying. Just him calling me out last night helped some I think. I know he is watching and noticing and that helps. I hope today is better. He is home all day. No need for me to handle it all.

I wondered recently if he was capable of really doing Dd and stepping up and leading like I want him and need him to. It is a familiar worry for many of us. We are better than we were. What I am trying to do is to be more accepting of where we are and what we are both capable of giving.

So that’s us. Just chugging along from day to day. Not much to report and then a lot I guess. Do you ever feel that way?

Turning Point – Part 2

The first part of this is here.

By the time I was finished with the letter it was after 5AM but I still could’t sleep. Alex came and found me about 6:30 and brought me back to bed.

I told him that I hadn’t really slept and that I was kind of done. He felt terrible that he had ruined our evening and had made me feel so upset. The flood gates opened and I just lay in bed and cried and cried. I couldn’t even show him the letter because I was too emotional. So he tucked me in and told me to sleep and he would read it and we would talk after I woke up.

I listened and let myself sleep for a few hours. That was good. When I woke up we talked and I showed him the letter.

Lately I have not been writing on this blog much because I have been writing for him on our private blog. I have been exploring my submission and what that might mean for us. I have often been very specific with him about what I find attractive and sexy so he is not having to read my mind. He always says the right things but I don’t always get follow through.

I think what happened to me all of the sudden Friday night is I became scared that that was all it was going to be; him saying the right things. What I want and wanted was the action behind the words. I suddenly became scared that he couldn’t give me action and if that were the case I needed to back off and back down from what I was doing and expecting. But he had to know that would mean big changes for us and ttwd.

Here is the letter I wrote:

I don’t know if you are capable of giving me what i am asking you to give.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh or blunt but that is the truth.

They say that submission is a gift and that is what I am offering you. The gift of my submission. If you are going to accept that gift you HAVE TO TAKE AN ACTIVE ROLE IN ALL OF THIS AND TAKE THE LEAD!

We have been doing this now for almost 1 1/2 years. We have a written agreement and written rules. I am not playing games here. This is not a passing fad for me. This is not something that I want to see disappear out of our lives.

I keep writing things in our private journal that lay my heart and desires out on my sleeve. I feel like I have been completely open with you about what I want and I feel like I try really hard to live up to my end of the bargain. I need you to live up to yours.

I really do try to follow the rules. I self report anytime I feel like I have broken a rule because they are our agreement. They say to me at least that there is a standard of behavior that is expected and that you find these particular things to be important enough to actually punish for if they are not followed.

If that is the case, then you have to be willing to do that and you have to punish.

It is not the spankings that I am asking for here. It is the accountability. It is the action from you that it would take if you were to enforce them. It is the attention that is required from you if you are enforcing them.

You can’t discipline if you are not paying attention and are not actively engaged in our dynamic. It is active and it does take work but I hope that what I am offering in return more than makes up for that effort.

In the year and a half since we started I don’t feel like you have ever really punished for anything other than things I brought to you. If we have done a specific punishment spanking it has been because of that. I feel like I self monitor and self report and so it often feels one sided.

This is all very mental for me. I spend probably too much time thinking about all of this and presenting things to you and trying to get you involved. You seem to be interested and to want many of the same things. We seem to find many of the same kinds of things exciting and attractive. But then when you are given the night to pretty much do whatever you want to with me you don’t take advantage of it and I am left feeling vulnerable.

This journey has led me places within myself that I never really acknowledged or wanted to admit were there but like it or not they are.

I am a submissive. I want to please you. It makes me happy when I do. It gives me real pleasure when I know that I have done a good job for you. I truly want to do things and stucture my day and my actions so that the end result is that I make your life easier and more productive.

I love you. I respect you and I am devoted to you. We have the life we have because of you.

It is truly important to me that I offer my body up to you for your pleasure. I honor that and do that for you. I give that to you.

It truly has become important to me to make sure that I keep the house to a standard that will make you proud of my efforts and make your stress levels lower when you walk through the door. You know I have not always been the best housekeeper but I take satisfaction from the act of cleaning now because I know it is important to you. It makes you calmer and makes you less stressed and so I see it as a real act of devotion.

All of this is what I am offering to you and sending in your direction but it can’t just go in one direction. You have to give me things back in return.

I need to feel your dominance. I need you to take control and be in control. I need you to lead.

I need you to plan out our nights together, be in control and be in command. I need you to take the opportunities we have when we are alone and not waste them. I want to feel that when you can, you take full advantage of making sure I know that you are there and leading and steering us where you want us to go.

I want to know that what I do for you has value to you and that you cherish it and me. I need to know that you are capable of this.

Maybe you are not. Maybe you just are not going to be comfortable and confident enough to take command. I would be very sad if that were the case but I feel like we have reached a turning point. I can’t keep putting in so much effort if I feel like I am not getting the effort returned. This is an incredibly active lifestyle. It demands attention from you to see me and my behavior. It demands that you keep an active eye on our household and it’s issues so you can make the best decisions about what is happening around you. I can make those decisions on my own but I don’t want to.

It is a lot of responsibility I realize that. If that is not something you want to take on then we can stop doing this. That would make me really sad but at some point I think you need to decide if you are really in this or not.

I am in. I want to be, not just your wive, but your submissive wive. That is a kind of huge difference. I am offering myself up to you and for you.

It is time for you to decide what you want to do with that gift.

Please know that at no time was I ever questioning our marriage, his overall commitment to me or our commitment to ourselves.

What I questioned was his ability and desire to do ttwd and to have a Dd marriage. I was questioning whether Dominance and submission would and should be part of our lives. I was questioning whether the “nice guy” I married would ever really be able to do what he needs to make this work.

He read the letter and we talked. I think for the first time in a long time he really got it but I asked him to take some time and really think about everything. We had become very comfortable in the routine we had established and it was time for a bit of a shake up. Essentially we suspended ttwd for the weekend while we digested and came to terms with what had happened.

So where are we now? We are in a much better place. He understands where I am coming from and why I feel like I do. He knows if he is going to lead that means he needs to be much more engaged. To continue then he needs to be as committed to this as I am. He is going to be more aware of his mindset so when he comes through the door he is better prepared to engage with me and leave work and those demands there. We are going to remain a Dd couple and he has recommitted to me and to us and has already stepped up in some new ways. When I find myself chaffing under this new diligence I know you will all remind me that I am the one who asked for this and forced this new level of commitment. :)

It’s funny. I think many of my concerns were there for a while but I didn’t want to acknowledge them and it took a crisis to bring them all to the surface. Maybe we needed to reach this turning point to grow. I want to run and weekends like this show me that in many ways we are still taking baby steps. I want to do this for the long hall and this helped us.

noturningback

I never really doubted his commitment to me. I know he cherishes me and us but it is nice to hear him reiterate it. In the end I hope I can look back on this weekend and truly see it as a turning point, one where we both took up Dd with renewed commitment.

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